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Others Like Me: The Lives of Women without Children
The Lives of Women Without Children tells the story of women who don't have children. Part memoir, part exploration of childlessness through candid conversations with other women who found themselves asking the same questions I asked myself, this book is an attempt to showcase the many ways in which people find fulfilment outside of parenthood. And because the social expectation to procreate weighs the most on women, it focuses solely on them, their experiences, and how their womanhood can manifest and bloom outside of motherhood.
"An important, beautiful, self-excavating memoir about female autonomy and joy found in childlessness, told with great tenderness."
Nuala O'Connor, author of SEABORNE
"Deeply felt and deeply researched, books like this will help women decide what is right for them."
Rowan Hisayo Buchanan, author of HARMLESS LIKE YOU
"An important, beautiful, self-excavating memoir about female autonomy and joy found in childlessness, told with great tenderness."
Nuala O'Connor, author of SEABORNE
"Deeply felt and deeply researched, books like this will help women decide what is right for them."
Rowan Hisayo Buchanan, author of HARMLESS LIKE YOU
- GenresNonfiction
352 pages, Hardcover
First published June 13, 2024
About the author
Nicole Louie
1 book37 followersNicole Louie is a writer and translator based in Ireland. A former content strategist and creative writer for virtual assistants, she holds a BA in advertising and postgraduate diplomas in literature and translation. When not writing, she is reading about the lives of women without children. Her essays about not having children have appeared in Oh Reader and Childfree Magazine, and her curated collections of books, movies and podcasts about women who are not mothers by choice, infertility or circumstance can be found on Twitter and Instagram: @bynicolelouie. Others Like Me: The Lives of Women Without Children is her first book.
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
June 28, 2024
I’ve read quite a lot about matrescence and motherhood so far this year, and I value these women authors’ perspectives on their experiences. There is much that resonates with me as I look back to my relationships with my parents and observe how my sister, brother-in-law and friends are raising their children. Yet as I read of the joys and struggles of parenthood, I do sometimes think, what about the rest of us? That’s the question that drove Nicole Louie to write this impassioned book, which combines the strengths of an oral history, a group biography and a fragmented memoir. Like me, she was in search of role models, and found plenty of them – first on the library shelves and then in daily life by interviewing women she encountered through work or via social media.
The 14 Q&As, shaped into first-person narratives, are interspersed with Louie’s own story, creating a chorus of voices advocating for women’s freedom. The particulars of their situations vary widely. A Venezuelan graphic designer with MS doesn’t want to have a baby to try to fill a perceived lack. A blind Canadian writer hopes for children but knows it may be too complicated on her own. A Ghanaian asexual woman confronts her culture’s traditional expectations of woman. A British nurse in her sixties is philosophical about not having a long-term relationship at the right time, and focuses instead on the thousands of people she’s been able to care for.
The subjects come from Iceland, Peru, the Isle of Man; they are undecided, living with illness or disability, longing but unpartnered, or utterly convinced that motherhood is not for them. Their reasons are logical, psychological, personal and/or environmental, and so many of their conclusions rang true for me:
Louie herself has an interesting background: she’s Brazilian but has lived in Sweden, the UK and Ireland. Her work as a copywriter and translator has taken her behind the scenes in training AI. She first had to give serious thought to the question of becoming a mother in 2009, when it became an issue in her first marriage. But, really, she’d known for a long time that it didn’t appeal to her – at age six she was given a doll whose tummy opened to reveal a baby and quickly exchanged that toy for another. A late diagnosis of PCOS and a complicated relationship with her own mother only reinforced a clear conviction.
Other works that I’ve encountered on childlessness, such as Childless Voices by Lorna Gibb and No One Talks about This Stuff: Twenty-Two Stories of Almost Parenthood, ed. Kat Brown, are heavily weighted towards infertility. Here the spotlight is much more on being childfree, although the blurb is inclusive, speaking of “women who are not mothers by choice, infertility, circumstance or ambivalence.” (I love the inclusion of that final word.)
“Motherhood as the epicentre of women’s lives was all I’d ever witnessed” via her mother and grandmother, Louie writes, so finding examples of women living differently was key for her. As readers, then, we have the honour of watching her life, her thinking and the book all take shape simultaneously in the narrative. A lovely point to mention is that Molly Peacock mentored her throughout the composition process.
