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Kissing Girls on Shabbat: A Memoir
A moving coming-of-age memoir in the vein of Unorthodox and Brazen , about one young woman’s desperate attempt to protect her children and family while also embracing her queer identity in a controlling Hasidic community.
Growing up in the Hasidic community of Brooklyn’s Borough Park, Sara Glass knew one painful what was expected of her and what she desperately wanted were impossibly opposed. Tormented by her attraction to women and trapped in a loveless arranged marriage, she found herself unable to conform to her religious upbringing and soon, she made the difficult decision to walk away from the world she knew.
Sara’s journey to self-acceptance began with the challenging battle for a divorce and custody of her children, an act that left her on the verge of estrangement from her family and community. Controlled by the fear of losing custody of her two children, she forced herself to remain loyal to the compulsory heteronormativity baked into Hasidic Judaism and married again. But after suffering profound loss and a shocking sexual assault, Sara decided to finally be completely true to herself.
Kissing Girls on Shabbat is not only a love letter to Glass’s children, herself, and her family—it is an unflinching window into the world of ultra-conservative Orthodox Jewish communities and an inspiring celebration of learning to love yourself.
Growing up in the Hasidic community of Brooklyn’s Borough Park, Sara Glass knew one painful what was expected of her and what she desperately wanted were impossibly opposed. Tormented by her attraction to women and trapped in a loveless arranged marriage, she found herself unable to conform to her religious upbringing and soon, she made the difficult decision to walk away from the world she knew.
Sara’s journey to self-acceptance began with the challenging battle for a divorce and custody of her children, an act that left her on the verge of estrangement from her family and community. Controlled by the fear of losing custody of her two children, she forced herself to remain loyal to the compulsory heteronormativity baked into Hasidic Judaism and married again. But after suffering profound loss and a shocking sexual assault, Sara decided to finally be completely true to herself.
Kissing Girls on Shabbat is not only a love letter to Glass’s children, herself, and her family—it is an unflinching window into the world of ultra-conservative Orthodox Jewish communities and an inspiring celebration of learning to love yourself.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published June 11, 2024
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May 21, 2024Thank you to the publisher and author for the gifted ARC.
DNF at 22%.
In "Kissing Girls on Shabbat" by Dr. Sara Glass, the author offers a candid exploration of accepting her queerness within the context of being raised in Hasidic Judaism. However, my experience with the book was cut short due to concerns regarding the author's discussions of Israel.
In her author's note, Glass delves into the historical context of psychotherapy and questions the dominance of white male ideologies in the field. She touches on themes of decolonization and liberation, which initially intrigued me. However, as I delved further into the book, I encountered numerous uncritical references to Israel, including Glass's experiences studying there and her sister's marriage to an IDF veteran.
While Glass discusses themes of decolonization and liberation in reference to her own experiences, her silence on the issue of Israel's colonialism and genocide in Palestine felt glaring. Despite acknowledging the colonial roots of psychotherapy, Glass fails to extend this critical analysis to the situation in Palestine. This omission is particularly troubling given the ongoing violence, especially considering the book's publication timeline coinciding with recent events.
The author's failure to address the complexities of Israel's actions perpetuates a pattern of silence and complicity in these oppressive processes. As someone committed to anti-colonialism and solidarity with Palestine, I found this out of alignment with my values. While I acknowledge that the author may not have intended to endorse Israel's actions, her silence ultimately contributes to the erasure of Palestinian experiences.
In conclusion, "Kissing Girls on Shabbat" raises important questions about queer liberation and empowerment within ultra-conservative communities. However, the author's failure to engage with the issue of Israel's colonialism detracts from its overall impact. As a reader with anti-colonial and Pro-Palestine values, I chose to discontinue reading the book due to this significant oversight.
DNF at 22%.
In "Kissing Girls on Shabbat" by Dr. Sara Glass, the author offers a candid exploration of accepting her queerness within the context of being raised in Hasidic Judaism. However, my experience with the book was cut short due to concerns regarding the author's discussions of Israel.
In her author's note, Glass delves into the historical context of psychotherapy and questions the dominance of white male ideologies in the field. She touches on themes of decolonization and liberation, which initially intrigued me. However, as I delved further into the book, I encountered numerous uncritical references to Israel, including Glass's experiences studying there and her sister's marriage to an IDF veteran.
While Glass discusses themes of decolonization and liberation in reference to her own experiences, her silence on the issue of Israel's colonialism and genocide in Palestine felt glaring. Despite acknowledging the colonial roots of psychotherapy, Glass fails to extend this critical analysis to the situation in Palestine. This omission is particularly troubling given the ongoing violence, especially considering the book's publication timeline coinciding with recent events.
The author's failure to address the complexities of Israel's actions perpetuates a pattern of silence and complicity in these oppressive processes. As someone committed to anti-colonialism and solidarity with Palestine, I found this out of alignment with my values. While I acknowledge that the author may not have intended to endorse Israel's actions, her silence ultimately contributes to the erasure of Palestinian experiences.
In conclusion, "Kissing Girls on Shabbat" raises important questions about queer liberation and empowerment within ultra-conservative communities. However, the author's failure to engage with the issue of Israel's colonialism detracts from its overall impact. As a reader with anti-colonial and Pro-Palestine values, I chose to discontinue reading the book due to this significant oversight.
June 29, 2024
Kissing Girls on Shabbat: A Memoir by Sara Glass was as informative as it was moving. Over the years I have read several memoirs that were written by Hasidic Jews who chose to leave their close knit communities for a more secular lifestyle but none had touched me as much as the one that Sara Glass decided to share. Kissing Girls on Shabbat was well written. Here and there, Sara Glass included Yiddish phrases or names that she also defined and explained so as to eliminate any confusion. I was totally engaged in her story right from the beginning. For years, I have witnessed an influx of Hasidic families move from Brooklyn and establish themselves in the county where I reside. I do not live far from Monsey, New York. Unique clothes, wigs, beards, side curls and language easily allowed Hasidic men, women and children to be distinguished from others. Their lives are dictated by conformity, Rabbinical guidance, traditions and what they have learned from birth from the teachings of their parents, grandparents and Rabbis. Sara Glass was born into a family that was part of the Gur Hasidic community. Kissing Girls on Shabbat focused on Sara’s journey as she learned how to navigate the Hasidic way of living.
Sara Glass was known as Malka when she was growing up in Borough Park, Brooklyn. Malka had four older sisters and one younger sister. Malka grew up among her own kind, attended the all girl schools that Hasidic girls were expected to attend and fit into the expected mold that had been laid out for her since birth. A good Hasidic girl knew her role in life was to get married and have lots of children. Malka had conflicting feelings about that. She struggled greatly with her own sexual orientation. Adding to Malka’s struggles was the fact that both her mother and one of her sisters suffered from mental illness. This knowledge affected Malka greatly as a young girl. It made a big impact on her arranged marriage and in the subsequent years in her life that followed.
