Hamlet’s situation is so totally relatable.* Just imagine if you were an overseas student and you got the terrible news that your dad died suddenly. AHamlet’s situation is so totally relatable.* Just imagine if you were an overseas student and you got the terrible news that your dad died suddenly. And because of Corona travel restrictions it’s a couple of months before you can get back home. When you get there you find that your dear mother has already remarried! WFT right? And she’s married your father’s brother! And she’s in this tacky loved-up shagtastic cloud of bliss, canoodling with this nasty uncle at every opportunity! Eww, gross! Public displays of affection! Please, mama, not in front of the children! And before your dad was cold in his coffin! Mama, how could you! What a skeeve!
Then there’s this other thing. Your dad was King of Denmark. I probably should have mentioned that. So you kind of assumed that now he’s dead and you’re his only son you’ll be the new King, but nope. Think again kiddo. This weaselly uncle not only married your moms but convinced everyone that HE should be King, because do you really want some dope smoking radical layabout student as your King people? Of course not.**
Then there’s this third thing, that happens when you get back to the castle. Your dad’s GHOST appears! I mean, who believes in ghosts anymore, but damn, there it is! Walking and talking! And sort of glowing all over, like the kids in adverts who eat a particular kind of soup. And the things it says! It’s come from the land of shade to throw some shade, so to speak. Naturally it’s more than a little disgusted by your dear mama’s newfound hot milfness, but it’s got more than that to moan and rattle about. It says that in spite of what you may have heard, it was no heart attack at all, this brother of his poisoned his ear! That’s what killed him! Ear poison! It was murder.
This being the Olden Days, there was not so much in the way of forensics available, so it does not occur to Hamlet to get his dad’s body exhumed and demand a toxicology report, and anyway, who would have taken him seriously? But the Ghost, having imparted this informational overload, adds another turn of the screw – you, my son, must take revenge! Expose him as a murdering scumbag and then chop off his goolies or whatever, you’ll think of something. Oh and don’t upset your mother when you kill her new husband. That wouldn’t be nice.
And with that, the cock croweth thrice and the wraith begones.
Poor Hamlet – what’s he supposed to do?*** He tells himself Claudius “hath killed my King and whored my mother” but like he can’t just saunter in to the throne room and stab King Claudius. Feathers would be ruffled. He might get arrested! The cops would probably not be saying “Oh, a GHOST told you to stab the king, did it? Well, then, that’s okay – all charges dropped.” No – this thing has to be thought through. I mean, maybe the ghost wasn’t real. I mean, ghosts? Really? Could might it have been those mushrooms you ate? Or maybe it was a demon pretending to be your dad – they do that sometimes.
So you have to find a way of figuring out if it was a murder, and if this uncle did it, and meanwhile Claudius is trying to figure out if you’ve figured out that it was murder, and if so, what are you going to do about it.
So that’s the setup, and as I say, I think everyone can relate to this tough situation that Hamlet finds himself in. Fact is, it doesn’t turn out so well. No spoiler, I think it’s well known.
NOTES
*As opposed to like King Lear. So who cares if some rich guy transfers all his property to his kids probably to avoid tax like they do. I don’t care about that. Do you?
**Hamlet has got his uncle’s number : A cutpurse of the empire and the rule, that from a shelf the precious diadem stole and put it in his pocket.
***The Ghost is really not helpful, it just says “howsomever thou pursues this act”. Really, Ghost, Give the poor kid a hint....more
Writing in 1935, our author says that modern audiences are always going to have a problem with Hamlet, because of the Ghost. Other ghosts in ShakespeaWriting in 1935, our author says that modern audiences are always going to have a problem with Hamlet, because of the Ghost. Other ghosts in Shakespeare can be read as the products of fevered imaginations, like the appearance of the dead Banquo to Macbeth. Only he sees Banquo’s ghost, and the other dinner guests think Macbeth’s gone off his trolley. But the ghost of Hamlet’s father is REAL, objective, a thing which can be conversed with, observed by several persons. You have to accept its reality, or the play falls to pieces, and that gives modern non-ghost-believing types a problem.
Other ghost related problems follow :
1) Where does the ghost come from – heaven, hell, or purgatory? Hamlet is constantly trying to figure this out.
2) Hamlet speaks with his father’s ghost but then in a later scene refers to the afterlife as
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn No traveller returns
So isn’t that a contradiction? Some kind of Shakespearian muddle?
3) What on earth is going on in the cellarage scene where the ghost speaks from below the stage and Hamlet refers to him as “old mole” (not a very dignified way to address his father’s ghost)?
4) Why does Hamlet think he has to test the truth of the ghost’s story with the Mousetrap play within a play when he’s already said he believes the ghost speaks the truth about the murder?
5) Why does the ghost appear in the bedroom scene and why can Gertrude neither hear nor see him?
These are excellent questions and John Dover Wilson thinks most of them can be answered by reference to Elizabethan beliefs about ghosts and also by the complex religious situation of 1602, when Protestants who didn’t believe in ghosts were chucking out Catholics who did. It turns out that the ghost is a Catholic but Hamlet is a Protestant!
Well, as far as I know they don’t write compellingly readable books about Shakespeare any more, it’s all now in the hands of incomprehensible theoreticians. And no traveller ever returns to tell the tale from the land of theory....more
A greasy spoon café on a Blasted Heath. Three Witches at a Table.
First Witch : It’s not warm, though, is it?
Second Witch : CoAct One. Scene Minus One.
A greasy spoon café on a Blasted Heath. Three Witches at a Table.
First Witch : It’s not warm, though, is it?
Second Witch : Cold it be and warm it bain’t – This café could do with a coat of paint
Third Witch : I wish you wouldn’t do that all the time.
Second Witch : (To Waiter) Excuse me – what’s the soup of the day?
Waiter: Scotch broth.
Second Witch : What’s in it?
Waiter : Toad, that under cold stone Days and nights has thirty-one Swelter'd venom sleeping got, Fillet of a fenny snake, Eye of newt and toe of frog, Wool of bat and tongue of dog, Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting, Lizard's leg and owlet's wing, Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf, Witches' mummy, maw and gulf Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark, Root of hemlock digg'd i' the dark, Gall of goat, and slips of yew Silver'd in the moon's eclipse, Nose of Turk and Tartar's lips, Finger of birth-strangled babe Ditch-deliver'd by a drab.
Second Witch : I’ll just have the salad then.
First Witch : Now listen – we know what we’re going to say when we meet Macbeth and Banquo tomorrow but what if we run in to King Duncan?
Third Witch : Okay, what about this – King thou be but not for long Alas, O Dunc, it’s all gone wrong
First Witch : Wait – how about – You may be king but listen mate We are the hags who know your fate If you knew what we know Macbeth you’d hate And by the way you should lose some weight
Second Witch : Yes, good! I hear they call him Dunkin’ Duncan at the palace.
Third Witch : What about if we run into Lady Macbeth?
First Witch : Well, she won’t be wandering round the battlefield will she? That’s not logical.
Third Witch : But sister weird and sister dear This is a play by W Shakespeare Great poet, philosopher and teacher Logic ain’t the overriding feature
Second Witch : I’m going to do this one tomorrow – Hover through fog and filthy hair-
Third Witch : Hair? You should change that to air.
First Witch : The night draws on so must we run But there’s time for some tea and an iced* bun
Here is an excellent and fun archaelogical story. They just found Richard III. He was under a municipal car park. People had been parking their Renaul
Here is an excellent and fun archaelogical story. They just found Richard III. He was under a municipal car park. People had been parking their Renault Clios and Ford Fiestas on top of him for years. Now, we last saw Richard being killed in Shakespeare at the Battle of Bosworth Field in 1485 :
SCENE V. Another part of the field. Alarum. Enter KING RICHARD III and RICHMOND; they fight. KING RICHARD III is slain.
After that, allegedly, the body was dragged into Leicester (25 miles south of Nottingham), hung up for the amusement of passers-by for a few days, then buried in the choir of Greyfriars Abbey. 51 years later, the abbey was destroyed by Henry VIII. Richard's grave vanished. No one gave a monkey's about it. They couldn't care less. People forgot where the Greyfriars Abbey even was. They mystery of the King's whereabouts remained – until today!
Enter stage left PHILIPPA LANGLEY, member of the Richard III Society and archaeologist at Leicester University.
[image]
She was the one who got a bee in her bonnet about it. She identified the car park as the area where the choir used to be. She did the convincing. Last August they started digging, this was all funded by the harmless cranks of the Richard III Society.
[image]
A couple of weeks later they had uncovered the foundations of the abbey and two human skeletons, one of which was complete. The skull showed a major head wound. The spine was crooked. There was an arrowhead in the spine.
DNA tests were done, radio carbon tests were done, and today they announced it's him.
[image]
[image]
Give me a bowl of wine: I have not that alacrity of spirit, Nor cheer of mind, that I was wont to have.
JANE EYRE (dressed in full armour, with beard, and speaking in a ridiculous gruff voice)
Now, Wroll up, roll up
CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH
JANE EYRE VS HAMLET
JANE EYRE (dressed in full armour, with beard, and speaking in a ridiculous gruff voice)
Now, Wamlet, hear: 'Tis given out that, sleeping in my worchard, A serpent stung me; so the whole wombat of Denmark Is by a forged process of my death Wankly abused: but know, thou noble youth, The serpent that did sting thy father's life Now wears his cwown.
[The Governessator is toying with the credulous Prince.]
HAMLET O my prophetic soul! My uncle!
JANE EYRE : Ay, that incestuous, that adulterate beast, With witchcraft of his wit, with woeful wifts,-- O wicked wit and wilts, won to his whameful wust The will of my most weeming-wirtuous queen
(JANE begins to giggle)
O Wamlet, what a walling-off was where!
(HAMLET is looking bewildered, dismayed – is this how spirits talk?)
Closer, boy!
(HAMLET draws nearer)
But yet closer!
(As HAMLET steps closer to his father's GHOST, Jane draws back her basket-hilted mortuary sword, whirls it through the air, and with a mild thwip!! and a spray of bright blood Hamlet's head leaves his body in a graceful parabola, like the final lemming from a clifftop. No need for Acts Two, Three, Four or Five now. )
JANE (dripping, taking off the helmet and fake beard) : It's getting too fucking easy.
The Skinhead Hamlet - Shakespeare's play translated into modern English. By Richard Curtis. Yes, that Richard Curtis!
Note : those offended by the F wThe Skinhead Hamlet - Shakespeare's play translated into modern English. By Richard Curtis. Yes, that Richard Curtis!
Note : those offended by the F word - LOOK AWAY NOW! And Georgia, if you've stumbled on this review by your funny old dad - this is ANOTHER Paul Bryant. Not me!
*********
ACT I SCENE I The Battlements of Elsinore Castle.
[Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST:]
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was fucked!
[Exit GHOST:]
HAMLET: O Fuck.
[Exit HAMLET:]
SCENE II The Throneroom.
[Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT:]
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?
[Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT:]
HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.
[Enter HORATIO:]
HORATIO: Oi! Watcha cock!
HAMLET: Weeeeey!
[Exeunt:]
SCENE III Ophelia's Bedroom.
[Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES:]
LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.
[Exeunt:]
SCENE IV The Battlements.
[Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.:]
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!
HAMLET: Fuck me!
[Exeunt.:]
ACT II SCENE I A corridor in the castle.
[Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.:]
POLONIUS: Oi! You!
HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!
[Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANZ and GUILDENSTERN.:]
ROS & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!
[Exit ROS & GUILD.:]
HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.
[Enter OPHELIA.:]
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!
[They exit in different directions.:]
ACT III SCENE I The Throne Room.
[Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.:]
FIRST PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
[Exeunt.:]
SCENE II Gertrude's Bedchamber.
[Enter GERTRUDE and POLONIUS, who hides behind an arras.:]
[Enter HAMLET.:]
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
POLONIUS: (From behind the curtain) Too right.
HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?
[He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.:]
POLONIUS: Fuck!
[POLONIUS dies.:]
HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
[Exeunt.:]
ACT IV SCENE I A Court Room.
[Enter HAMLET, CLAUDIUS.:]
CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
SCENE II The Throne Room.
[Enter OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.:]
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
[She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.:]
CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window.) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
[Exeunt.:]
SCENE III A Corridor.
[Enter LAERTES.:]
LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.
[Enter CLAUDIUS.:]
CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, fuck him.
[Exeunt.:]
ACT V SCENE I Hamlet's Bedchamber.
[Enter HAMLET and HORATIO.:]
HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
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