Paul Bryant's Reviews > Encyclopedia of Bad Taste

Not unless you count nudism in the shower.

R

No, it's only nudism if you do the vacuuming or greet the postman in an unclothed state.

Vacuuming? People do vacuuming?

Enormous breasts? Where?

And, no, man boobs don't count. No hairy flab-sacs.

People with vacuums (often called hoovers) do indeed do vacuuming. And those people are often nudists. The two go together. Hairy flab-sacs don't count, although that's a phrase I will be stealing and repulsing my friends with. Do fingernail extremists go bowling? In the nude? Having driven there in a death car? This could go on...

As an American I will hereby admit to the following:

Boudoir photography
Bowling
Breasts, enormous
Meat snack foods
Reclining chairs

I will not, however, admit to the following:

nudism

and no one can make me.

What the hell is a meat snack?

R

"Modern Americans buy meat snack food in shrink-fit plastic packages at the convenience store. They call the snacks Slim Jim, Chubby Sausage, the Big Jerk — manufacturers' words for sorbitol, sodium erythorbate, sodium nitrite, hydrolyzed vegetable protein, monosodium glutamate, corn syrup, and lactic acid starter culture combined with chunked, ground, and formed beef and mechanically deboned poultry. The term "meat snack," like "cheese food" and "creme filling," is food-industry poetry, used to evoke thoughts of meat (or cheese or cream) about products that contain little or none of the substance in question."

::::applauds Paul's poetic description of meat food:::::

::::eats some more pepperoni meat stick:::::

when I was a child I ate Cool Whip while visiting a Dinosaur Park in my Happy Face t-shirt. Later, we made panty-hose crafts at home on our shag rug while sitting underneath the velvet painting of rainbows and unicorns.

Really I think this explains a lot about me, don't you?

Excuse me, but, I blame Mime on the French.

In Britain a shag rug is a toupee a certain type of gentlemen wears when out on the pull.

Koe... no no no no no no no no no no no no NO!

just no.

How does a boudoir photo differ from just a photo photo?

"US 41 south of Fort Myers, Florida, offers a throng of malls, mini-malls, and fast-
food franchises to service your every need, plus one place that serves no purpose
other than to bring beauty into the world and make audiences gasp in wonder: Waltzing Waters. Billing itself as "the most elaborate water, music, and light production in the world," Waltzing Waters outdoes all other fountains that
spout in tune to music or are lit with colored lights. In an otherwise ordinary auditorium, six hundred hydraulic spouts are marshaled behind the curtain line on a watertight stage. The lights dim, and a svelte prerecorded voice, teetering on
the edge of breathless hysteria because of the joyful wonderment about to transpire, booms forth from loudspeakers to explain what will happen: "Get ready to tap your feet, as we all get hooked on the classics!"
The voice fades, and the spouts pump massive jets of water high up toward the proscenium. The hundreds of geysers arc, leap, wave, shimmy, and sway in formations as precise as sine waves while colored lights make the patterns glow with rainbow hues. Every nuance of the water's flight is synchronized note by note to passages from familiar classics as as Swan Lake, the 1812 Overture, and "The Ride of the Valkyries." Then come modern favorites, starting with "Stranger in Paradise," all the way up to theme songs from television's "Entertainment Tonight" and "M*A*S*H" (the latter synchronized with water jets that are blood red)
After the classics and TV themes come show
tunes: passages from each and every song in My
Fair Lady. Then the climax: a patriotic medley that salutes America by having the water waltz to a titanic melody composed of fifty—count 'em,
fifty—different musical passages, one for each
state."

As for boudoir photos, I want to see how Mrs K will answer that.

Christ on a Harley Koe... there is just no good reason for that. I'd go to war on my neighbors if I had to live with that. Seriously... that's just asking for it.

I was just kidding about the velvet painting of rainbows and unicorns by the way. It was Elvis.

I have the same xmas decs that you do, K, both inside and out.

But my neighbors have two bronze cranes, pointing like Rockettes toward the balcony across the street.

R

Ha! My education has been greatly enhanced. How is it that I've gone this long without knowing about such a phenomenon?

R

[http://www.boudoirstudio.co.uk/bookin...]

no Christmas decorations?? What are you, Godless communists??

all the romance has gone out of intelligentsia, I swear.

ahhh ha ha ha... for a minute I thought you were giving me your address to come and destroy your neighbor's ghastly decor. aahh ha ha ha ha....

Sheesh, Paul. I was all set to fly to the UK and get our photo done, but I doubt that company would be the one. I see no example photos of a couple of over-70s cavorting about in mismatched pjs.

R

retro boudoir photography:

http://web.mac.com/cdrengsen/iWeb/cur...

No, no, no, Charissa. Not old photos of young people. Young photos of old people.

R

ahhh... i guess i'm a dyslexic nudist.

No jokes about dyslexia please Charissa, it's not clever and it's not furry.

I was shocked to discover that this thread is in bad taste.

You don't have to read it, you could draw comedy moustaches on the faces of your loved ones with your can of aerosol cheese.

Fine, Paul, keep your address then. I can tell by the tone here that you really wouldn't appreciate the thoughtful xmas gift I'd wrapped up and was preparing to send!

Though I will say I think Ruth's idea of a present for you is excellent. We're all a bit tired of your picture, and look forward to seeing it updated in time for the new year.

Sorry, that was a momentary lapse of reason. I will try to gain back your good graces by suggesting a party game for Christmas. Combine two of the bad taste categories for some hilarious results. E.g. - Liberace and... boudoir photography of course. Or, perky nuns and.... meat snack foods! Well i wasn't going to say nudism, that would just be tacky.

Tracy: wait'll you see his boudoir photo.

I think there should be required boudoir photographs for everyone here. It would be a Christmas Miracle.

... Christmas Miracle

It would indeed.

R

Oh by the way Charissa, your new icon - is that.... a boudoir photograph?

lol... it is indeed. just one of thousands in my personal collection. too bad my website is no longer up and running... ya'll could go see me in my birthday suit. But alas... tis a thing of the past.

never heard of the Internet Archive? Apparently that's where all dead websites go... now, what was its name again?

holy crap! I'm still on the internet!!!

okay, well... it doesn't look like any of the full size images are active, so... you can go look:

retromynx.com

my past still haunts the interwaves. that's just wild.

I had a client who did a boudoir photo shoot for her husband as a birthday present. Weird thing was she showed all the pix to me at a meeting in her office. I wonder if she showed them to her co-workers? Her husband was really pleased.

I got this book as a library discard many years ago... I bet someone finally complained about the "Breasts, Enormous" photo (Chesty Morgan, IIRC).

As much as I delight in bad taste, I do not have any of the offending articles in my tastefully appointed house. :)

As much as I delight in bad taste, I do not have any of the offending articles in my tastefully appointed house. :)

No life-sized waxworks of Liberace or Mother Theresa? No pet dolphins?

I'm disappointed to answer that I don't have anything delightfully tacky.

Is Mother Theresa considered to fall in the "perky nun category"? Because I'd always considered her more in the "dour sanctimonious Albanian crone with retrograde views on women's rights" category. And no, I didn't need Christopher Hitchens to arrive at this point of view (though Sinead O' Connor may have had some influence).

But seriously, where does one go to find some perky nuns to cheer up one's home? The artfully placed holograms of the von Trapp family are just not doing it for me any more.

I realize this thread (and the object of the review) is a few years old; still, I'm surprised at the notable omission of vajazzling.

and what do you have against shag rugs, good fibres, good colors, it's perfection

curves are not a bad thing either

I hear Jay Leno likes bagton twirling and dog costumes by the way

And do you know how many snow globes are on fancy pianos?

so they have anything about Macrame Owls?