When Malka was nineteen years old, she met Dassa. There was an undeniable attraction between the two women. Malka gave into her desires but guilt played a big role. Good Hasidic girls were not supposed to be attracted to other women. There was no such thing as gay women in the Hasidic community. Then her three older sisters stepped in. Malka was sent to meet the matchmaker where the “shidduch process” or arranged marriage through a matchmaker began. Malka was matched with Yossi Schwartz, a twenty-six year old Hasidic man who came from a good Hasidic family. Yossi and Malka went on five dates. Over the course of those dates, touching was forbidden. There was little eye contact between Malka and Yossi. On their sixth date, Yossi asked Malka to marry him. Before Malka accepted Yossi’s proposal, she expressed her desire to earn a PhD in psychology. This had been a goal for Malka since she was a young girl. When Malka’s beloved sister, Shani, had been diagnosed with a mental illness, Malka wanted more than anything to earn a PhD in psychology so she could help others who were struggling with mental illness. Yossi agreed to Malka’s request. Malka accepted Yossi’s proposal because that was what was expected of her. Before her wedding, Malka visited a bridal instructor. Her name was Mrs. Levenstein. One of the roles of the bridal instructor was to explain the act of intimacy that would take place on the night the couple married. Mrs. Levenstein used an empty tube of toothpaste and a bendable pencil shaped toy to explain to Malka what to expect from Yossi during sex and what she would experience. Malka was naive and so unprepared for what was expected of her.
Malka and Yossi moved to Lakewood, New Jersey where a strong Hasidic community existed. Malka was all of 19 years old. She didn’t know her husband very well at all. Yossi and Malka had a son and daughter together. Malka had also experienced one miscarriage. She dressed modestly with her skirts at least four inches below her kneecaps and made sure that her elbows and collarbone were covered. Good Hasidic women covered themselves so not to evoke temptation. The longer Malka was married to Yossi the more demanding, distant and ultra religious he became. Over their years together, they sought out marriage counseling through the Rabbis and approved psychiatrists. Malka and Yossi ended their marriage with a divorce. One of the stipulations of the divorce that Yossi insisted upon was that his son and daughter would be brought up in strict accordance to the Hasidic tradition. If Malka deviated from this, Yossi would get complete custody of the children.
In the years that followed, Malka was met with lots of challenges. Her children always remained her prime concern. She loved her children dearly, unconditionally and wanted them to grow up to make their own choices and decisions with her guidance. Malka continued to explore her sexual orientation. At some point, she came to the realization that she was a lesbian but she suppressed her own desires for the sake of her children. Yossi continued to have a say in how Malka and her children lived. Would Malka ever be able to live the life she wanted? Will she be able to embrace her children and let them choose how they live their lives?
Kissing Girls on Shabbat: A Memoir by Sara Glass was one of the best memoirs I have read in a while. I was very impressed with how strong and determined Sara Glass became after experiencing so many years of confusion, conformity, surrender, denial and acquiescence. She was divorced twice which was very unusual in Hasidic culture. Sara Glass earned her PhD and came to realize her dream of becoming a psychologist as a reality. Kissing Girls on Shabbat examined a magnified view of Hasidic life through Sara Glass’s eyes and experiences including how same sex relationships were viewed by the devout Hasidic community. It portrayed the themes of mental illness, suicide, sexual assault, trauma, divorce, family, sisters and same sex relationships. I really enjoyed reading Kissing Girls on Shabbat by Sara Glass and recommend it highly if you enjoy reading memoirs.
Thank you to Simon & Schuster Atria/ One Signal Publishers for allowing me to read Kissing Girls on Shabbat by Sara Glass through Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
Sara Glass was known as Malka when she was growing up in Borough Park, Brooklyn. Malka had four older sisters and one younger sister. Malka grew up among her own kind, attended the all girl schools that Hasidic girls were expected to attend and fit into the expected mold that had been laid out for her since birth. A good Hasidic girl knew her role in life was to get married and have lots of children. Malka had conflicting feelings about that. She struggled greatly with her own sexual orientation. Adding to Malka’s struggles was the fact that both her mother and one of her sisters suffered from mental illness. This knowledge affected Malka greatly as a young girl. It made a big impact on her arranged marriage and in the subsequent years in her life that followed.
When Malka was nineteen years old, she met Dassa. There was an undeniable attraction between the two women. Malka gave into her desires but guilt played a big role. Good Hasidic girls were not supposed to be attracted to other women. There was no such thing as gay women in the Hasidic community. Then her three older sisters stepped in. Malka was sent to meet the matchmaker where the “shidduch process” or arranged marriage through a matchmaker began. Malka was matched with Yossi Schwartz, a twenty-six year old Hasidic man who came from a good Hasidic family. Yossi and Malka went on five dates. Over the course of those dates, touching was forbidden. There was little eye contact between Malka and Yossi. On their sixth date, Yossi asked Malka to marry him. Before Malka accepted Yossi’s proposal, she expressed her desire to earn a PhD in psychology. This had been a goal for Malka since she was a young girl. When Malka’s beloved sister, Shani, had been diagnosed with a mental illness, Malka wanted more than anything to earn a PhD in psychology so she could help others who were struggling with mental illness. Yossi agreed to Malka’s request. Malka accepted Yossi’s proposal because that was what was expected of her. Before her wedding, Malka visited a bridal instructor. Her name was Mrs. Levenstein. One of the roles of the bridal instructor was to explain the act of intimacy that would take place on the night the couple married. Mrs. Levenstein used an empty tube of toothpaste and a bendable pencil shaped toy to explain to Malka what to expect from Yossi during sex and what she would experience. Malka was naive and so unprepared for what was expected of her.
Malka and Yossi moved to Lakewood, New Jersey where a strong Hasidic community existed. Malka was all of 19 years old. She didn’t know her husband very well at all. Yossi and Malka had a son and daughter together. Malka had also experienced one miscarriage. She dressed modestly with her skirts at least four inches below her kneecaps and made sure that her elbows and collarbone were covered. Good Hasidic women covered themselves so not to evoke temptation. The longer Malka was married to Yossi the more demanding, distant and ultra religious he became. Over their years together, they sought out marriage counseling through the Rabbis and approved psychiatrists. Malka and Yossi ended their marriage with a divorce. One of the stipulations of the divorce that Yossi insisted upon was that his son and daughter would be brought up in strict accordance to the Hasidic tradition. If Malka deviated from this, Yossi would get complete custody of the children.
In the years that followed, Malka was met with lots of challenges. Her children always remained her prime concern. She loved her children dearly, unconditionally and wanted them to grow up to make their own choices and decisions with her guidance. Malka continued to explore her sexual orientation. At some point, she came to the realization that she was a lesbian but she suppressed her own desires for the sake of her children. Yossi continued to have a say in how Malka and her children lived. Would Malka ever be able to live the life she wanted? Will she be able to embrace her children and let them choose how they live their lives?
