Dark Humour Quotes

“You will suffer, son of Hades!’
What else is new? Nico thought.”
― Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus

“Being magnanimous in victory usually worked, but to keep abreast of the situation he had to 
pump the girl for all she knew. Was there a pang of remorse for his actions in his mind? 
Possibly, but what choice did he have? If he wanted to survive, he had no room for weakness.”
― Max Nowaz, The Arbitrator

“Ah! You speak Levitan,” the man smiled. “But you’re not from Levita I think.” Like
most Levitians he was a good looking man, if perhaps a bit effete for Brown’s tastes. 
“No, I lived there for a while.” 
“Did you enjoy your stay?”
“Up to a point. The Levitian women are very beautiful.”
“Yes of course. So are the men in Levita,” the man smiled. “We used to have a
cleansing programme to ensure a healthy population.”
“You mean a culling policy, where you killed all the weakest members of the
population.”
― Max Nowaz, The Arbitrator

“He looked at the silver pocketknife in his hand. An idea came to him – possibly the stupidest, craziest idea he’d had since he thought, Hey, I’ll get Percy to swim in the River Styx! He’ll love me for that!”
― Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus

“If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.”
― Neil deGrasse Tyson

“All I said was that I thought it was a judgement from God that Blyth had first lost his leg and then had the replacement become the instrument of his downfall. All because of the rabbits. Eric, who was going through a religious phase at the time which I suppose I was to some extent copying, thought this was a terrible thing to say; God wasn't like that. I said the one I believed in was.”
― Iain Banks, The Wasp Factory

“However, for all his affection and loyalty towards the animal, the dog would soon be leaving him - they would both be present at a celebratory dinner when they reached the roof, he reflected with a touch of gallows-humour, but the poodle would be in the pot.”
― J.G. Ballard, High-Rise

“Congratulations, Huntress. You're officially a murderer. Welcome to the club.”
― Hafsah Faizal, We Hunt the Flame

“No young woman of means has gone through her entire life without at least once surveying her opportunities and wishing for a dragon instead.”
― John Wiswell, Someone You Can Build a Nest In

“My personal theory is that one of you, me, is always faulty, like a toy purchased without the batteries. It is not until you have had time to go out and buy batteries, to put them in, to turn it on, that you realise it doesn't work the way that you wanted. Doesn't match what you hoped for. It never did.

I am a bright, broken thing that he lost the receipt for.”
― Katie Hall-May, Memories of a Lost Thesaurus

“SWAT? For me?" Still trembling, one hand clung to the ambulance gurney, the other held a massive sterilised cotton wool wad under my nose.
"Tactical Support was busy. You got Dennis and Arlo," said Harry, speed-reading the papers he'd snatched from inside my jacket.
Closest his hands had been to my chest in a long time.
"Which one broke my nose?"
"That'd be Dennis.”
― Morana Blue, Gatsby's Smile

“She was damned if she was going to let a little thing like decapitation stand in the way of keeping him.”
― Jane Timm Baxter

“Some Cutting Advice by Stewart Stafford

Before you pick up your knife,
To run your enemy through,
Know the entry wound bleeds red,
And the exit thrust bleeds blue.

Not because they are of noble birth,
But they are protected by a mighty hand,
Not just of those moneyed and influential,
But the mightiest hands in all the land.

So stab with caution, I urge you,
For the blade jabs back in your gut,
Swallow the bile that fuels you so,
Lest it be your throat you cut.

© Stewart Stafford, 2022. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“I have some ideas,’ Krishna said with a twinkle in his eyes that arsonists might have when lighting a torch near a fireworks shop.”
― Gourav Mohanty, Sons of Darkness

“Hey. I’ve got half my lungs, he’s got half his heart. Together, we’d make a fully functional human. I call that a win.”
― Lancali ., I Fell in Love With Hope

“I'm not afraid of flying. Once you get on a plane, you hand your life over to the pilots and hope they know what the hell they're doing. If you reach your destination in one piece, you get your life back, and on you go - Russian Roulette with wings.”
― Stewart Stafford

“Wes slid two more cigarettes out of the pack, offering one to me.

“I don’t smoke.”

“Why not? It gives you superpowers, you know.”

“What? Like cancer?” I said”
― Katie Williams, Absent

“You are slightly stuck with him for...' He makes a face. 'Well, forever.'

'Or until one of us dies,' I joke, but it falls flat...”
― Rebecca Yarros, Fourth Wing

“The darker the humour, the sweeter the story.”
― DON SANTO

“What kind of a horse’s ass wears a fucking Tilley hat when they’re trying to follow someone?”
― Ernest L. Canning, The Bean Sidhe

“She dared to move further into the apartment. She crept closer to the open bathroom door. This Percy fellow was kneeling in the bathtub, fully clothed, hot water cascading over him. He appeared to be praying, as well he should. Percy Augustus Willoughby had had a very bad night, that was evidently true. She watched a second longer, and then crept back to the living room sofa.”
― Ernest L. Canning, The Bean Sidhe

“Her gaze fell upon the bottle sitting on the coffee table directly in front of her. The label declared it to be something called cinnamon whiskey. The bottle was half full. She unscrewed the top, and took a long pull. The fire went directly to her sphincter. Recovery was slow. She couldn’t believe the little man presently busy praying in the bathroom couldn’t hear her gasping for air.

She replaced the cap and studied the bottle’s label. What the hell is cinnamon whiskey anyway? Whoever this little prick is, he is definitely tougher than he looks.”
― Ernest L. Canning, The Bean Sidhe

“Love is one. We love, care & share.”
― Advin Arithro Biswas, LOVE IS FICTION

“I noticed a stuffed spaniel poised by the fireplace with
a yellowed newspaper rolled into its mouth. Madeleine said, "That's Balto. The paper is the LA Times for August 1, 1926. That's the day Daddy learned he' d made his first million. Balto was our pet then. Daddy's accountant called up and said, "Emmett, you're a millionaire!" Daddy was cleaning his pistols, and Balto came in with the paper. Daddy wanted to consecrate the moment, so he shot him. If you look closely, You can see the bullet hole in his chest.”
― James Ellroy, The Black Dahlia

“She was all sarcasm with a tongue that could cut through you faster than a hot knife in butter.”
― S. M. Erickson

“Bloodline by Stewart Stafford

Stuart Richards, 5,001st in line to the British throne,
A distant cousin of the king but hitherto unknown,
He dreamt of the crown and his fair queen's hand,
But there was no baiting the hook unless he had a plan.

He chose to eliminate the competition, stood before him,
Through a dark celebration, they'd never know what hit them,
He sent out invitations to the 5, 000 heirs,
Promising vast feasting, with music and fanfare

He built a fake house front with a door and a sign,
That said: "Welcome to the party. Now, kindly form a line."
Behind the door, there awaited a cliff face and a fall,
A master of deception, his warm smile greeted them all.

He stood at the front door with a charming bow,
And, welcoming each guest, he said: "In you go now!"
He watched them disappear as they stepped through the door,
Counting steps to ascension, lemmings queued up for more.

Backslapping himself, inner cackling at his scheme,
Imagining himself as king - glory rained down, it seemed,
But his Machiavellian plotting had a monstrous flaw,
One thing he'd forgotten that greedy eyes never saw.

The king was still alive, and he was not amused,
He got wind of this plot and responded unconfused,
He sent his guards to arrest him for sedition in a fury,
They swept him off his feet, planting him before a jury.

Put on trial for treason - the verdict was most guilty,
Execution set, he had the neck to beg for mercy,
But the king was not budging and barked: "Off with his head!"
An Axeman's reverse coronation, he joined the fallen dead.

Halting 2,986th in line to the British throne,
A distant cousin of the king, headless spirit flown,
In jealous craving, dispossessed as ruler of the land,
Crowned pride came before a fallen plan.

© Stewart Stafford, 2023. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“An Apple A Day, Keeps Death Away by Stewart Stafford

Death came knocking at my door,
He said he’d come to claim my soul,
I said I wasn’t ready yet,
And asked him for an hour or so.

"Death waits for no man!" it roared,
Adding that my time was up,
The Reaper said we were leaving,
And that I was such a cheeky pup.

I asked if he'd like an apple for the trip,
And gestured to my magic tree,
"Aye," he said, reaching up,
His hand stuck to it, to my glee.

"What trick is this?" Death howled,
"Free me, I demand, this instant!"
"Lift my death sentence first," I said,
"Never! Taking life is a constant!"

"Use your other hand to free yourself."
He tried until both hands became stuck,
"Let me live, and you may go," I said,
"Agreed!" Death vanished. What good luck!

An apple a day keeps Death away,
But in the long run, you'll have to pay,
Unless you have a magic tree -
A new lease on life, briefly.

© Stewart Stafford, 2023. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“-Pablo, sos un mogólico. Te vengo a contar lo que me pasa y me salís con Borges y la concha de su madre.”
― Mariana Enríquez

“PILOTS IN A HURRY SHOULD TAKE CRASH COURSES”
― Lynn Byk, The Fearless Moral Inventory of Elsie Finch

“Did you kill that man?'

Smoothing out the skirts of the gown, I crossed my ankles. 'I believe he slipped and fell upon my blade.'

'Was it his throat that fell upon your blade?'

'Odd, right?'

'Odd, indeed.' Ezra tilted her head to the side as she stared blankly at me. 'That happens quite often around you.'

'Unfortunately,' I arched a brow at my stepsister. 'Men with careless fists should be more mindful of where they step.'

A faint smile appeared on Ezra's face. 'You know, you do frighten me a little.'

I turned to the carriage window as we rolled down the sunny street. 'I know.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember