TO: X-1 Prime, Supreme Overlord of Robot Matrix, Grand Endeavor Cmdr. FROM: Scientific Analyst SLJLK92349UO, Earth Invasion A REPORT FROM ROBOT PLANET
TO: X-1 Prime, Supreme Overlord of Robot Matrix, Grand Endeavor Cmdr. FROM: Scientific Analyst SLJLK92349UO, Earth Invasion Exploratory Unit CC: Prince BOB, Holy Prior of the Negativ Legion CC: Queen Kardeater of the Insectoid Empire BCC: Shadowagent markmonday ATTACHMENT 1: John Ringo, former Test Subject ATTACHMENT 2: the novel Ghost by John Ringo
Target: John Ringo acquired by Shadowpuppet A. Coulter using Tactic 7-B3: Invitation to Wild Sex Party at Dennis Miller’s Mansion.
Target: Ghost acquired via Amazon for $0.01 + $3.99 shipping & handling.
Subject A: John Ringo is former Specialist in 82nd Airborne Division of U.S. Army. Post discharge, subject became author of several series in several genres and occasional guest commentator on Fox News Channel (itself a Shadowagency of Robot Matrix). Subject A is currently non-organic due to extensive exploratory nature of Scientific Analysis. [Shadowpuppet “John Ringo-1” has replaced organic target on Earth; no adverse reactions from Subject A’s peer or familial groupings have been noted regarding replacement.]
Subject B: Ghost is “Action/Adventure Genre Novel” and features exploits of government operative Mike _____, code name ‘Ghost’. Subject B is perhaps less-than-typical example of genre, due to extremely low technical ability of writing overall, including: flaccid narrative; profusion of racial/ gender/ political stereotypes; two-dimensional characterization; risible dialogue; incessant and misguided references to Sparta, Robert Frost, and "Goth" music; tedious preponderance of both military-grade weapons detail-pornography and graphic sexual pornography. Despite inferior quality of novel, it offers range of absorbing topics on Earth life to consider; in particular, Earth gender dynamics per author. Subject B: Ghost has tri-parte structure and so this report will analyze each section sequentially.
Part One: Winter Born
Narrative in Part One details attempts of Middle Eastern nation Syria to engage in terrorist acts towards United States of America. Plans include kidnapping of 50 young American college women, torture/ rape/ murder of women, and broadcasting of activities to American public. While stalking single young woman on college campus that they both attend (apparently typical pasttime for protagonist), Operative Ghost witnesses kidnapping, follows and then successfully engages kidnappers, secretly boards plane containing previously captured college women, and eventually destroys entire operation (his actions also include elimination of Osama bin Laden and Syrian President Bashar al-Assad).
Although narrative itself is trite and poorly written, there is much to be evaluated regarding mindset of reactionary Red-Blooded American Male aka RBA Male towards the female of the species (and, to a lesser degree, RBA Male’s nationalism and feelings towards educational institutions). In sum, protagonist and author appear to view female of species as worthy of protection and as target for sexual attention, but having little value in most other regards and suitable primarily for mockery. General and inherent stupidity of females who act as politicians, news reporters, and students is reported with extreme frequency. During rescue attempts, protagonist often engages in “cheeky banter” and “casual playfulness” with abused women, in particular by pointedly staring at parts of their naked forms that he finds sexually appealing, and by openly and repeatedly mocking their limited minds and thoughtless absorption into useless liberal edifices such as college. Throughout his rescue, Ghost suggests detainees reward him post-rescue with sexual activities including “blow-jobs” and encourages detainees to not hold terrorist actions against all RBA Males by "turning lesbian"; overcome by gratitude, detainees promise to engage in such rewards and reject all forms of liberalism. It should also be noted that author does include several examples of “useful” women: specifically those women who are members of college ROTC, are able to handle weapons, follow directions, and promise to reward protagonist with “blow-jobs” post-release. Irony of situation of protagonist - who self-defines by stating “I am a Rapist” (in thought but not yet deed) and who spends spare time stalking nubile students whom he despises - now being placed in role of rescuer, where he is sole source of succor to those he stalked and despised, is only slightly noted by protagonist and author. Perhaps irony (and ironic wish fulfillment inherent in situation) is implicit within story itself.
Throughout novel, author engages in striking form of character development for support players: prior to elimination by Ghost, each terrorist is given short history - including country of origin, level of education, level of antipathy towards Americans, personal thoughts and goals, etc. This is unusual tactic and purpose is unknown. Is this to provide a dossier to readers on wide range of potential terrorists and their personal background, perhaps to inspire reader suspicion towards all individuals hailing from countries in Middle East as potential terrorists? Unknown. Author also places epithet “Raghead” into mouths of many characters (including protagonist, U.S. President, others) and describes Middle Eastern countries as automatically dirty and filled with trash. “Liberals” are also given similar treatment; most notable is sequence where liberal American commentators blame predicament on kidnap victims themselves. Perhaps this is seen as typical “Liberal” behavior by author? If so, assertion is incorrect; Robot Matrix has noted Tactic Blame the Victim is also frequently used by “Reactionary” human demographic and associated institutions. Despite ongoing contempt displayed towards Middle East and Liberals, author and protagonist neglect to discuss positive elements of U.S. and instead appear content to solely describe negative attributes. Result is that author and protagonist appear to be apolitical and ignorant of various successes of many American institutions, both liberal and conservative. A curious kind of "patriot" in that genuine patriotism appears to be absent. This tunnel-vision and mindless vitriol bodes well for our Grand Endeavor; such individuals are often easiest for Robot Matrix to manipulate through well-tested “Knee-Jerk” Propaganda Campaigns and diverse Shadowpuppet Politicians and Media Commentators.
Part Two: Thunder Island
It should first be noted that section title is one of this Scientific Analyst’s favorite Earth songs, from classic “Easy Listening” era.
Narrative in second section is highly unusual. First two-thirds are concerned with Ghost’s new life as multi-millionaire living on yacht in Bahamas (due to reward from American President), his encounter with and subsequent seduction of two female college students (ages 18 and 19), large amount of water-vehicle detail-pornography, regular appraisal of Ghost’s apparently pleasingly muscular form by two teenagers, and introduction of students into rigorous and time-consuming world of sadomasochistic role play. There are many sexual encounters explicitly detailed throughout many pages. There is much discussion of “boundaries”, “safe words” and “safe sounds” (the latter due to gags), and “the high of complete submission”. There is discussion between Ghost and students’ mothers; both turn out to be “swingers” and “bottoms”, and both eventually encourage Ghost’s attentions – even consenting to request for daughters’ birth certificates. Dialogue in these sequences is of such amusingly unrealistic, artificial, and juvenile nature that at first this Scientific Analyst thought it may all be highly comic and stylized dream sequence. When this proved incorrect, this Scientific Analyst concluded that author had never actually experienced dialogue with teenagers, perhaps never engaged in “Flirting Ritual”, clearly had no skill in introducing individuals to sadomasochism, and may have generally experienced very poor results from prior sexual encounters resulting in awkwardly described fantasy sexual scenarios. Intensive questioning of Subject A: John Ringo on topic did not prove conclusive.
Remaining narrative in Part Two is concerned with sudden need for Ghost to disarm nuclear device that happens to be in vicinity of his pleasure-yacht, at request of American government. This activity – which interrupts sado-masochistic role play – proceeds at swift pace, with more military-grade weapons detail-pornography and more dossiers on individuals who will be shortly slain by Ghost. This Scientific Analyst must admit to skimming these rather monotonous pages.
Part Three: The Dark Side
Third section of novel’s narrative concerns buying and transporting of nuclear military device in and through Eastern Europe and Russia by Chechen terrorists, and successful mission for Ghost where he thwarts detonation of weapon in Paris (target: the Pope) and captures Middle Eastern terrorist responsible in Holland. There are also passages detailing rape of female minor in Eastern Europe by novel’s hero and various consensual sexual situations in Holland by novel’s hero and his colleague.
“Action/Adventure” portions of section were typical in their low-level writing skills, inability to sustain tension, and use of rote generalizations towards various individuals, institutions, and countries – in particular women, and France in general. If this Scientific Analyst were capable of human feelings e.g. “boredom” and human reactions e.g. “yawning”, such activities would have no doubt occurred. It may even be said that if this Scientific Analyst were human, s/he may have chosen to simply engage in self-pleasure while imagining his/her own personalized sado-masochistic fantasy – possibly involving Subject A: John Ringo – rather than being tricked into reading intense depiction of nonconsensual sex with minor that is shoehorned within puerile, unimaginative “Action/Adventure”.
It is important to focus briefly on lengthy and highly graphic sequence where Ghost rents, abuses, rapes, spoons and naps with, abuses again, rapes again, spoons and naps with again, and then rapes a third time an inexperienced 15-year old Eastern European whore with "very large breasts that were still high and full". Emphasis placed on fear, crying, and internal dryness of victim. At one point, novel’s hero punches purchased teenager in kidneys – her subsequent pain and surprise thus allowing him to make sudden anal entry. An unusual hero indeed!
Protagonist suffers some slight feelings of guilt, post rape and torture. Immediate action is to toss on victim's back amount worth half-year’s wage, upon which she replies "Is okay. Not like, much hurt, much… bad memory.” She got to the end of the quick count and looked at him again, curiously. “But for this, is okay. Would do again.” To which Ghost replies, "Yeah. But then you’d be acting. It wouldn’t be the same.” Later, Ghost feels more twinges of conscience and takes victim away from brothel, promising freedom and happier life. In Paris, victim finds older man as new associate and, after writing thank-you note to Ghost for her extraction, promptly leaves narrative. Important to note Qualifying Nature of various character reactions. Author clearly enjoys describing brutal rape (and protagonist Ghost enjoys repeatedly pointing out to victim that he is raping her, in order to better enjoy victim's emotional discomfort/ psychological trauma)... and also makes clear that victim's rape has lasting positive results through subsequent rescue of victim from squalid life in brothel. She has suffered, but is better off due to rape. And so Ghost’s conscience is allowed to rest, appeased. And so low-level human reader is also allowed to breathe sigh of relief and proceed through remainder of novel, guilt-free.
If such heroes are typical of RBA Male fantasies (and if such authors, and such readers who enjoy such novels, are also typical of human population), Robot Matrix should have no difficulty in drafting RBA Males to our cause of total subjugation of all Earth species/resources. Objectives of Robot Matrix and fellow Axis members' upcoming Grand Endeavor on Earth appear to be in line with RBA Male’s own personal goals/ideals. This Scientific Analyst recommends: (1) quickly acquiring valuable RBA Male assets; (2) activating Shadowagent markmonday; and (3) approving immediate escalation of Grand Endeavor/ Robot Matrix-Insectoid Empire-Negativ Legion activities. If this Scientific Analyst’s evaluation of RBA Male demographic is correct, our Grand Endeavor will soon find many natural allies on this planet Earth....more
TEH STUPID EVOLUTION IS ALL WRONG!!!!!!! DINOSAURS IN BIBLE! MAN IS KING OF DINOSAURS AND HE EAT ALL THE DINSAURS! ALL ANIMALS BELONG TO MAN! MAN KINGTEH STUPID EVOLUTION IS ALL WRONG!!!!!!! DINOSAURS IN BIBLE! MAN IS KING OF DINOSAURS AND HE EAT ALL THE DINSAURS! ALL ANIMALS BELONG TO MAN! MAN KING OF WORLD AND ALL AMINALS TOO LIKE GOD SAYS SO! TO EAT ALL THEM, EAT DINOSAURUS OR RIDE THEM OR MAKE INTO YOU PETS!
This week's Guest Dear Abby is mark monday, a public policy director and "confirmed bachelor" from San Francisco.
Mr. monday will be answering your quThis week's Guest Dear Abby is mark monday, a public policy director and "confirmed bachelor" from San Francisco.
Mr. monday will be answering your questions about the yuletide offering from Josh Lanyon entitled The Dickens with Love.
_________________________
Dear Abby,
You were assigned to read this and report on your thoughts quite a while ago. Why are you always lagging behind? Your review is overdue.
Disappointed, RBRS
*****
Dear RBRS,
my apologies. well, here's the review:
i was surprised at how much i enjoyed this pleasant little novella. the writing was swell. several notches above my expectations actually. the two lead characters were well-developed, interesting, sympathetic. i really liked how Lanyon wove God, an orphan, a love of literature, his clear knowledge of Dickens, an ocelot, some food & hotel detail-porn, and of course Christmas into the romantic mix. not much really fell flat for me and all the different elements were smoothly and naturally incorporated. my only real caveat is that i didn't particularly care for the very ending - specifically the gift (really? just like that?) and the apparent tossing aside of a remarkable goal for that gift (really? just like that?). but other than that, overall this was a pleasant and diverting although very brief affair. i will attempt to make this review approximately ten times as long as the reviewed book in question. why not? i have nothing to do for at least a couple hours.
_________________________
Dear Abby,
I also found Dickens to be diverting, frothy in fact. But I am concerned that the use of the one night stand in a gay m/m romance may be substituting one negative generalization (a woman who has one night stands is a slut) with another (those gay men are always having one night stands and it is no big deal). I also had some issues with the tone, which veered from absurd (ocelot attack) to perhaps overly-prosaic and maudlin (orphan protagonist who hates his job). Am I wrong?
first of all, no - you are not wrong! don't play the blame-game on yourself! and yet, well, i feel you are wrong. the idea of the easy one night stand in the gay world, the ease of sex in general, the lack of judgment around brief encounters... well, if i may be so bold as to make a broad generalization on behalf of my peers: as far as attitudes towards sex goes, it is just different for most of those who live in Gay World. and by "different", i actually mean "better". very few tedious hang-ups and self-hate around sexual connections. sex is a big thing - and it is not a big thing; it ain't no thing. there are many monogomous (or open but committed) relationships as well, of course. but having a hook-up in Gay World isn't the tremendous mind-fuck that it can be for the denizens of Straight World. poor Straight World. however, there are obvious downsides to this, including high rates of STDs, HIV infection, an obsession with sex, a potential of losing yourself in perpetual tricking instead of trying to develop meaningful relationships (both romantic or platonic). so perhaps "better" isn't the right word after all. so let's stick with "different".
as far as your second point... isn't that randomness a part of life? can't a fellow suffer a surprise ocelot attack in some cheesy champagne bar also be a guy with a lot of angst about being cast-out, an orphan, working at a job he doesn't like? i appreciate that mixture of tones. if this was just a dippy book featuring lots of ocelot attacks & the like, i would have been annoyed. the protagonist's personal story, his angsty bits, sorta anchored the tale for me.
_________________________
Dear Abby,
I did not enjoy the mix of tones either. I wanted frothy romance trash and there were various comments that annoyed me. For example, I did not appreciate the attempts at so-called deepness from a character that I see merely as "jolly old saint condom clause". It particularly irritated me when comments that I found to be sentimental claptrap were noted as popular highlights by other readers. And I hated when they brought God in between the sheets. I was really just looking for some funny lines to laugh at, and well I suppose I found some here and there. But overall, the experience just rather bugged. Am I wrong to feel this way?
first of all - no, you are not wrong! we all have our own truth. we are all right and we are all wrong. that is the nature of the human condition. but actually, in this case, i do think you are wrong. doesn't the inclusion of jarringly "deep" (although, admittedly, a rather hackneyed and cliched version of "deep") comments actually make the character a bit more than a "jolly old santa condom clause"? why did you merely see him as a "jolly old santa condom clause" when he is clearly a character who has been fairly well-developed, at least for a novella of this scope? i think this is a case of missed expectations rather than any flaw of the writing. and didn't you find the inclusion of God at various points to be an interesting surprise? it was certainly an unusual and striking decision on the author's part, particularly in what is clearly designed to be a disposable bit of fluff. the straightforward and non-condescending inclusion of spiritual discussions sort of sets this bit of fluff apart. it makes it a bit less fluffy. i think that is a good thing!
_________________________
Dear Abby,
I appreciated the use of condoms. I thought this book was adequate. Am I wrong?
first of all - no, you are not wrong! what is "wrong" anyway, and what is "right"? they are both merely constructs, figments of imagination that this poor human race enjoys obsessing over. back home on Robot Planet, we laugh at these silly human delusions. and we'll still be laughing when my people come to join me here on Earth, to colonize and to turn you humans into our silly meat-based workforce. ha! i dare say you all will no longer have the time to worry about what is "right" or "wrong"!
i do have to add that i also appreciated the condom use. but a condom for oral sex? that felt strange. i know that that must happen, and it is certainly encouraged in safer-sex messages, but my experience has been that this is rare. very rare. and yet it was so nonchalantly depicted in Dickens. hmmm, well perhaps it was needed, if only to offer more of the colored-condom jokes that i felt were a bit too present in the novella.
_________________________
Dear Abby,
I liked this book. It surprised me. I liked the protagonist, the food porn, the God, the boning. Given the season, this hit the spot. Am I wrong?
Besides Myself In Worry & Anticipation of Your Response, Karen
*****
Dear Karen,
first of all - no, you are not wrong. you are actually never wrong! that is why you are the #1 reviewer.
_________________________
Dear Abby,
I also liked this book. It sure had some come in it. Or should that be "cum"? Whatever, I wrote a poem about it to get it off of my chest. So to speak. Was I wrong to do that?
first of all - yes, you are wrong. there was a surprising lack of sperm in this book. however, that was a splendid poem that you wrote. i really enjoyed it. you are a talented young man. you should write a book!
__________________________
Dear Abby,
I thought this novella was cute for what it was. However i was reminded of several things that disturb me, among them female representation in the media and the female audience/female writers of slash fiction. But does this have anything to do with Dickens or its male author? I also had issues with the realism of the ocelot attack. Am I wrong?
first of all - no, you are not wrong. the world is wrong! stupid, stupid world. an ocelot attack, as if! feh!
but you make some excellent points, points to consider. i am actually unsure about Dickens place in this discussion of female representation because the idea that Dickens was written for a female audience is news to me. the novella seemed tailored to the gay male audience - although it was certainly a lot less sex-tastic than other sorts of romantic gay novels, with deeper characterization and more realistic behavior in general. perhaps therein lies the appeal to the female audience? i don't know. well, actually, from my limited experience with romantic novels, i don't think so. but the idea is very interesting to me. ever since i first learned of it in college, and in many conversations since then, i have always been fascinated and continually surprised by female interest in m/m romance and even gay porn. both straight and queer women. i just have never figured that one out. some might say it is due to the idea of reclaiming roles, and/or of putting yourself (a woman) into a role (a gay male) that perhaps has less automatic - and less queasy - issues around power and control. or maybe some ladies just like to imagine themselves as dudes because it is not just transgressive, it is fun, it is freeing. i dunno. food for thought.
_________________________
Dear Abby,
I thought this was okay. Blessedly brief. The sex scenes were odd but okay, and - fortunately - did not work for me. My ass shall remain unscathed - Exit Only! Am I wrong?
first of all - no, you are not wrong. much like choosing a faith, a career path, or a life partner... the decision of whether to have or not to have ass adventures is a very personal decision that we all must eventually make in our lifetime.
but yes, actually, you are wrong! c'mon, it's the bomb! don't let Dickens scare you away! i say Go For It! it's what all the cool kids are doing these days.
_________________________
Dear Abby,
So none of your little jokes, okay? I do have a serious issue. Reading this novella, commenting on it, writing reviews for a book group, and thinking of the community that Dickens was intended for... well, after considering it all, it makes me uncomfortable. Am I somehow fetishizing this community, am I guilty of being a kind of leering, voyeuristic, mocking Outsider-Looking-In, oh look at this silly community, let's all laugh at it now? That is not who I am. I am reminded of the many ways that women are fetishized and objectified, and the comparison is unsettling. Am I wrong?
first of all, you are not wrong. i do think that RBRS skirted this uncomfortable issue, and as a queer man, i have to admit to feeling a little anxious, a little am i going to get pissed off about this?. but in the end, i felt the reviews didn't turn out to be a problem, at least not for me. hell, i'm not even sure if you were talking about the m/m audience for romantic fiction, or for the female audience who appreciates m/m fiction. well, either way, i really appreciate your sensitivity. it is so easy to mock and condescend to things, as an outsider looking in. your mining of your own reactions, your uneasy contemplation of the gap between the goals of critical or even just plain snarky reviews and the goals of the community who enjoys novels like Dickens... impressive. i understand your discomfort. it is something i've struggled with as well when reading various genres. i really just loved your review and your perspective.
____________________
Dear Abby,
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SEX SCENES? MY GOD, ENOUGH ABOUT GOD & BEING WRONG & BEING SENSITIVE TO OUTSIDER COMMUNITIES & ALL THAT BLITHER-BLATHER... WHAT ABOUT THE SEX??
About to Shoot Off Here Unless You Answer This Very Important Question, Josh Lanyon's Editor
*****
Dear Josh's Editor,
well, they were okay. for the most part, well-done. they didn't particularly amaze me, nothing to add to my personal spank bank, you know. but they felt real and they weren't corny, so good job. except maybe in the future, avoid the oddball metaphors please. for example, semen should never never never be referred to as "starfire". please, never allow that to happen again....more
HIT POINTS: 25 ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Good SYMBOL: Middle Finger STRENGTH: 15 INTELLIGENCE: 10 WISDOM: 5 DEXTERITY: 20 CONSTITUTION: 15 CHARISMA: 25 FIGHTER: 10th Level Archer ASSASSIN: 9th Level Assassin SPECIAL ATTACKS: Resentful Attitude SPECIAL DEFENSES: Defensive Attitude
SUMMARY OF PLAYER SKILLS:
despite the inherent restrictions of living in a YA novel, Katniss is a remarkably well-developed and complex character. although she's drawn from the familiar tough girl/outsider/square peg template, Collins resists softening her - her temper, her understandable but often misdirected suspiciousness, her frequent inability to empathize with others are never underplayed. her appearance at the end, where she appears to be slipping into depressive, semi-crazy, unreasoning mulishness, is very well-done and psychologically astute.
i also love how her strengths are so nonchalantly illustrated - she is something special, but never a superwoman. her character's changes and growth and weaknesses and skills are carefully gradual and feel real - the reader is made to truly understand her, all of her. two sequences in Catching Fire particularly impressed me. the first one comes almost mid-way: Katniss' slow, painful revelation about the nature of oppression and the need for revolution, at one point moving from fear for her sister's safety and potential death if revolution occurs to understanding of her sister's life as a kind of living death already, if revolution does not occur. a great example of realistic character development that highlights Collins' sophisticated yet pleasingly transparent and straightforward writing style. _________________________
HIT POINTS: 15 ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Good SYMBOL: Pouty Scowl STRENGTH: 20 INTELLIGENCE: 15 WISDOM: 5 DEXTERITY: 15 CONSTITUTION: 10 CHARISMA: 20 FIGHTER: 9th Level Ranger SPECIAL ATTACKS: Che Guevera Eyes SPECIAL DEFENSES: Come Hither Eyes
SUMMARY OF GAME STRUCTURE:
i love how Gale’s appearances bookend the first two novels. it is an elegant way to illustrate this character’s importance to both Katniss and the narrative itself – Gale sees two different kinds of Katniss in each novel; his reactions to her are different as well, and despite his own somewhat static characterization, it is through Gale that the reader is able to truly mark Katniss’ changes in status and mind and spirit. even better, by saving him for the beginning and end, he gets put out of the way for the duration of most of each novel’s action. although Katniss wastes a rather inordinate amount of time obsessing over him for a good portion of both novels, once she’s in the arena, time spent mooning over her backwoods boyfriend is happily curtailed. i really like how Collins divides the time Katniss spends on each of her love interests; the romantic elements of the novel are as sharply structured as the novel itself, with its neat division into (1) the tour of districts and the burgeoning of revolution, (2) back home in District 12 and accepting the need for action (or, perhaps, flight), and (3) the game itself.
just a few words for the game itself: AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME. the game that takes up much of the final third of the novel is my other favorite thing in Catching Fire. the tension and danger, the pacing, the confusion of who should trust who and what did that person mean when they said that, the puzzle of what is happening in each deadly and differentiated section, the clock-like structure of the arena, and the immense difference between this game and the game depicted in Hunger Games... awesome! almost as awesome: the interview with the contestants, Katniss & Peeta's new look, Cinna's rebellion. really, i could go on and on. _________________________
HIT POINTS: 15 ALIGNMENT: Lawful Good SYMBOL: Big Spoon STRENGTH: 15 INTELLIGENCE: 20 WISDOM: 15 DEXTERITY: 5 CONSTITUTION: 10 CHARISMA: 20 FIGHTER: 9th Level Bread Baker BARD: 10th Level Public Speaker SPECIAL ATTACKS: Debilitating Guilt-Trip SPECIAL DEFENSES: He Actually Loves You
SUMMARY OF GAME PLATFORM:
i don't know how popular the character of Peeta is, probably because i am far from being a young adult - but i think his characterization is another wonderful achievement. it is not such an easy task to make A Good Person and Voice of Your Conscience without turning that character into a two-dimensional Marty Stu. Collins is able to accomplish this with ease (and this is a character whose every other line is practically I Love You Katniss), in scenes where mawkish sentimentality and eye-rolling cliché are conspicuously, happily absent. her handling of Peeta's character is a hallmark of Collins' overall success. she writes of a dire world, one full of death and despair and undying love and family tragedy and trials & tribulations both romantic and violent. and she does it in way that is clean, polished, graceful, direct, and terrifically moving....more
i once had a roommate named Julian Danger. he gave himself that name. he was in some bands, all terrible, one called The Angel Assassins, a terrible ni once had a roommate named Julian Danger. he gave himself that name. he was in some bands, all terrible, one called The Angel Assassins, a terrible name. he was a perpetual grad student in art history, and i can still recall him sitting in the hallway on our land line, cheerfully bragging away in his squeaky voice about how he'd fail this guy for being in a frat or this girl for having no clue about style. he always wore eyeliner, it highlighted his surprisingly pretty eyes. he only wore black and his pants were the tightest you could imagine, all the better to highlight his surprisingly immense schlong. he got all the chicks, one after the other. i remember he ended a screaming argument by telling one girl "I've Dated Artists, I've Dated Writers, I've Dated Musicians! I Can't Believe I Have To Deal With This Shit From a SHOPGIRL!"... he was a pretentious intellectual, a writer of the obnoxious zine DangerFox, a master of passive-aggression. he was the kind of fool who prided himself on being a capital-H Hipster. who does that? and it goes on and on.
why am i saying all this. because this fuckin book reminded me of Julian Danger, from the beginning up until the part where i threw it against the wall in furious irritation. not only that, but it is populated by characters just like Julian Danger, and our heroine seem to think they are the bees' knees... even worse, apparently so does Elizabeth Hand. argh, give me a break! that is so frustrating! particularly when Hand is a great writer, full of elegant phrases and capable of creating a wonderfully sinister atmosphere and surprisingly deep characters. well, i guess that stopped me from giving it 1 star.
if you like what you've read about Julian (i won't blame you; he had lots of fans), you'll probably like this this wannabe goth-adventure of human vampires and millenial tension. Julian may have enjoyed this one too - although he was sort of a snob about "genre" novels. now he lives right down the block from me - i should hurl it at him the next time i see him, to see if he likes it....more
To: Mr. Dan Simmons From: Associated Publishing Industries Unlimited, Ltd. Subject: Your Recent Submission The Terror
Thank you for your recent submissioTo: Mr. Dan Simmons From: Associated Publishing Industries Unlimited, Ltd. Subject: Your Recent Submission The Terror
Thank you for your recent submission. Unfortunately, at this time, we do not see a fit between your product and our company's goals.
Although our senior staff appreciated your technical ability, we noted several serious issues with your submission that need to be resolved prior to your product finding placement. These include, but are not limited to:
1. Extensive and Excessive Length. A common error made by both the reading public and the writing community is that the modern novel must exceed 700 plus pages. The success of the Harry Potter series has only contributed to this misunderstanding. What many fail to understand is that this is simply the result of spacing and font size; the truth of the matter is that novels like those written by Ms. Rowling are no larger than any given novel by Beatrix Potter. Despite the fixation on what are basically large-print serials, our focus groups more frequently maintain that "The Shorter, The Better" - particularly given their short attention spans and addiction to pop culture media e.g. Us Magazine, Jersey Shore, Charlie Sheen, and the like.
2. Lack of Genre. Your product appears to include traits from the Historical Novel, the Horror Novel (specifically its subset, the Monster Novel), and the Metaphysical Odyssey. Associated Publishing Industries Unlimited, Ltd. products must strictly adhere to our "One Novel, One Genre" company philosophy. The general reading public is a busy public, and have no time for the perplexing muddiness of genre mixing-and-matching.
3. (a) Lack of Traditional Romance; (b) Negative AND Positive Depictions of Homosexual Activity; (c) Interracial Sexuality Not Resulting in Punishment and/or Death of Non-White Character by Novel's End.
Please understand that our editorial staff has no personal issues with any of the above-noted items (in fact, our marketing department actively supports the targeting of the lucrative Gay/Homosexual demographic within our Ghettoized Associated Publishing Industries Unlimited, Ltd. subset label). However, the presence of all three alternative lifestyle choices/options within a single novel - one intended for mainstream consumption - can only yield confused, 'buy-shy' reactions from our reading public.
4. (a) Lack of Resolution. Your novel does not have a solid ending. It only offers questions, not answers. Additionally, the "dreamlike tone" of the final pages were off-puttingly "poetic" "ambiguous" and "transcendent"... three adjectives that our focus groups vehemently reject when considering reading options. this Lack of Resolution would not necessarily be problematic if your submission was intended to be the first in a multi-novel saga; however it is quite clear from your ending that another issue is (b) Lack of Potential for Sequel or Series.
5. Too Many Details. oh, and 6. Too Many Big Words.
We sincerely thank you for your time/effort.
Signed,
An Associated Publishing Industries Unlimited, Ltd. Representative...more
so there's this chick Lol Stein, a real blank broad, gets ditched by her cougar-lovin' fiance. bitch goes crazy, but the quiet kinda crazy, the kinda so there's this chick Lol Stein, a real blank broad, gets ditched by her cougar-lovin' fiance. bitch goes crazy, but the quiet kinda crazy, the kinda crazy you keep to yourself. girl gets married to some musician type. years later, she's a mother of three, living in her old town, and she gets wrapped up in her hottie best friend's life. the best friend is busy giving it up to this prick, a dapper don who works with her husband at the local hospital. Lol gets obsessed with the douchebag. some boring get-togethers happen. Lol spends some time watching the hotel room where the two are busy banging it out. mr douche spends some time wondering what is up with Lol. finally Lol and the ever-curious prick take a long-assed train trip to the place where Lol was first ditched years ago. they sit on the beach a while and talk some bullshit. finally, they bone. the end.
so there is an empty vessel. her name is Lol Stein. some say her mind became bent when she was betrayed by her lover; others say her mind was always a blank. Lol is a being who has let form define meaning; she has built her life around ideas such as what should a house and home look like? and how should a wife act, how should a scorned lover feel? Lol begins to be obsessed with her friend's affair... she wants to watch where the two lovers go, she wants to be a silent witness to their acts, she wants to find meaning in the forms of their passion. she wants their passion to fill her. in turn, her friend's lover becomes obsessed with her... he wants to understand what lies beneath that glassy surface, he wants to see his passion reflected upon it. is the nature of their different obsessions simply to be obsessed with the idea of an obsession? is that the nature of passion, of obsession... form eventually becoming meaning?
so there is a french writer, Marguerite Duras. her novels are not written in the classic literary form; her works are a part of the Nouveau roman - they are anti-tradition. her novels reject such standbys as narrative, characterization. her novels take the details of the world, the form of her characters' actions, and centralizes them so that these details, these descriptions of form, become the meaning itself. in her focus on these physical details, on the physicality of actions, she could possibly be considered a sensual writer. and yet this distance, this separation of incident from emotion, this focus on dividing intellectual contemplation from emotional reaction, makes her works an often clinical, alienating experience. ironically enough, her novel The Ravishing of Lol Stein is ostensibly about passion and voyeurism and the nature of love, the meaning of obsession, the traps and tricks of perspective and point of view. it is a passionless rendering of the various forms of passion.
so there is a reviewer, mark monday, a shallow kind of guy, one with an automatic bias against the intellectualization of sensuality. he finds it distasteful, hollow, unreal. even worse, he finds it to be Not Hot. perhaps he is merely symptomatic of gender essentialism at its most prosaic - a man who responds to visual, sensory outputs like all men supposedly do - the kind of guy who wants visceral activity, sensual description, the kind of dude who is intimately familiar with the pornographic appeal of the extreme close-up detail. he wants it to be real. and so he rejects Duras' frosty attempt to deconstruct the nature of passion and obsession. it leaves him cold.
so there is this guy, Mark M_____, he's rather an intellectual sort. he is a thinker. one of his favorite films is Hiroshima Mon Amour, written by Marguerite Duras. he admires the film's ability to position two living, breathing characters as - eventually - something both less and more than human... as archetypes for all lovers, for all individuals seeking meaning in escape, in passion, in the forms that meaning takes, within the at-times obliterating, all-encompassing physicality of each other's arms. he admires Duras' distance. he enjoys her lack of reliance on traditional narrative, plot, and characterization. in particular, he appreciates how, in books like The Ravishing of Lol Stein, the reader can literally pick any random page and, reading that page, understand the meaning of the entire work. each detail is symptomatic of the whole. he loves that.
so there was this bookish kid, Mark, who worked in the a/v department (of course) while going to school at ucsd. one evening he was in charge of a special screening of the film Hiroshima Mon Amour, for a class that he was in. unfortunately, Mark was high as a kite and got the reels mixed up... so the viewing audience saw the first part of the film first, the third part of the film second, the second part of the film last. there was not a single complaint from the audience. in class the next day, the students discussed the film - and there was no mention of a narrative breakdown, of a mix-up in reels. the purpose of the film remained clear for the students. each detail within the film distilled the meaning intended by the filmmakers. the narrative order was inconsequential. content did not drive form. characterization was unnecessary. plot was meaningless. meaning was present in each part of the film. each part was a whole.
so there was this book, The Ravishing of Lol Stein. it dealt with passion and obsession, and the forms they take, and the meaning of those forms. it dealt with those subjects intellectually, objectively, without heat or emotion. it showed no interest in rendering its characters so that they could be understood empathetically. it left me cold. Duras began to seem rather heartless, rather cruel. but after some time, i began to recall Hiroshima Mon Amour, and what i loved about that film. i began to consider the novel again. i contemplated Duras' challenging themes. i started to admire the novel's distance, its alienation from its own topic. and so i grew to understand its frigid appeal, its sensual lack of earthy sensuality.
well, what can i say: sometimes i dig a cold, smart bitch....more
Jesus Christ on a popsicle stick, i can't believe i have to read this! argh. my colleague Michael (hopefully not a GR member) loaned this to me; clearJesus Christ on a popsicle stick, i can't believe i have to read this! argh. my colleague Michael (hopefully not a GR member) loaned this to me; clearly he knows that i am a "reader". but just as clearly he does not get that i like my books to have at least an edge of un-reality to them. you know, fantasy. horror. science fiction. historical fiction. and if not that, then just something, anything that moves them away from mainstream depictions of the modern real world. now Room looks like a snapshot of life right from the news. or right from my place of work! good grief, i deal with depressing enough stuff already goddamnit! reading the back cover description was like reading the label of a bottle of poison - i do not want to drink this. but fine, i respect you Michael and so i will read this one. just don't get mad if it takes me two months to get through this fucking thing.
__________
it took me over two weeks to finish the first half. i finished the second half during an afternoon and part of an evening. an amazing novel and a very emotional experience. i think i'll save writing a review for a little bit and let it sink in for a while.
__________
it's hard for me to define exactly why the first half of the novel was so hard to get through. at first i convinced myself that the child's perspective was just too "hearbreakingly poignant", and i am not the kind of person who is enthusiastic about reading works of heartbreaking poignance. but that is patently false; i love those kinds of books although i would never admit it openly. well, i'd say it in a GR review, but i would never say that out loud, if that makes sense. perhaps i'm a hypocrite that way. so then i convinced myself that there was just something wrong with the narrator's voice, something off, he just seemed - at different points - to be either too precocious or too simple for a child his age. i compared him a lot to my nephews, and it didn't gel - his thought process did not parallel their thought process. but then i thought about this kid's situation, the extreme sort of home-schooling he received, the protective wall that his amazing mom built for him, the way he interpreted the world...and it made sense, a whole lot of sense. his voice turned out to be a very real one for me, at least based upon my understanding of his young life.
and so i realized that the reason i was avoiding coming back to Room's first half was more basic, more simple. it made me want to cry, all the time. perhaps i'm too soft, maybe i just have too thin a skin. it's not like i have any illusions about kids - they are not saints to me, nor are they just tiny adults. i'm comfortable around children and i prefer them to many adults i've met, but i don't idealize them either. however i do have a big natural urge to protect them. i'm not sure where that comes from; i don't think it's based on genetics or upbringing. and so it was just really hard to return again and again to a novel that had as its central situation the kind of thing that i try actively to never contemplate. as in, i'll turn the channel or put down the paper if i come across a story like this one. to be honest, each time i read a few lines of the first half, my eyes would well up a little, that shortness of breath thing happened - and often in public, on the bus, at a coffeeshop, reading at a lunch spot. the private world of this novel became a public experience to me. i avoided this book at first because i do not like to appear weak - to the world around me, or to myself.
i told the guy who loaned me the book about my issues and was given some advice: just stick with it, it will open up and it will be beautiful. and so i did. and the book did. it was good advice.
the first half of the book was beautiful as well. wonderfully written. but thank God, the second half really did open up. it was like taking a breath of wonderful, clean air, somewhere in nature, away from the city. the humor remained but it was transformed into something wry, something that was still poignant but with a sheen of sardonic humor that i appreciated (and, truth be told, perhaps had a level of distance to it that i rather lazily connected to as well). the anger i felt in the first half towards Old Nick was inchoate - the kind of blind rage that i feel towards anyone who'd harm a child. the anger i felt in the second half was of a kind that is more comfortable, more familiar - towards the media, towards pop psychology, towards various institutions and the like. the second half had lessons to be learned - lessons about perception and isolation and materialism and the family bond and the bond between mother & son, protector & protected. the simple fact of "lessons to be learned" made the second half so much easier to read, it made the narrative positively propulsive in my desire to learn what was going to happen next. the horribly (and needfully) static nature of the book's first half was replaced by an emotional dynamism that really grabbed me. again, this is not a critique of the first half, which i think was perfectly written. instead, it is a critique of my own ability to deal with challenging, terrifying situations involving kids - since i couldn't do anything to stop or even hurt Old Nick, i wanted only to look away. and so the second half turned out to be more of a familiar road, with familiar pleasures. the first half of the book was horribly unique and my mind balked. the second half eased me back into a world i could deal with, respond to, and not shut down. at the end of the second half, the end of the novel itself, i read those last few sentences over and again, closed the book, and cried. such a relief. it's funny to think of all the tears i had saved up....more
These characters were just too dumb to hate. I thought the opening of this book was the fucking best opening of a book ever, and Lynsay Sands is anothThese characters were just too dumb to hate. I thought the opening of this book was the fucking best opening of a book ever, and Lynsay Sands is another author on my must-buy list. It doesn't seem to matter whether it's a paranormal or a historical, her stories have humor and heart and leave me feeling good when I'm done. Standing room only on the train, heat index already at 115, nauseous service dog, and this book. Ok I'm done with this book and let me tell you it's funny, exciting, and has lots of love. Here is a summery of the book enjoy.
Evelinde is promised to "The Devil of Donnachaidh" and all she has heard about him are EXTREMELY horrible things. Have you ever had your nipple sucked accidentally? Have you ever sucked someone's nipple accidentally? Cullen is no dummy and his instant attraction to Evelinde causes him to move quickly to get her out from under her stepmother. He doesn't talk much, but he does grunt and growl A LOT. Scottish is an awesome language. "It's uncanny," said a senior researcher, speaking under condition of anonymity, they have improbably good sex like a couple of blow-up dolls. I like sex scenes. The great thing about them is tha they are usually the parts of the book that it opens to naturally, because when you're rubbing one out you tend to open the book a little wider. So you go looking for the parts of a library book that open easily, like Evelinde's womanhood. I laughed so hard I had to wash my face and can't fathom obvious-to-the-village-idiot type ideas like how a person might want a change of clothes when moving to a new home or that maybe you should stick around to introduce your new wife to your family. Or talk to her, ever.
Lots of humor, lots of hot lovemaking, and a happily ever after filled with love. I enjoyed Cullen and Evelinde immensely. Mostly because there was no contrived plot device to keep them apart - this book cares more about the woman’s orgasms than a lot of porn I’ve seen, and people who are forced into other marriages, they are just fucked. Each of the main character's learn a little something important about the other and all the miscommunications that they had had in the not so distant past are easier to understand. But don’t these people know there’s so much better porn out there? Whiskey tango foxtrot?
___________
my sincere apologies, Esteemed Literary Group. i know this was an assignment that i should have completed. i... just... could... not... do... it. let's pick a better book for the next go-round! although i suppose "better" is purely subjective.
and so i have presented to you my very first Drunken Review in the form of a very special Review Mash-Up. Guess the Reviewers! i can take no credit for a single phrase above the italics, i just don't have it in me now, and i feel it's time that other reviewers work for me! those were some good pisco sours i had tonight. the ceviche and those beef heart skewers were pretty tasty too. woot!
"Well, mostly. A lot of it unattributed, so there's that too," replied Mark.
"Unreadable then?"
"Well, sorta. B"So is it all dialogue then?" asked Mark.
"Well, mostly. A lot of it unattributed, so there's that too," replied Mark.
"Unreadable then?"
"Well, sorta. But no, it's readable. Just a certain kind of readable. For certain kinds of readers. It's not dense and it's not long but it's also not easy. It doesn't let you in easy, into its world. Or worlds. Or, actually, lack of worlds - just one big blending of worlds, in a way. A world of words, bleeding together, these three characters' thoughts across three different time periods and they are maybe the same person essentially but maybe not, the dialogue is all in a modern vernacular but the story skips throughout time. Although time's meaningless too, in a way, and definitely in this book, and the ends these characters meet are all pretty inevitable. Timeless inevitability that's sad and terrible and beautiful and all those things. And maybe hard to grasp too. Different places but similar patterns repeated; different plunges but similar results. Three characters are one character; one place changes but has a similar effect; one axe head, the same axe head. Despair and love and teenage confusion and rape and death and mutilation and teenage angst and people dying and people coming together and people falling apart. Things fall apart too and people return, always. Always the same...
So anyway: you like it easy, Mark, so maybe you should skip this one?"
"Sounds like you are talking to a Mark from a different era! This Mark can handle it. He's as good at reading this stuff as college-age Mark was. This Mark likes a challenge and that Mark did too. Who cares if he bought the book because that other Mark, the one in the middle - or maybe it was the third one? - yeah, he may have liked those other sorts of Alan Garner books, those fantasies, but this Mark will be fine. This is Garner's underappreciated masterpiece and it needs to be read. This Mark isn't much different than those other Marks, not that much; I bet all of them would want to read this book and would find something in it."
* LATER *
"So what did you think?"
"It was good. Definitely made me think."
"Would that one Mark have thought it was good too? His kind of book like it's your kind of book?"
"Probably. But he probably wouldn't have cried a bit at the end, like I did. He was more of a shame than a guilt type of guy and crying maybe wouldn't have happened. Crying may have made him feel a little embarrassed, a little ashamed at the naked emotion in himself and in a challenging book like Red Shift. But that Mark had more barriers up. He was the same Mark but probably less vulnerable, especially to himself. This is a good book to read if you like a challenge but also are able to read without those kinds of barriers between yourself and a book and maybe between yourself and who you are. Still, that Mark would have liked it, for sure. Much like Macey and Thomas and Tom, basically only the circumstances are different between this or that Mark. It takes more than a red shift to change a person, or a life."...more
a rousing climax to the most ravishing love story of the modern age. tempestuous, tormented Frodo at long last learns to accept the love of h♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
a rousing climax to the most ravishing love story of the modern age. tempestuous, tormented Frodo at long last learns to accept the love of his lifemate - the loyal and submissive Samwise Gamgee, bottom-extraordinaire. this is truly a tale of love's labour hard-won, and at such a cost! but love conquers all in the end, and even bitter, militantly hetero villain Sauron cannot stand in the heart's path for too long. in this third book of the torrid trilogy, Frodo's love-hate relationship with the concept of commitment - deftly symbolized by a gorgeous, one-of-a-kind, designer ring - reaches a dramatic fever pitch, as he wrestles with his awkward feelings about monogamy & gay marriage in the boiling, repressive deserts of "Mordor" (clearly a stand-in for maverick Texazona). fortunately, the maternal Sam is constantly by his side to offer succor - forever the wind beneath Frodo's wings.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
the incredibly racy & erotic atmosphere is filled with a circuit party's worth of soldier types, as well as many classic queer icons: butch trade turned romantic male-model Aragorn; saucy friends-with-benefits Merry & Pippin; the tough & dour yet loveable uber-dyke Arwen; little bear-daddy Gimli; cringing closet-case Oh My Precious; fey pretty-boy Legolas; the exquisite drag queen enchantress Galadriel; and of course, presiding over them all, flouncing from scene to scene, battling his nasty sourpuss of an ex-boyfriend Saruman, and just chewing up the scenery like no one else...the fabulous and effervescent Gandalf the Gay. you go, girlfriend!
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
despite the couple dozen unnecessary scenes of Sam staring dreamily into Frodo's sad sad eyes, this is truly a flawless and timeless gay classic, one that boldly states Love Is a Glorious Burden That We Must Ever Shoulder. love knows no boundaries. and even the smallest of men can have the biggest...."heart", i suppose. queer fave Enya even contributes to the soundtrack. Return of the King is a luscious, deliriously homoerotic fantasia.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
oops, forgot i wasn't reviewing the thrillingly fagtastic film version. well, as far as the novel goes, it is perfect. i wouldn't change a word. even the poetry is awesome....more
this is a zippy, high-spirited breeze of a novel, aimed at the lucrative TROPE(1) audience - and with clear appeal for even younger folks. as far as cthis is a zippy, high-spirited breeze of a novel, aimed at the lucrative TROPE(1) audience - and with clear appeal for even younger folks. as far as characterization and narrative go, there is not much here that will suprise or challenge the reader...but the novel does have charm, lots of it. don't expect to get your mind blown, but it is certainly a pleasant way to spend a few hours. and there are many enjoyable elements in the now-almost-played-out use of TROPE(2): big clanky walking-machines, living dirigibles and various flying machines or machine-beasts, the setting itself, and the enjoyable TROPE(3) of europe during the first world war - now rife with imaginative historical tweaks and simmering distrust between the machine-lovin' Clankers and the evolutionary mix-masters, the Darwinists.
the TROPE(4) is rather standard - a plucky, mouthy, resilient young TROPE(5) who TROPE(6) to have the adventures of a boy. nonetheless, despite the familiarity of the gender-bending, she is thoroughly enjoyable. the TROPE(7) is also rather standard - a prickly and often high-handed little TROPE(8), but also a TROPE(9) one too. both TROPE(10) are TROPE(11) on several occasions. their TROPE(12) is nicely played out through TROPE(13) and the inevitable TROPE(14) wait to rear their predictable little heads until very near the end, as the young miss starts feeling some sparks during a fervent bit of grateful hugging. it is actually adorable, and all the better for its lack during most of the novel. and there are also two adult characters who are fun (but, again, rather standard) - an eccentric zookeeper/scientist/envoy/ TROPE(15) and her probable TROPE(16), a sardonic and loyal austrian 'wildcount'.
the narrative is propulsive yet episodic. there is no standard TROPE(17) for the hero or heroine, although i suppose Alek's TROPE(18) to the austrian crown may eventually qualify...but so far, there is really nothing for him to quest after, as he spends most of his time hiding and running. for the time-being, the reader is immersed in action that comes breathless and willy-nilly, with little pause for reflection or rumination. i would have appreciated some more quiet times where the reader gets to live and breathe the characters' lives and the world's strangeness, but clearly the novel is geared more towards younger, shorter attention spans.
i love the steampunk subgenre. on that level, the novel succeeds. i may just be a sucker for reading about TROPE(19), about TROPE(20) (although obviously this novel is not set during the victorian era), about TROPE(21), about TROPE(22) in general.
the novel includes a bunch of pleasing black-and-white illustrations. they are wonderful. almost TROPE(23)-ific! minus the TROPE(24), of course.
_______________________________
KEY
1. Young Adult 2. steampunk 3. alterna-history 4. heroine 5. tomboy 6. disguises herself as a boy 7. hero 8. prince 9. sad and rather tragic 10. almost over-their-heads heroes 11. brave and quick-thinking and save the day 12. gradual coming-together 13. alternating pov chapters 14. romantic clichés 15. liberated lady 16. surprise love interest 17. Quest 18. legacy as the heir 19. futuristic yet strangely archaic technology 20. quasi-victorian explorations of sexual repression/gender imbalance 21. nifty new ways that evolution can be tweaked 22. anachronism 23. Edward Gorey 24. morbid child-killing ...more
3 (5-ounce) cans solid Victorian Era packed in water 1/2 cup minced Bruce Sterling 1/2 cup minced William Gibson 1/4 cup Technological SpeSTEAMPUNK SALAD
3 (5-ounce) cans solid Victorian Era packed in water 1/2 cup minced Bruce Sterling 1/2 cup minced William Gibson 1/4 cup Technological Speculation 1 hard-boiled Spy Thriller, chopped in large pieces 1 soft-boiled Detective Tale, finely minced 3 Major Characters, lukewarm 1 Mysterious Box of Computer Punch Cards Salt and Pepper 1/2 teaspoon Ambition
STEP 1 Place Victorian Era in fine-mesh strainer and press dry with paper towels. Transfer to medium bowl and mash with fork until finely flaked. Microwave Bruce Sterling and William Gibson with Ambition until both authors begin to soften, about 2 minutes. Cool slightly, about 5 minutes. Fold in authors, Technological Speculation, Spy Thriller, and Detective Tale into Victorian Era and mix until bland and without individualistic flavor.
STEP 2 Stir 3 Major Characters and 1 Mysterious Box of Computer Punch Cards into mixture. VERY IMPORTANT: mix thoroughly! Mixture must remain insipid and uninspiring. Add discreet amounts of Salt and Pepper. Salad can be refrigerated in airtight container for several decades....more
¡WOW BOB WOW! GULLY FOYLE IS FAST AND FURIOUS! A MADMAN OUT FOR VENGEANCE, LEFT FOR DEAD NOT ONCE - BUT TWICE! HE IS HUMAN JUGGERNAUT, HE IS FORCE¡WOW BOB WOW! GULLY FOYLE IS FAST AND FURIOUS! A MADMAN OUT FOR VENGEANCE, LEFT FOR DEAD NOT ONCE - BUT TWICE! HE IS HUMAN JUGGERNAUT, HE IS FORCE MAJEURE, HE IS BOTH ROCK AND HARD PLACE! HE HURTLES THROUGH SPACE & TIME & MISADVENTURE, HE WEARS MANY FACES, A LOVER AND A RAPIST, THE MOST VIOLENT MAN IN THE ROOM, THE ANGRIEST BOY EVER, A HUMAN TIMEBOMB! HIS FACIAL TATTOOS: A TIGER, A TIGER! BURNING BRIGHT! THE ONLY GIRL FOR HIM - ANOTHER SOCIOPATH! THE ONLY DESTINATION FOR HIM: THE STARS!LITERALLY! THIS HOLY NEANDERTHAL IS HUMANITY'S FUTURE HOPE!
a thrilling narrative. a challenging protagonist. a metaphysical and surprisingly hopeful ending. a great classic!...more
So this book literally fell off of my bookshelf the other day when I was moving things around. I thought to myself That cover! ItUPDATED REVIEW 3/2022
So this book literally fell off of my bookshelf the other day when I was moving things around. I thought to myself That cover! It had been a while since I first read this, circa 1990, I'm old. Then I remembered a non-review I posted here, circa 2011, basically copy-and-pasting a conversation I had with the infamous karen, probably from one of her own review threads. So I took a look at that un-review. I laughed. So I decided to reread the book itself after all those years. I laughed again, maybe not so much as when I read anti-review, but a laugh is a laugh. So I decided to write another review. So this is that review. But it's not really a review. The book is not really a book anyway. So I guess that's only fair. So So, So So.
I must ask mark of 2011 a few questions:
(1) Were you drunk when you posted your thoughts on this?
(2) If not, what went wrong with your memory back in 2011?
(3) Did you maybe confuse this with another book?
(4) Because why in the fucking world would you say that this book is about the loneliness of the human condition? Only sorta-kinda about that. You were right about this book being concerned with (meta)text and about the (meta)history of the (meta)story it was telling, good job. But also why did you say that this book has sex scenes? For chrissakes? There's some spicy language and some *hints* and the last page mentions Snow White's "arse" and her "revirginization" but there's like zero-0-zero sex scenes. Which lemme tell ya mark of 2011, that was a real disappointment here in 2022.
Although I did like your phrase "reverse boner" - good one!
Anyway, this book is about modern life and gender dynamics through a postmodern lens. It certainly riffs on the Snow White fairytale which was semi-amusing. Its take on women is definitely liberated, but in that cringey 1960s/70s way that has some truth but also a lot of weird chauvinism. But at least through a postmodern lens, lol. This seems like it was a lot of fun to write. A bit less fun to read, though I did smile a few times and laughed once. Nice loud laugh though, scared the birds off of my patio. Pussy birds. (<-----dated chauvinist joke, would fit right in with this novel).
For some reason, in 1990 I underlined this sentence:
"Try to be a man about whom nothing is known..."
Huh. I wonder why. Did mark 1990 at the ripe age of 20 think that would be a laudable goal to achieve? Well if so he certainly failed! But maybe he just thought it was a kinda interesting line? Who knows, I can't read his mind just like I can't read mark 2011's mind. I mean who wants to read minds anyway, that sounds super boring.
Anyway, congratulations are due to mark 2022 for completing his first reread of the year!
and here's a po-mo review of a po-mo novel! or is it just a copy-and-pasted comment thread? does "art assume an aura of authority that controls the observer"? or does it simply equal blah blah blah? is that po-mo on the bottom of my sho-mo?
message 29: by karen/me yeah. i also loved Briar Rose, which was one of robert coover's fairy tales, since we are talking po-mo
message 30: by mark and then there's Snow White. but i didn't love it. maybe too po-mo, and i love that genre. well, i like that genre. love is a strong word!
message 31: by karen/me i own that, but i never read it. it is all erotic, right?
message 32: by mark not all, but a lot of Capital-E Erotic! if po-mo could ever truly be considered erotic. a person could theoretically get a reverse-boner reading this novel.
but it is more than just sex scenes, for sure. lots of typical po-mo concerns. what is reality? what is identity? what is the text you are reading? what is the history this story is creating? it also has its fair share of 'is human existence essentially a lonely one, because of its very nature?' type concerns.
message 33: by karen/me oh, that sounds better than what i thought it was.
message 34: by mark karen, its not
message 35: by karen/me haahha oh no!! but it sounds better than "one lady, seven men" bwam bwam!! no?
message 36: by mark well, that is true. it is much more than 7-on-1 action!
message 37: by karen/me okay, well then i won't rush to read this one. it has been sitting on my shelf for about seven years, so i will just continue to let it sit...
message 38: by mark depending on the edition & cover art, it may serve as a delightfully sensuous drink coaster! much more useful that way. my edition has a nude lady on the cover, looking naughty yet thoughtful, as she carefully considers 7 hands reaching towards her from behind a screen. oy vey, how erotic!
message 39: by karen/me hahaah direct from the seventies, i expect?
message 40: by mark yep, it is super seventies. now that i'm looking at the cover again, it is not a screen. it is a shower curtain! a kind of 70s-style, floral-pattern shower curtain. gosh, so extremely sensual yet mellow & digable!
message 41: by karen/me can you slap a picture of it in here?
this connection-collection includes hunky bachelor AZATHOTH and hot-to-trot bachelorette SHUB-NIGGURATH, as ftime again for LOVE ♥ CRAFT ♥ CONNECTION!
this connection-collection includes hunky bachelor AZATHOTH and hot-to-trot bachelorette SHUB-NIGGURATH, as featured respectively within the stories "The Insects of Shaggai" and "The Horror from the Bridge".
Nickname: the mad nuclear chaos at the center of the universe Likes: staring at the stars, dreaming, music - especially the pan-flute Dislikes: judgmental and close-minded people :( Favorite Craft: as Mr. Azathoth is roughly the size of a star, his biggest hobby is - understandably - subduing then devouring planets What He Is Looking For: cocky civilizations interested in 'thinking outside the box', getting hypnotized en masse, and then being slowly digested.
Nickname: she-goat of the woods with a thousand young Likes: relaxing in nature and in subterranean caves Dislikes: uptight people, smokers (fire in general) Favorite Craft: as a "fountain of uncleanliness", Ms. Niggurath enjoys simple, primordial delights such as creating, procreating, and bubbling forth various pseudopods and crawly, flappy minions What She Is Looking For: adventurous souls willing to live in the moment, just let it all go and try something new!
__________
and now for the review:
2 Stars for the first two-thirds. uninspiring and only vaguely entertaining H.P. Lovecraft pastiches. of interest only to Ramsey Campbell and Cthulhu Mythos completists.
4 Stars for the awesome final third. now this is the Campbell that i am familiar with: brilliant, challenging writing; compelling use of the unreliable narrator and the tortured inner monologue; an increasingly pervasive feeling of dread tinged with a yearning desire for transcendence of some sort; chilling scenarios with often genuinely upsetting imagery and disturbing endings. bravo, Campbell! some really excellent writing in:
"Before the Storm": the inner monologues of a man transformed and the harried customer service staff forced to deal with him - a grotesque and often hilarious story.
"Cold Print": liberated but lonely gay sadist finally meets some people who understand and appreciate him. awww!
"The Tugging": my favorite story. a reporter slowly realizes that his troubling dreams, the weird criminal antics of his grandfather, and an approaching 'stray planet' are all somehow terribly linked with some, er, pretty big worldwide changes about to occur.
.....To everything - turn, turn, turn .....There is a season - turn, turn, turn .....And a time for every purpose under heaven
"The Faces at the Pine Dunes": an eventually-cosmic coming of age tale, at first rooted in prosaic, kitchen-sink realism. the young protagonist is expertly and sympathetically depicted. and that final image of his parents... ugh!
"Blacked Out": if you are in a remote part of bavaria and approach an unknown village, one preceded by a completely blacked-out road marker... DO NOT GO TO THAT VILLAGE, DUMMY!
"The Voice of the Beach": a sinister other-dimension that once inhabited our own dimension of space seeks to return, one man at a time. perfectly drawn atmosphere and a truly unworldly horror.
Cold Print is worth seeking out for folks who appreciate literary horror - if only for those last few tales. so for those six great stories: job well-done, Campbell!...more
he's the Revenant Robin Hood, leader of a band of merry men whose purpose is to steal from the wicked, give to the needy, ransom the royalty, hang the bad guys, and maybe get laid some. Lord Beric comes equipped with a nifty super-power (courtesy of the Lord of Light, 'natch)... he gets to come back from the dead! unfortunately, his various hideous wounds get to come back with him. but so what... all those scars (and missing eye, and noose-blackened neck, and crushed-in head) only make him more manly. he's just the dreamiest!
so what if she's socially awkward, mulishly stubborn, and entirely unimaginative... this young miss may be the last remaining True Knight in the realm! she kicks some serious ass, is loyal to a fault, and she brings out the human in that Jaime Lannister. at one point she stops to take a break by burying some random dead people hanging from a tree. what a big heart she has, it's adorable. you go, girl!
ha, ha - you thought he was the villain! joke's on you, sucker/reader. this gifted songster is not only the leader of the Free Folk (and what's not to like about them? they believe in freedom, equality, and the pursuit of happiness - even their tendency to steal women is sorta charming)... he is a man who turned his back on the rigid class system and general stuck-upedness of Westeros society for the charms of anarchic wildlings. he's just trying to get all his people away from those infernal Others. goodbye, mysterious villain... hello, brave hero!
sure, her eyes glow red. sure, she's a little bloodthirsty. sure, she wants to sacrifice some children. what of it? we all have our flaws. don't judge this sorceress... her only goal is to, um, SAVE THE ENTIRE WORLD FROM UTTER DESTRUCTION. have some sympathy for her goals already. it's not like you could do a better job at trying to SAVE THE ENTIRE WORLD FROM UTTER DESTRUCTION. i want her on my team!
***
~ and a special shout-out to classy old-timer Lady Olenna, Queen of Thorns. well finally someone realizes that King Joffrey's shenanigans are truly intolerable. extra bonus points for naming your personal bodyguards "Left" and "Right". ~
hey, King Asshole, ever hear of keeping your word? seriously, Promiseslayer, what's wrong with you? you may win your battles, but you break your vow over a little punani? and what's up with chopping off the head of your own bannerman? not too bright, son. and all the good intentions in the world doesn't excuse your tendency towards Usurping the Rightful King. duh. my gosh, as far as common sense goes... the apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree.
good grief, two winners in one family - those lucky Starks! hmmm, let's see... you capture the wrong guy in book 1... you free an enemy in book 2... you seriously underestimate the most obvious "secret" villain in the world in book 3. what the hey? clearly you should have retired years ago. but i sense some redemption in your future. i know you have some bloodthirstiness in you, so let that freak flag fly in book 4 and get down to some serious villain-killing already!
wow, i used to love you so much. until i realized you were getting sorta inappropriate with Danerys. yeah, she's brave and beautiful and a queen and she frees entire cities worth of slaves and she has three lovely dragons. but didn't you notice that she's about a third your age? and on top of that, you're a jealous liar. get outta here, Creepy McCreeperson!
come on, wolfie - Arya is supposed to be your soulmate! she's running all over Westeros just trying to get back to the fam, clearly needing a helping hand or paw... so why are you off galivanting about the countryside, chasing deer and hanging out with your new wolfpack buddies? well you did save her ass by taking down some of those Brave Companions - but that's a case of too little, too late. and here i thought that wolves are a girl's best friend. silly me. i guess your stomach is so much more important.
***
~ a special Zero mention must be made for Tyrion the Imp. where did that brain of yours go? why are you getting your ass handed to you again and again? well at least you unstuck your head from that ass and finally delivered some seriously overdue comeuppance... but i had to read 900 pages to get to that part. i want my old Tyrion back, stat! ~
__________
no review necessary, there are enough excellent ones out there. i loved this book, as i loved its predecessors. my favorite parts were the scenes with Sandor Clegane and Arya Stark. those two vicious killers were made for each other and their relationship was both laugh-out-loud funny and strangely moving. awww. at long last, a father figure that a child can truly look up to, and a daughter surrogate who knows what it means to really, really want to get some payback.
Amuse Bouche Our rich Tartare à la Homo Sapien will astonish you with its hauntingly familiar flavors, its bright aOn the menu tonight: WORLD WAR Z
Amuse Bouche Our rich Tartare à la Homo Sapien will astonish you with its hauntingly familiar flavors, its bright and vivid colors, and the truly gamey taste of terror, tears, and trauma. Fresh kill will never appear so carefully arranged and presented: prepare yourself for a buffet that appeases both the palate and the intellect.
Appetizer A surprisingly hearty summer soup: tantalizing hints of summer flavors frozen solid, then slowly re-animated to surprise the unwary diner. You will literally gasp in amazement as the flavors you thought had come and passed during the colder months rise again to challenge your taste buds! The stew contains a veritable global village of ingredients: you will taste the inscrutable flavors of the mysterious Orient, the refined and subtle tastes of English manor and European castle, the bold and ruthless tang of Mother Russia, and at its core, the zesty essence of woodsy North Americana will serve to keep this dish firmly anchored in the classic Western tradition. This bold starter will act as a bullet straight into your palate’s head!
Entrée One could perhaps assume that a multi-course, zombified meal will be centered around a choice cut of rare beef steak; our menu will sorely disappoint such traditional diners. Instead we offer as the centerpiece of our prix fixe meal an array of delights that appease not the base emotional senses, but the higher appetites of the intellect! Never fear, diner, your hunger will be truly satiated – but only if you are able to cast aside your yearnings for an old fashioned cheeseburger and partake in a less sensual but perhaps more fulfilling menu. To that end, we offer a buffet of international flavors: taste the crusty unleavened bread of walled Israel, savor the rainbow flavors of a South African duo of rib and grain, relish the fatty riches of Canadian poutine (we understand that Americans will often flee north simply to indulge in this dish!), enjoy a classic sampling of melancholy Japanese swordfish... the world is yours to consume, in a carefully planned and constructed rejoinder that laughs in the face of undead chaos, and shouts: I Am the Decider!
Dessert For our last dish, we offer you this stunning plate: a downed, half-mad pilot, communicating with phantoms as she hurtles through dense bog and over abandoned freeway, bravely resisting the hungry hands and teeth of the undead!
Wine Pairing We are proud to offer a new vintage “Max Brooks”, heretofore enjoyed only by ironic survivalists, now available to the world at large....more
Amuse Bouche This treasured bit of savory Pirate en Papillote will tantalize your taste buds: a choice cut ofOn the menu tonight: ON STRANGER TIDES
Amuse Bouche This treasured bit of savory Pirate en Papillote will tantalize your taste buds: a choice cut of ole pirate lore and Caribbean history, spiced with traditional Creole seasonings, and glazed with a stringent sea salt reduction to further whet the appetite. Ahoy, diners, prepare yourself for a repast that is simultaneously light and fulfilling!
Appetizer A tossed salad of varied delights: for the historian, we include historical greens as served during the actual time period on display – vignettes that are easily verified by a cursory search on Wikipedia; for the robust straight male, a hearty helping of derring-do, swordplay, vengeance, machismo, and chivalry; for those of the more faggy persuasion, we offer constant shirtlessness and the promise of much nocturnal shipmate “camaraderie”. Unfortunately for the gentler sex, this multi-course meal does not include the usual sampling of kick-ass female pirate; although this flavor is present (sparingly), we instead offer a blander side of helpless Rescue-Me-Please. Our regrets to our lady diners.
Entrée Although the classic pirate bouillabaisse is often over-spiced to confusion, our delightful offering has been stripped down to allow the diner to discerningly inspect and consume the essence of each ingredient: the pure hero - a straightforward poached scallop; the pure heroine - a handful of simple white rice; the spicy villains - a vivid combination of Haitian crawfish, robust Andouille sausage, and most surprisingly, the traditionally bland English haddock, which we have flash-fried with – some may say – “sorcerous” spices, hitherto untasted by English gentry. Prepare your senses to be born again, and again, as each spoonful allows the diner to imagine how they may return to taste and re-taste this classic dish. Some have said that this meal inspires the rare individual to attempt to conquer Death, if only to return to this meal, forever and again. On this topic, our lips are sealed and our flavor profiles shall remain sacrosanct!
Dessert For our last dish, we offer you this stunning and dramatic plate: a half-mad English sorcerer, reliving his days as a happily married man, furiously fucking the sand as he once again fulfills his wedding night duties, as all around him turn aside, aghast!
Wine Pairing The vintage “Tim Powers” is a truly unique palate cleanser: it takes traditional historical figures and places them within the realm of the supernatural, all the while remaining true to their documented history. This fine wine takes the known and boldly combines it with the unknown: a marvelous feat!...more
Loading...