Kissing Girls on Shabbat: A Memoir by Sara Glass was one of the best memoirs I have read in a while. I was very impressed with how strong and determined Sara Glass became after experiencing so many years of confusion, conformity, surrender, denial and acquiescence. She was divorced twice which was very unusual in Hasidic culture. Sara Glass earned her PhD and came to realize her dream of becoming a psychologist as a reality. Kissing Girls on Shabbat examined a magnified view of Hasidic life through Sara Glass’s eyes and experiences including how same sex relationships were viewed by the devout Hasidic community. It portrayed the themes of mental illness, suicide, sexual assault, trauma, divorce, family, sisters and same sex relationships. I really enjoyed reading Kissing Girls on Shabbat by Sara Glass and recommend it highly if you enjoy reading memoirs.
Thank you to Simon & Schuster Atria/ One Signal Publishers for allowing me to read Kissing Girls on Shabbat by Sara Glass through Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
June 6, 2024
This was a very interesting glimpse into the life of Sara Glass, who whilst still a teenager married within her Hasidic Community of Brooklyn's Borough Park. Prior to her marriage she was fervently in love with another woman- a scandal she kept concealed. Sara and her husband settled into marriage in Lakewood, NJ where the Hasidic Community was quite prevalent. I was fascinated learning of the many rules Sara had to comply with, overseen by Rabbis who her husband would periodically call for reinforcement. These rules comprised wearing long skirts, long-sleeved shirts, and a head covering such as a head wrap or a wig. Frequency of intimate marital relations and having an abundance of children were a main goal. Sara hungered to continue her schooling in the field of social work and psychology, hoping to earn her doctorate, with the hope of helping her sister who suffered with severe bipolar disorder. Such a high-minded career goal was roundly discouraged by her husband and the community.
This was a very thought-provoking memoir that shared Sara's internal struggle with suppressing her gayness, constantly frightened that her two children would be taken away from her. She shares details of her two divorces from husbands, dabbling in nightlife and gay sexual affairs, financial strife as a single parent, and persistence in obtaining her doctorate in psychology. Well-written, and a gutsy memoir to write when perhaps some people will question some of her life choices.
Thank you to the publisher Atria Books / One Signal for providing an advance reader copy via NetGalley.
This was a very thought-provoking memoir that shared Sara's internal struggle with suppressing her gayness, constantly frightened that her two children would be taken away from her. She shares details of her two divorces from husbands, dabbling in nightlife and gay sexual affairs, financial strife as a single parent, and persistence in obtaining her doctorate in psychology. Well-written, and a gutsy memoir to write when perhaps some people will question some of her life choices.
Thank you to the publisher Atria Books / One Signal for providing an advance reader copy via NetGalley.
June 10, 2024
Growing up in a Hasidic community in Brooklyn, Glass knew what her life would look like: she'd marry a man, get the level of education their rabbi (or, maybe more to the point, his rabbi) approved of and no more, be permitted to use birth control only in rare occasions, and keep her body and hair covered. For the rest of her life. She also knew what she wanted: to earn a PhD, to have some small freedoms to make choices for herself, to have a say in the number and timing of her children, and to be allowed to love a woman.
I've read enough about conservative religion in various forms to be unsurprised by a lot of what Glass writes about, but there are still things that...well. "As a bride you have special mercy on your wedding day," Mrs. Levenstein, my bridal instructor, said as we sat at the folding table in her husband's study. "You can ask God for forgiveness, and he will wipe your slate clean, anything you have ever done wrong will disappear." (loc. 371*)
At the time, Glass used this as permission to do forbidden things in advance of her wedding, but I'm fascinated for other reasons. First, the idea that this bridal instructor was running a successful business from her home—but the study was still considered her husband's study. Not theirs, let alone hers. And then there's this idea of wiping the slate clean; I'd love to know how widespread that is in Judaism (it's not something I've ever heard, but then, I'm not super well read on Judaism), but also...I want to know what kind of mental gymnastics it requires to both place a premium on women's 'purity' and to say that marriage will wipe away any sins. I sort of imagine that neither one's betrothed/husband nor one's rabbi would be likely to be so forgiving?
Or: After a few more awkward phone passes, a call to Mrs. Levenstein, and another call from the rabbi, we arrived at our answer. We had not had marital intercourse last night. False alarm. (loc. 493) There's a lot of context to that quote that I'm leaving out, but the short version is that when everything is regimented, down to when you and your husband can and cannot physically touch, conversations get awkward. Glass describes living in some ways outside the law—because Hasidic law was stricter, and more specific, and it didn't really matter what the secular courts said if the rabbinical courts had different opinions.
We were under a town-wide internet ban. As the internet became a standard feature of modern life, the rabbis decided that it was for the secular world, not for us. In special cases, such as for work purposes, one was permitted to use the Yeshiva Net provider, which allowed access to "whitelisted" websites. I had a dial-up DSL connection monitored by Yeshiva Net, which meant that when I first wanted to access the Rutgers University Library website, the Gap, or Children's Place, I had to call the Yeshiva Net office to ask them to allow those sites. When I called to ask if I could add Google to my list, the sleepy male voice at the other end said, "Mrs. Schwartz, many people find that to be a strong temptation. We don't allow search engines." How could I admit that I wanted to explore more temptations? He would ask to speak to my husband. (loc.1656)
The ways in which the community operated outside the law come to define huge portions of the book, because according to Hasidic law (or the local interpretation of it), pushing the boundaries could lead to the loss of Glass's children—and it's only late, late in the book that she starts to understand that there's a whole 'nother set of laws out there, ones where your rights are not determined by whether or not you keep every strand of natural hair under your wig.
There's a lot to say here that there just isn't space for in this review. I'm reminded a bit of Brazen, but with Glass seeking to unpick her layers of trauma and context rather than just to shock the reader. It's a fast and fascinating read, and I'm glad Glass refused to accept that the status quo was the only way to go.
A note on Israel: This is a book that is, unsurprisingly, heavy on Judaism. It takes place almost entirely in the eastern US. Israel is mentioned a handful of times—Glass had family there, and she spent some time there as a young woman. It's not discussed in any detail. I read a revised ARC, so I can't speak for the earlier version, but Glass includes this paragraph in the author's note at the beginning: Please note that this manuscript was written prior to October 7, 2023. There are references to Israel throughout this manuscript, and those references do not and cannot communicate the full context or complexity of that date. Nor to they communicate my feelings about what has taken place in the days, weeks, and months afterward. My heart breaks for the people of Gaza and the victims of October 7. (loc. 58) I am taking that at face value for the sake of this book and looking elsewhere for my reading on Israel and Palestine; however, it may not be enough for some readers, and if that's you, I recommend passing on this book.
Thanks to the author and publisher for providing a review copy through NetGalley.
*Quotes are from an ARC and may not be final.
I've read enough about conservative religion in various forms to be unsurprised by a lot of what Glass writes about, but there are still things that...well. "As a bride you have special mercy on your wedding day," Mrs. Levenstein, my bridal instructor, said as we sat at the folding table in her husband's study. "You can ask God for forgiveness, and he will wipe your slate clean, anything you have ever done wrong will disappear." (loc. 371*)
At the time, Glass used this as permission to do forbidden things in advance of her wedding, but I'm fascinated for other reasons. First, the idea that this bridal instructor was running a successful business from her home—but the study was still considered her husband's study. Not theirs, let alone hers. And then there's this idea of wiping the slate clean; I'd love to know how widespread that is in Judaism (it's not something I've ever heard, but then, I'm not super well read on Judaism), but also...I want to know what kind of mental gymnastics it requires to both place a premium on women's 'purity' and to say that marriage will wipe away any sins. I sort of imagine that neither one's betrothed/husband nor one's rabbi would be likely to be so forgiving?
Or: After a few more awkward phone passes, a call to Mrs. Levenstein, and another call from the rabbi, we arrived at our answer. We had not had marital intercourse last night. False alarm. (loc. 493) There's a lot of context to that quote that I'm leaving out, but the short version is that when everything is regimented, down to when you and your husband can and cannot physically touch, conversations get awkward. Glass describes living in some ways outside the law—because Hasidic law was stricter, and more specific, and it didn't really matter what the secular courts said if the rabbinical courts had different opinions.
We were under a town-wide internet ban. As the internet became a standard feature of modern life, the rabbis decided that it was for the secular world, not for us. In special cases, such as for work purposes, one was permitted to use the Yeshiva Net provider, which allowed access to "whitelisted" websites. I had a dial-up DSL connection monitored by Yeshiva Net, which meant that when I first wanted to access the Rutgers University Library website, the Gap, or Children's Place, I had to call the Yeshiva Net office to ask them to allow those sites. When I called to ask if I could add Google to my list, the sleepy male voice at the other end said, "Mrs. Schwartz, many people find that to be a strong temptation. We don't allow search engines." How could I admit that I wanted to explore more temptations? He would ask to speak to my husband. (loc.1656)
The ways in which the community operated outside the law come to define huge portions of the book, because according to Hasidic law (or the local interpretation of it), pushing the boundaries could lead to the loss of Glass's children—and it's only late, late in the book that she starts to understand that there's a whole 'nother set of laws out there, ones where your rights are not determined by whether or not you keep every strand of natural hair under your wig.
There's a lot to say here that there just isn't space for in this review. I'm reminded a bit of Brazen, but with Glass seeking to unpick her layers of trauma and context rather than just to shock the reader. It's a fast and fascinating read, and I'm glad Glass refused to accept that the status quo was the only way to go.
A note on Israel: This is a book that is, unsurprisingly, heavy on Judaism. It takes place almost entirely in the eastern US. Israel is mentioned a handful of times—Glass had family there, and she spent some time there as a young woman. It's not discussed in any detail. I read a revised ARC, so I can't speak for the earlier version, but Glass includes this paragraph in the author's note at the beginning: Please note that this manuscript was written prior to October 7, 2023. There are references to Israel throughout this manuscript, and those references do not and cannot communicate the full context or complexity of that date. Nor to they communicate my feelings about what has taken place in the days, weeks, and months afterward. My heart breaks for the people of Gaza and the victims of October 7. (loc. 58) I am taking that at face value for the sake of this book and looking elsewhere for my reading on Israel and Palestine; however, it may not be enough for some readers, and if that's you, I recommend passing on this book.
Thanks to the author and publisher for providing a review copy through NetGalley.
*Quotes are from an ARC and may not be final.
March 22, 2024
Thank you Simon and Schuster Canada, Dr. Sara Glass, and Netgalley for my ARC copy of this memoir.
Kissing Girls on Shabbat: A Memoir discusses the complexities and trauma that can be involved in rigid conformity and trying to mould oneself to be what others expect. In her journey of self-acceptance, Dr Glass goes through the motions expected of her in her ultra-orthodox community; coming to the realization that the world she was living in would not be conducive to her being able to live as her true self. Through marriage, death, estrangement, and custody battles, Dr Glass comes to learn just because she learnt one way of living growing up, does not mean she has to stay within the confines of that way of life. While still holding her religion close to her, she learns that it should not dictate her life and should instead live peacefully with her as she is.
Kissing Girls on Shabbat: A Memoir discusses the complexities and trauma that can be involved in rigid conformity and trying to mould oneself to be what others expect. In her journey of self-acceptance, Dr Glass goes through the motions expected of her in her ultra-orthodox community; coming to the realization that the world she was living in would not be conducive to her being able to live as her true self. Through marriage, death, estrangement, and custody battles, Dr Glass comes to learn just because she learnt one way of living growing up, does not mean she has to stay within the confines of that way of life. While still holding her religion close to her, she learns that it should not dictate her life and should instead live peacefully with her as she is.
June 9, 2024
An incredibly vulnerable and open memoir about an Orthodox Jewish woman and her journey to divorce her husband and explore her sexuality in a Sapphic relationship despite knowing it goes against all the rules of her religion. Great on audio read by the author herself, this was so enlightening, with great mental health rep and perfect for fans of authors like Melissa Broder or Heidi Shertok. Many thanks to NetGalley and Simon Schuster for an early digital and audio copy in exchange for my honest review!!
CW: rape
CW: rape
April 21, 2024
What a standout memoir! I was intrigued by the blurb, but within the first twenty pages I realized this memoir was going to be much better than I could have hoped.
Glass has a very easy to read writing style that draws one in while also proving adequate substance behind the style. Glass's upbringing in an Orthodox Jewish community is something I knew nothing about, and I felt Glass did a good job of providing context without slipping into a boring background information voice. Reading this at 27, it's flat out bizarre thinking about the way her life changed at just 19. I also found it interesting how many decisions were made by rabbis regarding marriage, divorce, and really everything in their day to day life.
I was relieved when her financial situation was addressed mid book, as that was something I found to be a bit puzzling and caused disconnection for me.
A really great read that I would highly recommend!
Glass has a very easy to read writing style that draws one in while also proving adequate substance behind the style. Glass's upbringing in an Orthodox Jewish community is something I knew nothing about, and I felt Glass did a good job of providing context without slipping into a boring background information voice. Reading this at 27, it's flat out bizarre thinking about the way her life changed at just 19. I also found it interesting how many decisions were made by rabbis regarding marriage, divorce, and really everything in their day to day life.
I was relieved when her financial situation was addressed mid book, as that was something I found to be a bit puzzling and caused disconnection for me.
A really great read that I would highly recommend!
May 24, 2024
Thank you to Net Galley and the publisher for this advanced review copy.
Sara grows up in a large Haredi family in Brooklyn in which both her mother and one of her older sisters suffers from severe mental illness. Unable to receive any explanations for what's going on, Sara decides that she needs to pursue a career in psychology.
As a teenager, Sara becomes romantically involved with another Haredi girl but she knows that there is no future for them and she must marry a man. She goes ahead with an arranged marriage as is the practice in her community and has two children, but is desperately unhappy. Meanwhile, she is able to graduate college and pursue a social work degree.
The book details Sara's journey from Haredi Brooklyn through two marriages to men and to her growing realization that her well being and the well being of her children depend on her living an authentic life. The book is well written and highly engaging. While I knew how it would likely end, I was intent on reading every page.
I would count this book among the best memoirs of women leaving Haredi life. The author handles the story with compassion and great insight, including about herself.
Highly recommended.
Sara grows up in a large Haredi family in Brooklyn in which both her mother and one of her older sisters suffers from severe mental illness. Unable to receive any explanations for what's going on, Sara decides that she needs to pursue a career in psychology.
As a teenager, Sara becomes romantically involved with another Haredi girl but she knows that there is no future for them and she must marry a man. She goes ahead with an arranged marriage as is the practice in her community and has two children, but is desperately unhappy. Meanwhile, she is able to graduate college and pursue a social work degree.
The book details Sara's journey from Haredi Brooklyn through two marriages to men and to her growing realization that her well being and the well being of her children depend on her living an authentic life. The book is well written and highly engaging. While I knew how it would likely end, I was intent on reading every page.
I would count this book among the best memoirs of women leaving Haredi life. The author handles the story with compassion and great insight, including about herself.
Highly recommended.
March 24, 2024
Just finished this memoir after starting it yesterday, and I think this will be one of my favorite books of 2024. It’s difficult to criticize or rank memoirs due to the nature of passing judgement on how people choose to present the story of their life. I can say, however, that this one definitely kept my interest and I was able to relate to and empathize with the author on many levels, despite my limited knowledge of her cultural experience of growing up in a Hasidic community. Dr. Glass had a unique experience with her struggle between orthodox societal pressures and her own sexuality and ability to live authentically, but the closeted desires are relatable to so many queer people who have struggled with being true to themselves.
Thank you Dr. Glass for sharing your experiences with the world. Thank you Netgalley for the ARC.
Thank you Dr. Glass for sharing your experiences with the world. Thank you Netgalley for the ARC.
May 30, 2024
If you enjoy memoirs, you need to read this (with consideration for the content warnings below). I highlighted so many quotes during my read, but let's start out with this one: "As I stepped onto the campus grounds to begin my first semester, I understood why Yossi and the rabbis spent so much time discouraging young women from the path I had chosen."
Quick Synopsis: Dr. Sara Glass bares her soul and life story of embracing her queer identity and and protecting herself, her kids, and her family amidst her upbringing and ongoing control of the devout, Hasidic community. Tormented by her attraction to women and trapped in a loveless arranged marriage, she found herself unable to conform to her religious upbringing, she begins a challenging battle for divorce, and ultimately, custody for her children. Dr. Glass' journey to self-discovery and acceptance was riddled with challenges, inner turmoil, loss, heartbreak, trauma, and anxiety. Kissing Girls on Shabbat is not only a love letter to Glass’ children, herself, and her family—it is an unflinching window into the world of ultra-conservative Orthodox Jewish communities and an inspiring celebration of learning to love yourself.
My Review: I sat speechless for several minutes upon finishing Kissing Girls on Shabbat. I do not personally come from a Jewish upbringing, and Dr. Glass' raw descriptions of her experiences and reflections were mind-boggling. I am thrilled and impressed that she went through everything that she did and came out of the other side to tell this story. I'm honored to have had the opportunity to read this ARC and share it with others. This memoir is thought-provoking and evoked similar responses from me as did Educated (Tara Westover), Paris: The Memoir (Paris Hilton), The Girls We Sent Away (historical fiction, Meagan Church), and Counting the Cost (Jill Duggar).
CWs: religious control, religious trauma, arranged marriage, forced marriage, homophobia, rape, sexual assault, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, completed suicide, strained family relationships, sexism, patriarchy, references to/personal events occurring in Israel, lack of sexual education, incompetent schooling/education of children, accidental pregnancy, termination of pregnancy, challenging labor/childbirth, divorce, strained spousal relationships,
Selected Quotes:
"My devotion to God and my deep, well-tended fear of his wrath didn’t leave much room for choice. Feelings were irrelevant. Sexual attraction was irrelevant."
"It felt strange, being on the outside of a conversation in which two men worked to determine if my vagina was penetrated. I wished I could provide insight either way. "
"In social policy class, I learned that not everyone was a Republican. "
"I was twenty-one years old, and I did not know what sex had to do with pleasure. Or for that matter, what this clitoris she spoke of even was."
"I needed to find out who I was after stealing my body back from God. "
"I could see her, the old me, in my rearview mirror, hair loose and eyes crinkling, and my God, she was beautiful. "
My most sincere and appreciative thanks go to the author, Dr. Sara Glass, publisher Atria Books, and NetGalley for access to this eARC in exchange for my honest review.
Quick Synopsis: Dr. Sara Glass bares her soul and life story of embracing her queer identity and and protecting herself, her kids, and her family amidst her upbringing and ongoing control of the devout, Hasidic community. Tormented by her attraction to women and trapped in a loveless arranged marriage, she found herself unable to conform to her religious upbringing, she begins a challenging battle for divorce, and ultimately, custody for her children. Dr. Glass' journey to self-discovery and acceptance was riddled with challenges, inner turmoil, loss, heartbreak, trauma, and anxiety. Kissing Girls on Shabbat is not only a love letter to Glass’ children, herself, and her family—it is an unflinching window into the world of ultra-conservative Orthodox Jewish communities and an inspiring celebration of learning to love yourself.
My Review: I sat speechless for several minutes upon finishing Kissing Girls on Shabbat. I do not personally come from a Jewish upbringing, and Dr. Glass' raw descriptions of her experiences and reflections were mind-boggling. I am thrilled and impressed that she went through everything that she did and came out of the other side to tell this story. I'm honored to have had the opportunity to read this ARC and share it with others. This memoir is thought-provoking and evoked similar responses from me as did Educated (Tara Westover), Paris: The Memoir (Paris Hilton), The Girls We Sent Away (historical fiction, Meagan Church), and Counting the Cost (Jill Duggar).
CWs: religious control, religious trauma, arranged marriage, forced marriage, homophobia, rape, sexual assault, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, completed suicide, strained family relationships, sexism, patriarchy, references to/personal events occurring in Israel, lack of sexual education, incompetent schooling/education of children, accidental pregnancy, termination of pregnancy, challenging labor/childbirth, divorce, strained spousal relationships,
Selected Quotes:
"My devotion to God and my deep, well-tended fear of his wrath didn’t leave much room for choice. Feelings were irrelevant. Sexual attraction was irrelevant."
"It felt strange, being on the outside of a conversation in which two men worked to determine if my vagina was penetrated. I wished I could provide insight either way. "
"In social policy class, I learned that not everyone was a Republican. "
"I was twenty-one years old, and I did not know what sex had to do with pleasure. Or for that matter, what this clitoris she spoke of even was."
"I needed to find out who I was after stealing my body back from God. "
"I could see her, the old me, in my rearview mirror, hair loose and eyes crinkling, and my God, she was beautiful. "
My most sincere and appreciative thanks go to the author, Dr. Sara Glass, publisher Atria Books, and NetGalley for access to this eARC in exchange for my honest review.
Read
June 12, 2024thank you to NetGalley and Atria Books for the advanced digital copy.
--
a funny thing happened with this arc. before i cracked the book, i received an email to download an updated version. the updated version included a note acknowledging what's been happening in Palestine since October 7th, 2023. frankly, i didn't wander into a memoir about a hasidic jewish woman's journey to queerness without expecting a few mentions of israel, but i had thought that perhaps part of that journey would include a dissection of pro-israel indoctrination as you cannot be pro-israel and also be pro-liberation. the fact that this author neglects to mention that the genocide israel has been perpetuating against palestine started prior to and has gone on much longer than 2023 feels like a deliberate and telling exclusion.
as far as the memoir itself, due to my own religious-related traumas i always find myself compelled to read stories where religion intersects with things like queerness, gender, misogyny, abuse, sexual assault, etc. what i don't like is when these perspectives still deify the religion/governing power/country/etc. that still continues to perpetuate various acts of violence against people for the same reasons the author is being critical.
i felt like this book stringently lays out the author's life of abuses and brainwashing (please note, i'm extremely anti-religion and i believe ALL religions participate in this) and the author still holds her belief system as sacrosanct (which i don't get nor do i think she did a good job explaining what there is to love about a belief system that forces women to be baby factories and states that men must make decisions for women, even calling 911 for life-saving medical care). the more disturbing part of this book for me was the reverential way israel was spoken about. it just felt like a book that was either written by a person still deep in the throes of stockholm syndrome or written by a person that has some learning to do.
either way, i didn't have a good time and i wouldn't recommend this one.
--
a funny thing happened with this arc. before i cracked the book, i received an email to download an updated version. the updated version included a note acknowledging what's been happening in Palestine since October 7th, 2023. frankly, i didn't wander into a memoir about a hasidic jewish woman's journey to queerness without expecting a few mentions of israel, but i had thought that perhaps part of that journey would include a dissection of pro-israel indoctrination as you cannot be pro-israel and also be pro-liberation. the fact that this author neglects to mention that the genocide israel has been perpetuating against palestine started prior to and has gone on much longer than 2023 feels like a deliberate and telling exclusion.
as far as the memoir itself, due to my own religious-related traumas i always find myself compelled to read stories where religion intersects with things like queerness, gender, misogyny, abuse, sexual assault, etc. what i don't like is when these perspectives still deify the religion/governing power/country/etc. that still continues to perpetuate various acts of violence against people for the same reasons the author is being critical.
i felt like this book stringently lays out the author's life of abuses and brainwashing (please note, i'm extremely anti-religion and i believe ALL religions participate in this) and the author still holds her belief system as sacrosanct (which i don't get nor do i think she did a good job explaining what there is to love about a belief system that forces women to be baby factories and states that men must make decisions for women, even calling 911 for life-saving medical care). the more disturbing part of this book for me was the reverential way israel was spoken about. it just felt like a book that was either written by a person still deep in the throes of stockholm syndrome or written by a person that has some learning to do.
either way, i didn't have a good time and i wouldn't recommend this one.
May 5, 2024
By their nature, memoirs are difficult to assign a rating to. You're essentially judging someone's ability to tell their own story, after all. That wasn't a problem with this book, in which Dr. Glass invites readers to take a peek into a world many of them may not understand in order to show how she got from where she was to where she is.
I do understand, sort of. I have some firsthand knowledge of the kind of life she lived, and I can empathize with how difficult it was to let go in order to remain true to herself and to show her children that there was another option. The thing I appreciated the most about her story was that she showed not just the parts that made it necessary to leave, but she also showed what made it beautiful, the sense of community that made it difficult to give up. I think this approach will work for anyone, regardless of how familiar you are with the world she grew up in.
The writing was engaging, it was told in a linear way but without the rote "I was born on this day and then did this thing, rinse wash repeat" style of many memoirs.
Thank you to the publisher and NetGalley for the opportunity to read this, and thank you to Dr. Glass for writing it.
I do understand, sort of. I have some firsthand knowledge of the kind of life she lived, and I can empathize with how difficult it was to let go in order to remain true to herself and to show her children that there was another option. The thing I appreciated the most about her story was that she showed not just the parts that made it necessary to leave, but she also showed what made it beautiful, the sense of community that made it difficult to give up. I think this approach will work for anyone, regardless of how familiar you are with the world she grew up in.
The writing was engaging, it was told in a linear way but without the rote "I was born on this day and then did this thing, rinse wash repeat" style of many memoirs.
Thank you to the publisher and NetGalley for the opportunity to read this, and thank you to Dr. Glass for writing it.
Read
May 13, 2024Thank you to Atria and NetGalley for providing me with an eARC of this book in exchange of an honest review.
What worked:
- The storytelling
- Very emotional
- Not as bad as HBB
What didn't work:
- Z1on1sm!
- Though the writing is good, something makes the book either too slow or too hard to get through. I had to put it down several times.
What worked:
- The storytelling
- Very emotional
- Not as bad as HBB
What didn't work:
- Z1on1sm!
- Though the writing is good, something makes the book either too slow or too hard to get through. I had to put it down several times.
May 29, 2024
Kissing Girls on Shabbat is the memoir of a girl raised in the Hasidic community of Brooklyn's Borough Park as she struggles with her identity as a lesbian. This memoir is one of those that, once started, can't be put down, and the author is more than willing to explore the complexities of their trauma. This memoir is particularly well done, as Glass is a therapist herself with a PhD, and she is able to write through her own experiences and those around her with compassion and grace. While Glass was most definitely trapped at multiple points in her life, she does not blame those around her who may have been trapped themselves. While she steps away from her Hasidic/Orthodox Jewish life toward the end of the book, she still has a love for the religion that raised her. I really enjoyed this, and I would recommend it for memoir lovers everywhere.
Thank you to Atria Books for gifting me an ARC in exchange for an honest review!
Thank you to Atria Books for gifting me an ARC in exchange for an honest review!
March 20, 2024
Kissing Girls on Shabbat was an amazingly written and powerful memoir. Dr. Sara Glass is an incredibly resilient woman, experiencing so much control imposed on her from her ultra-conservative Orthodox Jewish community and the pain that came with trying to conform. Her journey to self-acceptance and being able to live her life as her true self was not easy. I admire her dedication and her love for her children who she worked hard to protect as she went through her own struggles with divorce, near estrangement from family, assault, unexpected loss and the pressures religious conformity. She keeps her children safe, fights to retain custody and moves toward freedom and embracing her queer identity. She is also able to build her practice as psychologist through it all. Dr. Glass thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you NetGalley for the e-ARC!
Thank you NetGalley for the e-ARC!
April 4, 2024
Thank you to NetGalley and to Simon & Schuster for an ARC of this memoir.
Wow, this memoir is amazing. I devoured it in two days. Sara's story is compelling and engaging. I felt so much sadness and agony for her and I loved to be able to witness her journey as she "figured herself out". It's beautiful to witness that she was able to actually be true to herself. I loved the way she stayed so strong for her kids and always wanted to do right by them.
Her journey through various relationships and marriages was also interesting to read about and the emotions were so vivid.
I also truly enjoyed to read so deeply about the Orthodox Jewish community - something that I have not done much of before. I will definitely be recommending this memoir to people that enjoy this genre because it ticks off so many boxes for me.
Wow, this memoir is amazing. I devoured it in two days. Sara's story is compelling and engaging. I felt so much sadness and agony for her and I loved to be able to witness her journey as she "figured herself out". It's beautiful to witness that she was able to actually be true to herself. I loved the way she stayed so strong for her kids and always wanted to do right by them.
Her journey through various relationships and marriages was also interesting to read about and the emotions were so vivid.
I also truly enjoyed to read so deeply about the Orthodox Jewish community - something that I have not done much of before. I will definitely be recommending this memoir to people that enjoy this genre because it ticks off so many boxes for me.
February 20, 2024
Review to come, but what a wonderful memoir. One I wished that I could reread for the 1st time
*I read an advance copy and was not compensated
*I read an advance copy and was not compensated
May 20, 2024
a truly stunning memoir that pushes us to grapple with themes of family, community, and trauma (and the intersections of these things). Glass teaches us, through vivid depictions of key moments, about the strength and vulnerability it takes to recognize that the status quo is not enough. she brings us into her quest to rebuild in a way that feels honest and aligned - the messy, imperfect process that is always unfolding. this book felt like the manifestation of much pain and so, so much love. deep gratitude for Glass and her willingness to share, especially in those moments when she is not the hero.
May 31, 2024
Advanced Book Review! Thank you @simonschusterca & @netgalley for sending me this book for review. Opinions are my own.
I’ve read a lot of books, fiction & non-fiction, about the Brooklyn Hasidic (ultra-Orthodox Jews) community. They often have one thing in common – someone is struggling and wants to leave the Hasidic community. These books make clear that, by leaving, they are giving up their families, friends, and everything they know. These books provide a fascinating look into the insular world of Hasidism, but unfortunately, don’t paint it in a very good light.
Dr. Sara Glass writes that the goal of Kissing Girls on Shabbat is “to gradually address and reduce the larger systemic disparities, particularly concerning individuals diagnosed with mental illness or those who identify within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.”
In her memoir, she writes about the difficulties both she and her sister faced within the Hasidic community. Sara was trapped in a loveless arranged marriage, while her sister struggled with mental illness. Both women faced losing their children as a result of the community’s strict rules and intolerance.
This book tore at my heart. It’s difficult to read about mothers struggling to provide for their children, the mistreatment of women, and families torn apart by religious restrictions. Even more so that this takes place within a Jewish community. While certain things are familiar, like Shabbat and holidays, Hasidism is so vastly different from my own secular Jewish community. I’m glad that Sara found the strength and courage to leave and live true to herself and her children, with the support of organizations that help people in this position.
I don’t want this to be anyone’s introduction or only source about Judaism. So please, keep in mind the many books about Jewish joy, and pick one of those up as well. If you need a recommendation, see my Jewish Books highlights or reach out.
I’ve read a lot of books, fiction & non-fiction, about the Brooklyn Hasidic (ultra-Orthodox Jews) community. They often have one thing in common – someone is struggling and wants to leave the Hasidic community. These books make clear that, by leaving, they are giving up their families, friends, and everything they know. These books provide a fascinating look into the insular world of Hasidism, but unfortunately, don’t paint it in a very good light.
Dr. Sara Glass writes that the goal of Kissing Girls on Shabbat is “to gradually address and reduce the larger systemic disparities, particularly concerning individuals diagnosed with mental illness or those who identify within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.”
In her memoir, she writes about the difficulties both she and her sister faced within the Hasidic community. Sara was trapped in a loveless arranged marriage, while her sister struggled with mental illness. Both women faced losing their children as a result of the community’s strict rules and intolerance.
This book tore at my heart. It’s difficult to read about mothers struggling to provide for their children, the mistreatment of women, and families torn apart by religious restrictions. Even more so that this takes place within a Jewish community. While certain things are familiar, like Shabbat and holidays, Hasidism is so vastly different from my own secular Jewish community. I’m glad that Sara found the strength and courage to leave and live true to herself and her children, with the support of organizations that help people in this position.
I don’t want this to be anyone’s introduction or only source about Judaism. So please, keep in mind the many books about Jewish joy, and pick one of those up as well. If you need a recommendation, see my Jewish Books highlights or reach out.
June 5, 2024
This was an incredibly eye-opening and shocking memoir.
This book recounts the author, Sara Glass's, experience living in an extremely strict Orthodox community (the Gur Hasidic sect) while grappling with achieving her dreams for higher education, becoming independent, and coming to terms with her own sexual identity while also fighting to maintain custody of her children.
I was captivated by Glass's story from the first few pages. I could feel, from the first chapter, the author's guilt, fear, regret and heartbreak, when she spoke of her first girlfriend, Dassa.
And so, Glass fought against her attraction to other women by entering into a loveless arranged marriage at the age of 19 and becoming a mother of two shortly after.
Marriage, however, was not like what Glass imagined. From the uncomfortableness of sex, to the awkward and isolating niddah period (during the monthly cycle when men regard women as impure and untouchable), to her decline in mental and physical health, Glass eventually divorced her husband (which was a battle in itself) at which time she was compelled to sign an agreement promising to raise her children according to Halacha and that if one party is not raising the children according to this strict religious regiment, "custody will be transferred to the other biological parent".
With the constant fear of having her children taken away from her, Glass continued to hide her sexual identity and even remarries - this time to a "Modern Orthodox" from Five Towns.
But the further Glass moved away from the far right of Orthodox Judaism, the more she started questioning and discovering her own identity and working towards becoming more independent and free. The only thing left was for her to fight for her children.
This was an impressive memoir and I commend Glass for her courage to pursue her dreams of obtaining a PhD, embarking on a journey of self-acceptance, surviving trauma and loss, and slowly distancing herself from the oppressive influences of her ultra-conservative religious upbringing.
