When I was nearly three-quarters of the way through Iced I was fairly certain I would never read another of Moning's books ever again. This book got mWhen I was nearly three-quarters of the way through Iced I was fairly certain I would never read another of Moning's books ever again. This book got my skin crawling and my stomach weak and just pissed me off far too often. Like all the reviewers who don't quite love this book, I'd have to say my main complaint is the vile old men chasing after the 14-year-old jailbait that is Dani O'Malley. And no matter what she's capable of doing, or what world she lives in, or that she's getting some curves, Dani is still very much a girl. I wouldn't even say she's close to being a woman, because she's such a kid it's ridiculous. Dani might have hips and breasts but she's not ready for any sort of adult relationship. This girl has never even had a boyfriend, and the last two guys she's had a crush on were Barrons and Vlaine.
So, yeah, she's not ready for the sort of adult attention she's getting from two grown men, nor do I imagine she will be for at least 4-5 years. The fact that it's happening within the pages of this book creeps me the hell out.
That said, I'm starting to get the feeling one of the adult men giving her way too much attention starts to become more of a mentor or possibly even a father-figure in Dani's mind, which set me at ease quite a bit. I totally don't mind that sort of relationship between the two of them so long as it doesn't develop into a sexual relationship down the road, because EW! I'm never going to be into the whole adult male grooming his future lover thing. Too gross for words.
I have so much to say here but I'll have to finish it up later (and I fully intend to do so because I have so much to say about this book). ...more
I guess I'll just start by saying this book is sWow. I don't even...
I mean, there's just so much to...
I don't even know where to begin, seriously.
I guess I'll just start by saying this book is so...gross. That's it, this book is gross. And frightening. It's everything Anna Dressed in Blood wishes it was—disgusting and terrifying. I mean, homicidal ghosts? Pshh. That's child's play. But post-apocalyptic life with all the food shortages, diseases, no order, no normalcy, mutants—like really nasty looking mutant-y mutants—and horrible ways to die around every corner? Now that's what I call pants-peeing, nightmare-inducing, huddle-in-corner-crying-out-for-your-momma scary. As far as I'm concerned that's not a bad thing.
Funny thing is, this cover did not in any way prepare me for the demented, never-ending county fair Fun House I entered. I mean, it looks so innocent, doesn't it? All pretty-like with a sophisticated font and gorgeous sapphire-blue butterfly. It looks like a fairly tame book about something fresh and...pure, am I right? Probably something about Soul Mates and rainbows and unicorns. You know, the sort of cutesy idealized thing that typically makes me want to chuck a book across a room.
But it's so not the sort of book I'd end up throwing at a wall.
(I figured out there is a reason for that, by the way, the whole innocent-looking-on-the-outside-but-jacked-up-on-the-inside thing this book has going for it, but that's not something I'm going to discuss right now.)
I want to give Pure more stars because, story-wise, it is pretty enjoyable, for the most part. And the gross-out factor is off the charts aaaaa-mazing, same goes for the scare factor. But did Julianna Baggott write a five-star worthy read? Not so much. I mean, sure, when it comes to recent YA genre dystopias/post-apocalyptic books Pure is sort of up there with The Hunger Games and Ship Breaker, beating out all of the other competition.
But...truthfully? I wasn't so wholly invested that I was able to overlook all the sciencefail! and believabilityfail! And it's not like I'm one of those people who find it difficult to suspend disbelief. I read plenty of books with ridiculous and often impossible story lines and I'm able to believe those just fine. It's just, for whatever reason, there was much that didn't work for me because the author didn't sell it correctly, or whatever.
For example there is this one character that somehow knows everything about everything, even taught himself how to read Japanese. Keep in mind said character raised himself in a post-apocalyptic hellhole from the time he was nine years old. I mean, come on! The world as we know it has ended, death and destruction and scary mutants are everywhere. And you want me to believe some little kid who is taking care of himself is like "Gee, I sure miss everything. I think I'll teach myself how to read Japanese because it might actually come in handy some day. You know, since Japanese, above all other languages, is the one I'm most-likely going to need to know how to read." No! I don't buy it. Orphan boy be learning how to fend for himself in a cruel every-mutant-for-himself world, not teaching himself how to read Japanese OR study nanotechnology in-depth.
And at no point during this book does the reader learn how our world got from how things are currently to some crazy-go-nuts über-religious society that shuns modern feminism in favor of some brand of not-feminist feminism and eventually blows itself to high hell. This bugs me.
If I were to be completely honest, for whatever reason I couldn't stop thinking about one of my favorite children's books of all time while I was reading Pure. It's called Everyone is Different written by Strong Bad. If you don't know what book I'm talking about go read it, I'll wait right here.
Are you done? Great book, right?
Anyway, Pure is pretty much the same as Everyone is Different. I mean, you know, basically. Maybe there isn't any squirrel-handedness going on in Pure but there sure is a lot of doll-head-handedness and bird-backedness going on. Instead of characters being fangoriously devoured by a gelatinous beast there's a lot of characters being fangoriously devoured by dust-beasts and other such mutants. There are weird names, like Partridge and Pressia and El Capitan. Some characters are tall and merciless. Some characters are about to be hit by cars, and other characters who have rigged the "enemy base" with explosives. There may even be a point in which no two characters are NOT on fire.
I wish I could give this book four or five stars, but I can't. That said, I still do like it and I'm going to recommend it to anyone looking for a disgusting post-apocalyptic read. Three stars.
***Warning: this review contains spoilers for Feed***
I really don't know what I can say about this book besides how disappointed and frustrated it le***Warning: this review contains spoilers for Feed***
I really don't know what I can say about this book besides how disappointed and frustrated it left me. Not that I was expecting something incredible mind you. I mean, it's not like Feed left me begging for more so I have no idea why I gave Deadline the time of day.
Actually I do know. I'm not too bright. I was going to purchase The Demon's Surrender on Tuesday June 14th, because that's when it was released, but for whatever reason the audiobook was not available for sale at audible. So I wasted a precious audible credit on this ridiculously long piece of trash. How long is this audiobook you ask? 15+ hours.
Yes, more than 15 hours of what amounts to a really long episode of The Incredible Hulk, featuring zombies and the magical world of news blogging. Except to make things extra fun The HulkBruce Banner Shaun, our main character, has his dead sister's voice stuck in his head running commentary on everything he does. And he talks back to that voice. Vocally. Like, all the time no matter who is around.
When people encounter Shaun's strange behavior and make the mistake of asking if he's feeling okay, Bruce Shaun looses his crap and 'splodes out of his clothes in a fit of rage, turns green and goes on a punching spree. And he's all 'HULK MAD! HULK SMASH! HULK KILL!' starts acting like a massive douche-canoe--like, way more douche-y than he usually acts--and threatens to punch the crap out of whoever has the nerve to ask him about the state of his mental health.
That wouldn't be such worrisome behavior if he were some crazy urine-soaked hobo who lives out of a refrigerator box. But see, Shaun is the head blogger at popular news blog he and his (dead) sister started a few years before. He has a ton of employees all over the world.
Mr Crazy Pants is in charge. Really. And that's where my first issue with Deadline springs up.
Who in their right mind would put up with that crap? The answer is no one. Not even people who are supposedly friends with said crazy person. Especially when that person has not contributed ANYTHING worthwhile to the blog in over a year. A person who doesn't even make any real decisions anymore. A person who does little more than show up and carry on conversations with the dead sister living in his head himself and threaten to punch people, occasionally carrying out those threats, breaking noses in the process.
We're supposed to believe that his employees are that loyal and/or so stupid they'd be willing to stick around and take that sort of abuse. Bloggers who are at the top of their fields and could go to a number of other news blogs or easily start their own.
One could argue that he just lost his sister and his friends/employees are just really patient and understanding, but here's the deal: his sister died a year prior to the events in Deadline. Plus, they live in a world where zombies run free. Every last one of them have lost close friends and loved ones yet none of them act like Shaun.
So...what makes Shaun so special?
Nothing. He's not special. Which is why I grew weary of this book almost from the get go. But I kept reading because I thought Shaun was going to calm down and pull his act together. Don't want to be all spoiler-y but it needs to be said: that never happens. In fact his behavior worsens yet NO ONE takes a cattle prod to his crazy ass; no one throws him to the zombies just so they can get rid of their little "Debbie Downer".
There is a whole lot of other stuff that happens which, I'm sorry, doesn't really matter because (view spoiler)[Grant decides to pretty much undo something HUGE that goes down in the first book. (view spoiler)[ George is magically alive at the end of the book. That happens. Really. (view spoiler)[The author pulls the cloning card, and a piss-poor job she does with the whole cloning thing if you ask me. Why? (view spoiler)[Because everyone knows cloning doesn't work that way. (view spoiler)[ Clones don't retain the original's memories. Sometimes they don't even look exactly like the original (hide spoiler)] And no, I don't think it's cool to just pretend it does for the sake of the story. Grant went out of her way to create the whole back story to Kellis-Amberlee, correct? So why is it so difficult for her to think up a semi-feasible reason as to why George is magically alive? The whole thing comes off a little too Resident Evil if you ask me, and no, that isn't a compliment (hide spoiler)](hide spoiler)](hide spoiler)](hide spoiler)]. To be honest, I feel there is little of importance that goes down in this book. It's all a bunch of happenings that don't amount to anything in the end. If you've read Deadline and you don't agree with me, that's cool. Just do me a favor and ask yourself this: what, if anything, happened in this book that wasn't made so completely pointless by the way the book ended? I bet your answer is along the lines of 'nothing'.
And then there's the plot holes. So many plot holes. Gigantic ones. One in particular that is so infeasible, so massive you sort of want to write Mira Grant hate mail while reading it. Or maybe that's just me.
Speaking of holes, am I the only one that thinks the answer to the zombie problem, should a zombie apocalypse ever occur, is the Grand Canyon? I mean, it's a massive hole in the ground, right? All we'd have to do is round up and herd all the zombies to the Grand Canyon. We could walk them in at ground level and then brick them in, or just let them walk over the cliffs (this option is rather inhumane but, hey, it's flesh-eating, disease-carrying zombies we're talking about not adorable puppies and kitties). I'm also willing to consider using Carlsbad Caverns, as it is also a massive hole in the ground and I'm not a huge fan of New Mexico.
Don't even get me started about Shaun's (not at all thought out) motorcycle ride of karma from zombie hell. I'm sorry but who is that stupid? Why would anyone let anyone else ride a motorcycle into a place so insanely infested with zombies? I kept wondering why they couldn't strap that thing to the back of the van, or, I don't know, LEAVE IT BEHIND. Hell, even if there really wasn't room left inside the van, Shaun could have easily strapped himself to the roof, or (call me crazy) strap some of their equipment to the roof of the van in order to make room for him. Either way, he would have been safer.
One last thing: (view spoiler)[I was so totally right about the incest thing. I knew George and Shaun were too close to not be sleeping together. And no, I don't think that Grant is so edgy by going that route. If anything Grant is all about cop-outs. The incest was a cop-out and so was the cloning of a dead character. (hide spoiler)]
I will not be reading the third book in this series. One-and-a-half stars.
Okay, I'm completely in the minority with this one. Pretty much everyone and their family loves this book. I, unfortunately, do not. And at this time Okay, I'm completely in the minority with this one. Pretty much everyone and their family loves this book. I, unfortunately, do not. And at this time I'm not capable of writing a fair and thorough review about Hallowed because just thinking about it still makes me ill, as if I'm recovering from food poisoning after eating at my absolute favorite restaurant. The whole thing just makes me so sad and disgusted. That said, I do feel, for the most part, Cynthia Hand ended this book the way it needed to end. Anything else, given the circumstances, would have been completely wrong.
And I need to give Hand credit for writing something that made me, the reader, feel like I was going through the worst break up ever. Like my soul was ripped to shreds in the slowest, most torturous way possible--look, I felt like I had a car resting on my chest when (view spoiler)[Clara drives away from her last date with Tucker, wanting to turn back but not doing it because that would have been wrong. By the way, how great is Tucker? He loved her so much he let her go. In his situation that was so much more difficult than fighting for her. (hide spoiler)]. I had difficulty breathing and I wanted to cry but couldn't. I mean, (view spoiler)[ 'Tucker & Clara' is only YA PNR pairing I've ever believed in. Cynthia Hand wrote their relationship so well in Unearthly I would have been fine if they eventually got married. They just seemed so right for one another, so solid, so genuinely in love. So...yeah...I'm ridiculously angry over how things ended between them, but I'm also glad because, all things considered, it had to happen.
Having said all that, I hope Christian dies like a stupidly long, drawn out, merciless, torturous death. I really mean that, and it's okay because he's a fictional character. A fictional character whose entire existence ruined the only good thing YA PNR had going for it. (hide spoiler)]
Someday I will write an in-depth review of Hallowed in which I will go into Cynthia Hand's brand of angel lore and what not. But today is not that day. Today I'm still feeling a whole lot of Hatred with an extra serving of Bitter on the side. 2.7 stars*.
* Star-rating subject to change at reviewer's whim.
----
The 'day after' reaction to this book: I'm going to have to think about this one for a while. Hallowed is well written, that's undeniable, but it makes me really uncomfortable in the sense that had it really been playing out in front of my eyes I'd have to stop watching. I had to put this down several times. At one point I started skimming (something I never do) just to get the whole nightmare over with.
Hallowed is such a depressing follow up to Unearthly. ...more
You're not Joss Whedon. You'll never be Joss Whedon and/or J.K. Rowling, so do yourself (and everyone else) a favor: stop trying.
Yours Truly, Someone Who Deserves Their Money Back (A.K.A. Everyone Who Bought a Copy of City of Fallen Angels)
P.S. What were you thinking?
P.P.S. No seriously, what were you thinking when you decided to revive this series? Were you thinking at all? Fair question given the circumstances. Why couldn't you just leave well enough alone? Are you controlled by greed? Just curious.
P.P.P.S. I hope you enjoy swimming in your money bin filled with all that ill-gotten wealth.
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The first thing I did upon finishing City of Fallen Angels: *Headdesk*
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I brought this misery upon myself. To that I say: I agree with you, wholeheartedly. You're probably also wondering why I expected a different outcome then the one I got. I've spent the morning wondering that exact same thing. So far I've come up with a handful of explanations, none of which are backed with much reason.
***SECRET SHAME ALERT!!!*** What can I say? I'm that person. You know, that pathetic moron who spends way too much time and energy believing in other people, even the ones who've done nothing but let me down in the past. In my defense I love seeing people live up to their potential.
Yes, I actually believe Cassandra Clare has potential. (Now over half my friends and followers have lost all respect for me.) Or at least I did feel that way until I picked up this book. Now I don't know exactly how I feel about her. Before anyone unfriends me, please lemme 'splain.
There are brief moments, between all the stolen storylines, ill-conceived plotting, melodrama and so-forth, in which I'm able to see that Cassandra Clare does have something unique and interesting to bring to the table. Even a few moments of--dare I say--complete brilliance that, had Ms Clare expanded on, could have gone somewhere great. Unfortunately I don't think Ms Clare knows that about herself so she spends most of her time lifting ideas from other people's work, pasting it together and trying to pass it off as her own.
Either that or she really wishes she was Joss Whedon. And really, who could blame her? I wanna be Joss Whedon too--that way I could know all the ins and outs of the Firefly universe, but I digress. She failed at channeling Joss Whedon's brilliance though it is evident that she tried.
Long story short: this book was like a slap in the face given to me by none other then a very smug Cassandra Clare. Serves me right for being dumb enough to believe in her, amirite?
In-depth review to come.
---
Initial reaction to the new cover to this book: Can I just say how irritated I am that Clary and Jace are pretty much front and center in this book? Clary is even on the freaking cover. I thought this story was going to focus on Simon, so what's with the return of The Jace & Clary Quasi-Incest Show? I just don't care about them anymore and I desperately wish they'd just go away. Forever.
I know I'm going to read this only to wish I hadn't. Why? Because I can't stay away from these stupid books. Kill me.
Who is publishing these horribly written YA novels? Who? (every publisher, ever) And more importantly, why? (for tons of cash)
First off, I didn't finWho is publishing these horribly written YA novels? Who? (every publisher, ever) And more importantly, why? (for tons of cash)
First off, I didn't finish this book. I couldn't finish this book. I couldn't get 1/4 of the way through, even though I have the audiobook. Actually not only is this book boring as hell but the audiobook was poorly cast (more on that later). This is another book I picked up because of the pretty cover. *kicking self, a lot*
I have to admit the premise sounded interesting--not long before this book crossed my path I'd finished reading Blood and Chocolate, which is, overall, somewhat enjoyable even if it is a little weird--so I just had to read it. But guess what? Not an interesting story. Not even kind of.
The coupling in this book? Bizarre. Boring--I mean, really boring.
Sam doesn't think like a guy. Not even a little. Sam thinks like a woman. A really boring older woman. No guy throws on a puffy coat and thinks "I look like a blimp in this thing." No heterosexual guy. No way. Not ever. I can't help but wonder if Sam ever gets around to asking Grace if his pants make his butt look fat. But I digress.
Grace is Boring. Not only that but she's also insipid, and irritating. Did I mention mind-numbingly boring? So just to review: Grace: She's Bella Swan's evil, but oh-so-very-boring twin.
And the character named Isabella (I think that's her name), that, like, pisses herself? WTF??? WHY? Seriously, WHY? It's because of the pissing scene that I stopped paying attention to the audio book. Sure, every once in a while I caught snippets of the story. But none of it was interesting. So eventually I turned it off and cursed Audible for having a no return policy--sure, it totally makes sense. But still.
Tangent: Look, I wasted one of my audible credits on this piece of trash. I can't resell it, or even trade it for something better. I'm pissed.
Speaking of the audio book: like I said earlier it was horribly cast. The female narrator sounds like a fourteen-year-old girl. And the male narrator sounds like my old elementary school gym coach. The one that sorta looked like a child molester--you know what I'm talking about, everyone had a coach like that. Everyone.
Needless to say, the audio book gave me heebies from the get go. I couldn't help but picture some ninth grade girl--because, like I said, she sounds quite young--flirting with her disgusting teacher (who has a mustache and wears tiny gym shorts). I'm still traumatized.
So yeah, I advise you don't read this book. And definitely don't buy the audio book. If you do, don't say I didn't warn you.
**spoiler alert** I wanted to love this book; to read it over and over until my head exploded. I tried to love it, even after page 360, and my complet**spoiler alert** I wanted to love this book; to read it over and over until my head exploded. I tried to love it, even after page 360, and my complete disappointment of Jacob imprinting--on Bella’s mutant baby, no less. But I kept reading because I just knew that Stephenie was going to make it up to me.
The more I read the more difficult it became for me to finish. I am ashamed to say I endured the torture ‘til the bitter end--and, oh, was it bitter! Or rather, so sickeningly sweet it caused me to throw up in my mouth a little. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about happy endings but not at the expense of a good plot.
Breaking Dawn could have been a pretty good ending to an okay series. To say I am disappointed with this book doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. In all honesty, this book ruined the entire series for me. I no longer have the desire to pick up any of the other books--which I quite liked at one time. There is no way I could read them again now that I know the ending is so ridonculous (rE-D'on-kU-lus; Adjective, used when the word ridiculous just isn't enough).
This book started off okay, with Bella angst-ing about having to drive a flashy car and getting married at such a young age--Classic Bella, am I right? But after the wedding and even the majority of the honeymoon, things went downhill. Bella, pregnant? Really? But, I was willing to forgive that particular plot twist even though it defied Mrs. Meyers canon about vampires. And she never said it wasn’t possible for a human to get pregnant after having sex with a vampire, so I simply shrugged my shoulders went with it.
I’ll admit that I liked the Jacob chapters, despite the fact that Edward offers Bella to Jacob so long as Jacob can convince Bella to abort the abomination that they’ve created with Edwards magical vampire sperm--Edward was watching his 'true love' die and it was torturing him, so of course he lost touch with reality. Totally understandable (although completely icky as well) so I hand-waved that. Forgave it. I started getting aggravated when Bella was totally drawing Jacob back in (unbeknownst to us, the readers, it’s only because she’s pregnant with his future bride. More about that atrocity later) and setting him up for more heartbreak--classic selfish Bella that we love to hate.
I really hoped that Jacob would find the ability to move past his love of Bella on his own. I don’t know about anyone else but I am getting sick of the I-cannot-live-without-you kind of “love” (more like freaky obsession) that has been going on in these novels. It is actually possible to heal from a broken heart and, you know, MOVE ON!
It seemed as though Stephenie was going to have that happen, that Leah and Jacob might deepen their friendship and discover that they actually care for each other. But that would erase Jacob from Bella’s life and we couldn’t have that. No--Jacob gets to imprint on the abomination that is Renesmee. Lucky him! Now Jacob doesn’t actually have to work to heal his broken heart. Oh, and of course, lucky Bella for not actually having to sacrifice anything. Three books full chalk full of Bella's fears, about having to give up all her human relationships, was really all for not (I hate you Bella Swan-Cullen. And I really hate Little Brown Books for screwing me out of all that money).
Now on to the delivery of Renesmee: WOW, talk about a joyous occasion! What with Bella vomiting a--I kid you not--'fountain of blood'; the breaking of bones (Bella's back was snapped); the c-section preformed with Edwards mouth (yes, I just said MOUTH); little Renesmee--who, creepily enough, is actually born with a full set of teeth--gives new meaning to the words 'breast feeding', and mama flat lining after all was said and done. It really is too bad they didn’t get the whole thing on film.
Renesmee, hmmm…where to start? I’m not even going to touch the subject of her name with a ten-foot-pole. I’m just going to say that the way she’s described in the novel sounds more like the Bride of Chucky instead of some super cute baby. All the rapid growing, blood drinking and mind-melding was in no way endearing, it was weird.
Considering that the romance was non-existent in the last 3/4 of this novel, it totally lacked in cute Bella and Edward moments. All we got was not-sexy, kinky, tantric, vampire sex that had the potential to go for days, or even weeks (yes, Bella actually thinks about that being a possibility). YIKES AND...JUST YIKES!
Isn't it just super great that Bella gets to keep Charlie in her life? It proves that you really can have your (disgusting blood) cake and eat it too. I love that the sheriff in town doesn't even want to know anything about the vampires in town--unless, of course, it is entirely necessary. Which, I'm sorry but when a huge group of vampires descend on the area 'round about, I'd say that's a need to know basis. But does anyone tell Charlie? No. Apparently ignorance really is bliss.
Oh, and I loved how Renee, Bella's mom, just disappeared into obscurity. She didn't even call when Bella was supposedly in lockdown with some deadly Brazilian disease. Seriously though, when did Renee go from being the overbearing mother who would FREAK OUT about not hearing from Bella every day, to one who couldn't care less what the crap happened to her?
The epic battle was more like an epic failure. The whole book was building up to the fight in the woods and then nothing happened. Talk about anti-climatic. I found that I was just as disappointed as the Romanian vampires were. The only casualty was Irina and it's not like she was important enough to be broken up over.
Despite the fact that I am a huge Jacob fan, I would have been okay with him dying to protect the little monster he'd imprinted on. I mean, JK Rowling killed DUMBLEDORE for crying out loud. Stephenie could have killed just ONE of her precious characters. By doing so, she would have been able to breathe some life into this flaming pile of garbage.
And it seemed to me that by avoiding a fight the Cullens just woke a sleeping giant. Based on the conversation they were having after the "battle" it seems to me that they knew the Volturi were going to come back and attempt pick them off one-by-one. Wow, talk about a victory! But why worry when Bella has mad vampire skillz? Am I right?
Worst line from this book: "Goodbye, Jacob, my brother... my son." *dry-heave* *shutter* *cringe* *shutter*
The last few pages when Bella lifted her "shield" for Edward, so he could read her mind, wasn't all that bad. I kind of liked that part, to tell you the truth. I also liked learning more about Leah Clearwater (in the Jacob chapters). In all honesty, it was the rest of the book that was full of fail.
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