Intimate and empathetic, Others Like Me is also elegantly structured, with layers of stories that reflect diversity and the intersectionality of challenges. This auto/biographical collage of life without children will be reassuring for many, and a learning opportunity for others. I’m so glad it exists.
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
The 14 Q&As, shaped into first-person narratives, are interspersed with Louie’s own story, creating a chorus of voices advocating for women’s freedom. The particulars of their situations vary widely. A Venezuelan graphic designer with MS doesn’t want to have a baby to try to fill a perceived lack. A blind Canadian writer hopes for children but knows it may be too complicated on her own. A Ghanaian asexual woman confronts her culture’s traditional expectations of woman. A British nurse in her sixties is philosophical about not having a long-term relationship at the right time, and focuses instead on the thousands of people she’s been able to care for.
The subjects come from Iceland, Peru, the Isle of Man; they are undecided, living with illness or disability, longing but unpartnered, or utterly convinced that motherhood is not for them. Their reasons are logical, psychological, personal and/or environmental, and so many of their conclusions rang true for me:
I just want to make the most of what’s here now instead of always having to long for something else I don’t already have.
I have this strong core intent to be useful to society. To channel as much energy into it as I would put into raising two children … You can’t experience everything available to you in life. So you make choices, and you decide which paths to take and which ones to leave behind without trying. And that’s okay. What’s important is to move forward with intent.
Louie herself has an interesting background: she’s Brazilian but has lived in Sweden, the UK and Ireland. Her work as a copywriter and translator has taken her behind the scenes in training AI. She first had to give serious thought to the question of becoming a mother in 2009, when it became an issue in her first marriage. But, really, she’d known for a long time that it didn’t appeal to her – at age six she was given a doll whose tummy opened to reveal a baby and quickly exchanged that toy for another. A late diagnosis of PCOS and a complicated relationship with her own mother only reinforced a clear conviction.
Other works that I’ve encountered on childlessness, such as Childless Voices by Lorna Gibb and No One Talks about This Stuff: Twenty-Two Stories of Almost Parenthood, ed. Kat Brown, are heavily weighted towards infertility. Here the spotlight is much more on being childfree, although the blurb is inclusive, speaking of “women who are not mothers by choice, infertility, circumstance or ambivalence.” (I love the inclusion of that final word.)
“Motherhood as the epicentre of women’s lives was all I’d ever witnessed” via her mother and grandmother, Louie writes, so finding examples of women living differently was key for her. As readers, then, we have the honour of watching her life, her thinking and the book all take shape simultaneously in the narrative. A lovely point to mention is that Molly Peacock mentored her throughout the composition process.
Intimate and empathetic, Others Like Me is also elegantly structured, with layers of stories that reflect diversity and the intersectionality of challenges. This auto/biographical collage of life without children will be reassuring for many, and a learning opportunity for others. I’m so glad it exists.
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
July 18, 2024
This is a thought-provoking read that delves into the author's and other women's personal experiences about choosing a childless life. I was very excited to read it. It was an interesting experience, especially because of the author's Brazilian background, which added a unique perspective to the story.
I've been reading about the child-free movement for a few years now, and I still struggle to connect with others in this group. Most of the situations I've seen involve a disdain for children. But I feel there is more to the decision not to have children than simply not wanting to be a mother or father. It's important to hear from those who have opted not to have children about what influenced their decision, their backgrounds, and their real feelings. Nicole did a great job sharing her point of view, and she brought such interesting women to talk about their experiences.
In so many moments, I caught myself thinking, "Why are we not talking about this enough?". I'd recommend this book to everyone. I just wish there were more of the other characters.
I've been reading about the child-free movement for a few years now, and I still struggle to connect with others in this group. Most of the situations I've seen involve a disdain for children. But I feel there is more to the decision not to have children than simply not wanting to be a mother or father. It's important to hear from those who have opted not to have children about what influenced their decision, their backgrounds, and their real feelings. Nicole did a great job sharing her point of view, and she brought such interesting women to talk about their experiences.
In so many moments, I caught myself thinking, "Why are we not talking about this enough?". I'd recommend this book to everyone. I just wish there were more of the other characters.
July 1, 2024
A love letter not only to childfree and childless people in our world, but also to the power of ideas, stories, and community. Part memoir, part interviews, Others Like Me recounts the author's life story and how she came to interview 14 women around the world to understand their lives, how they came to have no children, and how they find navigate the challenges of living in a pronatal society.
Having recently come out the other side of a short and emotionally intense relationship, I propelled myself into thinking about what I wanted from a future relationship. Perhaps it was my way of healing, but I set time aside and wrote down all my values and goals on a list. For the amount of effort spent, the answers on that page seemed fairly shallow, and disappointingly so. The glaringly obvious out take from it was this: All my life I've held an indifference for the big things sucg as politics, social causes, my career, health, and most importantly: children.
Cultural expectations demand that I find a partner and have children, not for myself though, my parents sense of security and happiness depend on me having kids. It's what I've been told all my life and only now had I given myself the opportunity to consider what I wanted... and it was confusing. I knew that I didn't want children now, and perhaps informed by outdated attitudes, I was deathly afraid of losing myself to a child that required more care and attention than 'normal'. My conditions for love proved to be embarrassingly selfish. So I rationalised that maybe it was best I didn't have children. But even cutting myself off from that path felt like bitter pill to swallow. What if I found someone in which we were both aligned on kids but then one of us changed our positions in the future? Could you ride that out or would resentment slowly build up? I was clearly uneducated and ill-equipped to make a decision.
It's here where I found an article by Nicole Louie on The Guardian. Reading her story of a marriage that dissolved due to one partner deciding they wanted children late into the relationship while the other didn't was exactly what I needed to understand my own thoughts. Upon reaching the end of the article, I was disappointed that this might be the only glimpse I get into the topic. To my relief, the footnotes noted that in only a few days, Nicole's first book on this subject would be released.
While I do wish that more perspectives such as those from neurodiverse backgrounds were covered, I know that this book isn't the 'be all and end all' of my exploration into this topic. Throughout the book, Nicole spotlights many notable female figures without children and shows how their ideas and writings acted as companion, aiding her through tough times and helping her reflect on her own beliefs. Equally, this book has helped to challenge and understand my views of parenthood and I greatly value it for that.
So after finishing the book... do I still want to have kids in the future? Not sure! Whatever happens, I'll be more confident in making a decision having listened to the stories from everyone in this book and knowing more about myself.
EDIT: A correction on my review, the 5th woman interviewed in the book is from a neurodiverse background.
Having recently come out the other side of a short and emotionally intense relationship, I propelled myself into thinking about what I wanted from a future relationship. Perhaps it was my way of healing, but I set time aside and wrote down all my values and goals on a list. For the amount of effort spent, the answers on that page seemed fairly shallow, and disappointingly so. The glaringly obvious out take from it was this: All my life I've held an indifference for the big things sucg as politics, social causes, my career, health, and most importantly: children.
Cultural expectations demand that I find a partner and have children, not for myself though, my parents sense of security and happiness depend on me having kids. It's what I've been told all my life and only now had I given myself the opportunity to consider what I wanted... and it was confusing. I knew that I didn't want children now, and perhaps informed by outdated attitudes, I was deathly afraid of losing myself to a child that required more care and attention than 'normal'. My conditions for love proved to be embarrassingly selfish. So I rationalised that maybe it was best I didn't have children. But even cutting myself off from that path felt like bitter pill to swallow. What if I found someone in which we were both aligned on kids but then one of us changed our positions in the future? Could you ride that out or would resentment slowly build up? I was clearly uneducated and ill-equipped to make a decision.
It's here where I found an article by Nicole Louie on The Guardian. Reading her story of a marriage that dissolved due to one partner deciding they wanted children late into the relationship while the other didn't was exactly what I needed to understand my own thoughts. Upon reaching the end of the article, I was disappointed that this might be the only glimpse I get into the topic. To my relief, the footnotes noted that in only a few days, Nicole's first book on this subject would be released.
While I do wish that more perspectives such as those from neurodiverse backgrounds were covered, I know that this book isn't the 'be all and end all' of my exploration into this topic. Throughout the book, Nicole spotlights many notable female figures without children and shows how their ideas and writings acted as companion, aiding her through tough times and helping her reflect on her own beliefs. Equally, this book has helped to challenge and understand my views of parenthood and I greatly value it for that.
So after finishing the book... do I still want to have kids in the future? Not sure! Whatever happens, I'll be more confident in making a decision having listened to the stories from everyone in this book and knowing more about myself.
EDIT: A correction on my review, the 5th woman interviewed in the book is from a neurodiverse background.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 22, 2024
Unputdownable! Nicole's writing truly shines in this captivating mix of memoir and interviews with other women. As a master storyteller, she skillfully intertwines her personal journey with the perspectives of other women who, like her, are not mothers. Being a non-mother myself, I found solace in Nicole's words and connected with the stories shared by other women. Many of the struggles she faces in a society that often marginalizes those without children resonated deeply with my own experiences. The unfair treatment and discrimination faced by childless women in the workplace, for example, is something I have personally encountered. Nicole approaches these topics with objectivity, compassion, and understanding. She seamlessly weaves in her own family dynamics, generational trauma, and societal pressures , taking us on an incredible journey of self-discovery alongside her . Through her book, she has created a wonderful space where we can feel heard and seen
July 3, 2024
Others Like Me by Nicole Louie doesn't just showcase the stories of incredible childfree women. But it shows us how choosing a childfree life is rarely a one-off decision. Written with vulnerability and authenticity, the highs and lows of Louie's childfree journey have the poignancy of a musical symphony. If childfree is the main theme here, then the complexity of familial relationships is the supporting theme. At times, it felt like I was looking in the mirror, and while this isn't meant to be a self-help book, I have learned from Louie's grace, generosity and bravery. An empowering and comforting read for all women, regardless of their reproductive status
July 20, 2024
Hay pocos libros que se cuenten desde la perspectiva de una mujer que no quiere tener hijos, y que hablen en primera persona, tanto ella como sus entrevistadas. O eso parece, porque Nicole Louie lo cuenta con una ligereza, compromiso y cariño que parece una confesión a viva voz con un café.
A mí el libro me ha transmitido mucho y seguro que a otras personas como nosotras, les pasará lo mismo.
Si estás buscando un libro sobre mujeres sin hijos, esta es una fantástica elección. Y además te proporciona un listado con muchos más.
A mí el libro me ha transmitido mucho y seguro que a otras personas como nosotras, les pasará lo mismo.
Si estás buscando un libro sobre mujeres sin hijos, esta es una fantástica elección. Y además te proporciona un listado con muchos más.
July 9, 2024
Hugely powerful, comforting and inspiring. Wonderful to read the stories of so many women from around the world, compiled with such compassion. You feel like you've come away with a new group of friends. And Nicole's own journey, woven through, is captivating and moving too. For all those who've wondered whether they want children, or struggled with navigating life and society without them - whether by choice or circumstance.
July 24, 2024
An absolutely amazing read! Nicole's writing style is easy to get along with, submerging you in her story. She shares so many vulnerable aspects of her journey contemplating motherhood and the systems in society that are set up to value parents over non-parents. While dissecting the stereotypes forced on childless women, Nicole relays 14 women's stories of childlessness and simultaneously her own.
This is an empathy piece and I loved reading it!
This is an empathy piece and I loved reading it!
July 4, 2024
An insightful, emotional exploration about what it means to be a woman without children (whether it’s at work, in a relationship, within society). Half-memoir about the author’s own journey, it also features testimonies from various childless women that the author has met along the way – often unexpectedly.
If you feel alone in your choice or circumstances, Nicole Louie will show you how opening up to others can help you connect with neighbors, coworkers, friends of friends, who are also part of the 1 in 5 women without kids. It’s a great and gentle reminder of the power of finding a community of “others like me.” A must-read for childless/childfree women, as well as those seeking to better understand the mindset, questions, and thought process of women without children.
If you feel alone in your choice or circumstances, Nicole Louie will show you how opening up to others can help you connect with neighbors, coworkers, friends of friends, who are also part of the 1 in 5 women without kids. It’s a great and gentle reminder of the power of finding a community of “others like me.” A must-read for childless/childfree women, as well as those seeking to better understand the mindset, questions, and thought process of women without children.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews