You are the village Vicar and you've realized that this is a village of the damned. The damned Colonel has his Pride, his daChoose Your Own Adventure!
You are the village Vicar and you've realized that this is a village of the damned. The damned Colonel has his Pride, his damned wife has her carefully hidden Greed, his ditzy daughter is secretly filled with Wrath, that damned artist has his Lust, your damned maid is filled with an unprofessional Sloth, your damned curate is squirming with his filthy Envy, even your lovely and much younger wife is perhaps a bit too hungry at the table - beware of Gluttony! They have all forsaken God, and good sense. Worst of all is that damned busybody next door, Miss Marple, whose hungry greedy prideful eyes miss nothing. Does this lady ever take a nap?
All these sinners must come to Jesus! Preacher must preach! These villagers clearly have one true master, SATAN. It's all so confounding and diabolical... what's a good vicar to do?
If you decide that maybe you have misunderstood Miss Marple - she's no sinner, she's Nemesis personified - then choose this path to get right to her next adventure.
If it's time to skip the middleman and just get to work helping folks reach their final destination, choose this path to get the job done....more
You are The Adversary, full of secrets, including a Secret Identity. Are you the doctor? The detective? The American friend?Choose Your Own Adventure!
You are The Adversary, full of secrets, including a Secret Identity. Are you the doctor? The detective? The American friend? The spymaster? The barrister? The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker? Who knows! Certainly not your foolish enemies, which include above all the British government and their stiff upper lips. You run circles around these Anglos, they are like children to you. Amusing creatures, these English; you wonder if their upper lips will remain so stiff after you bring down their entire government and make them the world's laughingstock!
You have adversaries of your own: the foolish Tommy and the obstreperous Tuppence. These two amateur sleuths also amuse you. As if they could find you out. As if! Let them try. The only problem they pose is the question of which you shall kill first.
If you decide to give Tuppence her due, it's best to eliminate smart young women before they turn into smart old women, choose https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
You are Santa Claus and you've realized that this was the wrong chimney to climb down. A house full of adults with not a chiChoose Your Own Adventure!
You are Santa Claus and you've realized that this was the wrong chimney to climb down. A house full of adults with not a child in sight, a senior slaughtered, no presents and no tree and not even some goddamn milk & cookies. And the blood, the blood! It's everywhere! Who would have thought this wizened old creature could have so much blood in him. You may have slaughtered your share of lazy elves and reindeer, and red may be your favorite color, but you can't help but blanche at the sight of this cozy abattoir. And anyone in the house could have done it! They all have murder in their hearts, they all deserve a big bag of coal. Well, if everyone in the house could be guilty, perhaps none of them are? Perhaps Krampus paid the naughty old man a visit before you. Jolly Ole St. Nick wants nothing to do with this shocking scene of yuletide horror.
You are the A.B.C. Killer and indeed life is an adventure! So many paths to choose from, so many potential lives to snuff ouChoose Your Own Adventure!
You are the A.B.C. Killer and indeed life is an adventure! So many paths to choose from, so many potential lives to snuff out. As the song goes, A-B-C is as easy as 1-2-3! And 1-2-3 murders you shall commit, and maybe more... surely your hilarious nemesis, the very droll and oh too clever by half Hercule Poirot, shall create no barriers. How could he, when he has been drawn into this amusing murder plot by your own devious manipulations? Ah, these foreigners, so easy to fool. You shall lead him on, that overstuffed Continental and his over-waxed moustache, his over-dyed hair, you shall send him little notes to confuse and boggle his dear aged mind, you shall even pretend to be one of his allies. All in a day's work! Ob‐La‐Di, Ob‐La‐Da, Life Goes On, as another song goes. But one life shall not go on, as you work your way through the devil's alphabet. And who should your next victim be? So many to choose from...
You are an English village, and as one of your elderly residents is keen to say: "One does see so much evil in a village". SChoose Your Own Adventure!
You are an English village, and as one of your elderly residents is keen to say: "One does see so much evil in a village". She is far from wrong! Indeed, all the myriad examples of evil can be found in your snug and cozy confines. The soft evil of sloth. The hungry evil of lust. The tangy evil of pride. The righteous evil of wrath. The time-consuming evil of waiting for some geezer to kick the bucket so that cash can be distributed. And the evil fun of framing some very annoying innocents for a couple dastardly murders. How can a sleepy little English village like yourself keep track of all this evilness? These evils should be alphabetized and categorized in some sort of Library of Evil - but who has the time! Especially if there are bodies taking up space in this hypothetical library. Fortunately, that old dear has kept careful track - and she has a list. She will use your quaint villagers as evil exemplars, and so will solve an evil mystery. As the saying goes: It takes a village!
If you'd like to further discuss the ins & outs of village life, and taking life, choose this path.
If all this talk of evil has made you sleepy, so sleepy that it may be time to take a nice long nap, choose this path....more
You have reached the end of your story, and it is like so many stories that have come before: a story of a murder long-buYou Chose Your Own Adventure!
You have reached the end of your story, and it is like so many stories that have come before: a story of a murder long-buried, now reaching out to haunt those who live today. As always, you read this story with care, and you read it with a warning to the young: do not believe what you are told - and do not open old graves! Alas, they never listen. You shall guide them on their journey, and in the end, you will come to their rescue. That was ever to be your fate and your role; you are a rescuer. But now it is time for you to sleep, old dear. All your missions have been accomplished.
You are Nurse Leatheran and you are surrounded by the mud of Iraq. Ugh! So very muddy and dirty and ugly and really not veryChoose Your Own Adventure!
You are Nurse Leatheran and you are surrounded by the mud of Iraq. Ugh! So very muddy and dirty and ugly and really not very scenic at all. The Americans and British around you are mainly bitches and prats. The constant native chanting rattles your nerves. All of those pots being excavated at the archaeological dig site fail to interest you. Only your charge, the lovely Louise Leidner, impresses you. Despite being a real trouble-magnet, she's quite a take-charge sort of woman! It's too bad no one else seems to enjoy her, except for her amiable husband - no doubt a cuckold. Poor Louise: recipient of some very nasty notes and some very nasty looks and, worst of all, a very nasty blow to the head. But Dr. Poirot has entered the operating theater and you find you enjoy your new role as his surgical assistant. But whoever could kill such a fascinating woman? And whatever can a priggish, judgmental, vaguely racist, and rather misogynist nurse like yourself do to help solve such a mystery?
You are Dr. John Christow and you are not having the time of your life. Women, women everywhere, and not a drop to drink. ThChoose Your Own Adventure!
You are Dr. John Christow and you are not having the time of your life. Women, women everywhere, and not a drop to drink. There's the mistress who won't have you, the wife you don't want, the secretary who sees it all, the female patients you could care less about, and that one sad case you wish you could save... it is time to get away, maybe go out to the country and enjoy some clean air by the poolside. But the country has its own share of female trouble. It all becomes simply too much. What's a virile young physician to do? Perhaps just lay your weary head by the pool and let all your cares bleed out. But then what will become of your patients, your mistress... your wife? Do not fear, good doctor: the family will take care of its own!
If your poolside dreams lead you to a faraway land full of intrigue, exotic women, and of course the usual death toll, choose: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
Your name is Lynn Marchmont, and you have come home from the war. Home to your predictable village of Warmsley Vale, your prChoose Your Own Adventure!
Your name is Lynn Marchmont, and you have come home from the war. Home to your predictable village of Warmsley Vale, your predictable fiancé, your predictable little life all laid out in front of you. Once upon a time, you loved it all.
You secretly long for the war: the excitement, the medical emergencies, the thrills and the danger. Instead you must contend with your tiresome upper crust family, their sudden loss of fortune, the scheming, that strange feeling of ill-will floating around you. But do not fear, young miss! You shall see your share of excitement again - danger and passion, a thrilling life of adventure on the horizon. And a man with his head savagely pulped is surely its own sort of medical emergency.
But are such things really what you crave? Do people ever truly change? Which path shall you take?
If your way leads homeward, then choose this path to a long and quiet life, well-lived... a life full of quiet, easy murder!
If your way leads to places unknown, then choose this path to mystery and menace - enough to unhinge your mind!
(view spoiler)[I had to add this one to my 'all fucked up' shelf because man, the happy ending... jaw-droppingly fucked up. all it takes is a man to literally try to choke you out - as long as he genuinely loves you - to realize that you actually do love that man. and apparently if someone is accidentally killed, it doesn't really matter if the accidental murderer then berserkly mashes the dead man's head into pulp to cover up his crime... as far as Poirot is concerned, it all still started out as an accident, so no big deal and certainly not reason enough to stand in the way of true love. gosh!
still, this is a particularly clever Christie. it is full of unpredictable and often strange twists & turns and has a few exceedingly well-rendered characters. but I had to knock off a star because of that demented ending. (hide spoiler)]...more
Did you kill the Argyle matriarch? ‘Tis true, she was an awful sort. A control freak: dramatically highly-strung and passionChoose Your Own Adventure!
Did you kill the Argyle matriarch? ‘Tis true, she was an awful sort. A control freak: dramatically highly-strung and passionately venomous, her grasping hands ever eager to twist and to bind, to bind you and others to her. She is played by Faye Dunaway in tiny flashback sequences and that is certainly apropos casting. Mama Argyle was ever so unfair to you. She never let you do what you wanted, it was always her, Her, HER! She deserved to die, damn it! The world is a better place without her! The world should congratulate you! At the very least, they can give you some small bit of understanding for the good deed you've performed.
If you decide that the best defense is a good offense, choose this path.
If you feel you need to see a real ordeal by innocence, choose this path....more
If you are not Mrs. McGinty, and you don't appreciate being confused with a corpse, let alone a human one, because, well, you're not even a human, choose https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
If you are not Mrs. McGinty, but if you think Mrs. McGinty probably got what she deserved, she's guilty, they're all guilty, you are guilty as well, choose http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/......more
As a gay man, you have many tasks to accomplish in the course of a normal day. It is best to keep an appointment diary at haChoose Your Own Adventure!
As a gay man, you have many tasks to accomplish in the course of a normal day. It is best to keep an appointment diary at hand, at all times.
6:00am Gym
8:00am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00am Hair Appointment
10:00am Shopping (Macy's or Nordstrom's)
11:30am Leisurely al fresco Brunch
2:00pm (1) assume complete control of all U.S. Federal, state, and local governments, as well as all other national governments (2) destroy all healthy marriages (3) replace all school teachers K-12 with militant homosexuals who seek to recruit children for their homosexual lifestyle (4) bulldoze all places of worship (5) seize control of internet and other media (6) be utterly fabulous
3:00pm Beauty treatment for facial wrinkles from the stresses of world conquest, followed by aromatherapy
4:00pm Cocktails
5:00pm Light Dinner (soup, salad with arugula and balsamic vinaigrette, Chardonnay)
If you enjoy the company of straight women, the kind that look at you adoringly but are not exactly your type, the kind who treasure your taste, style, and ability to dance shirtless at circuit parties, then choose https://www.goodreads.com/review/show......more
You are a member of the British secret service, and you are having a really bad day. Murder is never the best of reasons to Choose Your Own Adventure!
You are a member of the British secret service, and you are having a really bad day. Murder is never the best of reasons to engage in romance, but for you, the two become intertwined before you know it. In a way, it is not hard to understand why: temporary secretaries are their own kind of secret agent, slipping in and out of mysterious situations, reporting what they know to their benefactor, a constant smile on their lips and calm professionalism their by-word. When double agents meet: fireworks! But who is an agent and who is the pawn? What are the motives of your benefactors? Who is pulling the strings, who is winding the clocks? For whom does the dread bell toll? Beware: time does not stop for your petty romances!
You are a police officer, out in the snow, the winter chill clouding your mind, the only refuge a sinister abode called the Choose Your Own Adventure!
You are a police officer, out in the snow, the winter chill clouding your mind, the only refuge a sinister abode called the Monkswell Manor. You enter the manor and it is as if you had entered the longest-running play in history... the players are all so familiar, the plot they are acting – so timeless.
You: Dear residents, pray give me some time to explain myself. ‘Tis the winter chill that drives me hither and thither! Be gentle, good sirs and ladies. Do stop freaking the fuck out, I mean seriously, y’all act like there’s been a murder or something.
Residents, in unison: THERE HAS!
You: Never fear, residents, I shall solve this dire mystery! The killer shall be drawn into my clever, clever mousetrap! Do not fear to sleep, perchance to dream!
Residents, in unison: Dear Officer! Our beds are your beds! Come hither, and thither; impress us with your sturdy dedication!
You are Mr. Ratchett. Or are you? Fame is not something you crave; comfortable retreat is your desired goal. You do not haveChoose Your Own Adventure!
You are Mr. Ratchett. Or are you? Fame is not something you crave; comfortable retreat is your desired goal. You do not have a nice face and foreigners appear to hold that against you. In fact, all the passengers on this express ride through Europe seem to find displeasure in looking at what you consider to be a rather dignified and intelligent face. It is mystifying! Why all the cold shoulders? Why all the quickly averted glances? Why the anonymous notes? Your frustration mounts; you do not like mysteries. Surely it is time to disembark... perhaps forever? Whatever is an American abroad to do?
You are on the dock for murder most foul! The awkward thing is that the contemplation of murder is not an unusual topic for Choose Your Own Adventure!
You are on the dock for murder most foul! The awkward thing is that the contemplation of murder is not an unusual topic for you. Your surprisingly extensive knowledge of poison is also a questionable thing. Whatever is a young lady to do? Look to Belgium for succor! A noted botanist of human nature will soon arrive to save the day, and he’ll turn that sad cypress frown upside down. Will you keep your dignity and integrity intact? Or will you admit that sometimes people truly deserve to be slain? Hold firm, young miss, class barriers will soon prove to be no obstacle at all to you – and perhaps all will see that murder is just another way of saying Goodbye!
If you would like to say Hello instead, choose this adventure.
If you would like to continue a life of contemplation amidst a company of magnificent cypress trees, choose this adventure.
You are Captain Arthur Hastings, and you are slowly falling in love with a Belgian. The feelings are embarrassing at first; Choose Your Own Adventure!
You are Captain Arthur Hastings, and you are slowly falling in love with a Belgian. The feelings are embarrassing at first; you find the Belgian himself to be quite an embarrassment. But there is just something about him. Could it be his suave, continental sense of humor... his keen sense of justice... his shapely, rubenesque figure? Or is it simply his hypnotic mustache, perhaps? The passion develops in fits and starts. You don’t want to love him, you really don’t. You don’t want to follow him around, adventure after adventure. You don’t want to be his little bitch, always at his beck and call, sniping and moaning at him but loving it nonetheless. You don’t like mysteries but you are about to fall victim to the greatest mystery of them all: the mystery of the human heart! Try as you may, the Belgian has hold of you, heart and soul. You will follow him forever.
The elephant brain is denser than the human’s, and the temporal lobes, associated with memory, are more developed than in huChoose Your Own Adventure!
The elephant brain is denser than the human’s, and the temporal lobes, associated with memory, are more developed than in humans. Elephant lobes also have more folding, so that they can store more information. That’s why elephants have excellent memory. But why? Elephants can recognize over 200 different individuals. This is essential, as females depend on one another for raising the young, more than in the case of other mammals. A mother can remember who is trustful and complex bonds are the bricks of elephant society, while the memory is the cement. When two elephants approach one another, they emit a “contact appeal”: if the other recognizes the appeal, it responds and approaches; if not, it starts to agitate and adopts a defensive position. This capacity of recognition lasts a very long time, even after one individual is dead: even the recording of a dead animal attracts the attention of its relatives and descendants.
If you love elephants because of their long memories (better to remember all those grudges) and because of their big feet (all the better to stomp your enemies into paste), choose http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/......more
You say you don’t like creative reviews. You say they are shallow, you say they're self-indulgent, you say they replace deptChoose Your Own Adventure!
You say you don’t like creative reviews. You say they are shallow, you say they're self-indulgent, you say they replace depth and research with humor. You say they are a waste of time. Yet here you are, playing your little games.
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