This book was not only full of vulnerable thoughts, emotions and experiences, but it also provided very interesting information about Hasidic Jewish practices. Prior to reading this book, I had very little knowledge about the Hasidic Jewish community aside from a New York Times article I came across last year regarding the Hasidic private schools' failure to provide basic education. I also had zero knowledge about ultra-Orthodox Jewish practices. So, I was shocked to learn about the author's extremely conservative and oppressive upbringing in modern America. It was also shocking to me how Glass's ex-husband was incapable of making any decisions on his own and relied on his rabbi to help make all of their life decisions (including when to use contraceptives, when to administer an epidural during pregnancy, and whether or not Glass was permitted to pursue higher education).
This was honestly one of the best memoirs I've read. It was very well written, provided great background information for people like me who know next to nothing about Hasidic Judaism, was introspective, and it did not shy away from sharing what I'm sure were highly traumatic memories.
*All quotes are taken from an Advanced Readers Copy and may change prior to the release of the final copy.*
**I received an ARC from the publisher via NetGalley for review consideration, but all opinions are my own.**
*** #41 of my 2024 Popsugar Reading Challenge - A memoir that explores queerness ***
_______________________
If you enjoyed the following memoirs and biographies, then you might like Kissing Girls on Shabbat or vice-versa:
This book recounts the author, Sara Glass's, experience living in an extremely strict Orthodox community (the Gur Hasidic sect) while grappling with achieving her dreams for higher education, becoming independent, and coming to terms with her own sexual identity while also fighting to maintain custody of her children.
I was captivated by Glass's story from the first few pages. I could feel, from the first chapter, the author's guilt, fear, regret and heartbreak, when she spoke of her first girlfriend, Dassa.
Dassa was almost twenty-one and I was nineteen. The only path forward was marriage, to a man, and lots of babies. We would follow the single mold created for adolescent Hasidic girls. Our thing was just a test to be overcome. We never said the worlds out loud. Lesbian, gay, bisexual - those words described sinners, not us.
And so, Glass fought against her attraction to other women by entering into a loveless arranged marriage at the age of 19 and becoming a mother of two shortly after.
I had no justifiable reason to say no. So my answer was yes, because that was what everyone expected of me. Yes, because I needed to get married to meet my mission on earth as child of God. Yes, because no man was ever going to replace Dassa anyway, so why delay the inevitable. It would only become more painful over time. And yes, because he seemed gentle and had nice blue eyes and seemed to really want me to be his wife.
Marriage, however, was not like what Glass imagined. From the uncomfortableness of sex, to the awkward and isolating niddah period (during the monthly cycle when men regard women as impure and untouchable), to her decline in mental and physical health, Glass eventually divorced her husband (which was a battle in itself) at which time she was compelled to sign an agreement promising to raise her children according to Halacha and that if one party is not raising the children according to this strict religious regiment, "custody will be transferred to the other biological parent".
With the constant fear of having her children taken away from her, Glass continued to hide her sexual identity and even remarries - this time to a "Modern Orthodox" from Five Towns.
On the spectrum of Jewish identities, from Hasidic (the most right wing) to secular (far left), the Five Towns was somewhere in the middle/right, what some described as "Modern Orthodox".
But the further Glass moved away from the far right of Orthodox Judaism, the more she started questioning and discovering her own identity and working towards becoming more independent and free. The only thing left was for her to fight for her children.
This was an impressive memoir and I commend Glass for her courage to pursue her dreams of obtaining a PhD, embarking on a journey of self-acceptance, surviving trauma and loss, and slowly distancing herself from the oppressive influences of her ultra-conservative religious upbringing.
This book was not only full of vulnerable thoughts, emotions and experiences, but it also provided very interesting information about Hasidic Jewish practices. Prior to reading this book, I had very little knowledge about the Hasidic Jewish community aside from a New York Times article I came across last year regarding the Hasidic private schools' failure to provide basic education. I also had zero knowledge about ultra-Orthodox Jewish practices. So, I was shocked to learn about the author's extremely conservative and oppressive upbringing in modern America. It was also shocking to me how Glass's ex-husband was incapable of making any decisions on his own and relied on his rabbi to help make all of their life decisions (including when to use contraceptives, when to administer an epidural during pregnancy, and whether or not Glass was permitted to pursue higher education).
This was honestly one of the best memoirs I've read. It was very well written, provided great background information for people like me who know next to nothing about Hasidic Judaism, was introspective, and it did not shy away from sharing what I'm sure were highly traumatic memories.
*All quotes are taken from an Advanced Readers Copy and may change prior to the release of the final copy.*
**I received an ARC from the publisher via NetGalley for review consideration, but all opinions are my own.**
*** #41 of my 2024 Popsugar Reading Challenge - A memoir that explores queerness ***
_______________________
If you enjoyed the following memoirs and biographies, then you might like Kissing Girls on Shabbat or vice-versa:
May 24, 2024
Kissing Girls on Shabbot: A Memoir – Book Review
Dr. Sara Glass opened up her world, her innermost thoughts and the struggle some face while growing up in a Hasidic, ultra-Orthodox Jewish community - and all I can say is wow!
I received this ARC from @simonschusterca and @netgalley, in exchange for my honest review.
I find memoirs so interesting, as the author has taken the time to bring us into their world in order to tell their story. And Dr. Glass’s story is heart-wrenching and eye opening. As somebody who isn’t so familiar with the strict rules and complex conventions of an ultra-Orthodox religion, the reader is immediately brought into this world as we follow along on Dr. Glass’ journey. The rigid guidelines, the instructions from men in power – and those not in power, that dictate how she should live is suffocating. And yet second nature to those all around her.
However, Dr. Glass has a secret, and she will do whatever it takes to protect her children and her family from the fact that she is attracted to women. As we learn, she makes one difficult decision after the other, but as a reader all I felt myself doing was cheering her on. Through her loss and her struggles, I read page after page hoping she finds a way to find peace. Through the fear of losing her children, I hoped she would rise about it. Ultimately, I wanted her to be at peace in her heart and mind and find a way to be herself, without any repercussions to her children.
How can one find a way to hold her beliefs close, while allowing herself happiness? That is the struggle Dr. Glass faces. And one in which she navigates through marriage and divorce and through death and love with courage and tenacity and grace.
I gave this book five-stars. I applaud Dr. Glass for the courage it took to write this, and more so for the bravery she needed to find peace for herself and her children.
#bookreview #booksof2024 #drsaraglass #kissinggirlsonshabbat #memoirs #womenauthors #readmorebooks #reader #bookstagram #bookworm #bookishcanadians #booksofig #bookthoughts #bookaddict #bookrecommendations #simonschusterca #netgalley
Dr. Sara Glass opened up her world, her innermost thoughts and the struggle some face while growing up in a Hasidic, ultra-Orthodox Jewish community - and all I can say is wow!
I received this ARC from @simonschusterca and @netgalley, in exchange for my honest review.
I find memoirs so interesting, as the author has taken the time to bring us into their world in order to tell their story. And Dr. Glass’s story is heart-wrenching and eye opening. As somebody who isn’t so familiar with the strict rules and complex conventions of an ultra-Orthodox religion, the reader is immediately brought into this world as we follow along on Dr. Glass’ journey. The rigid guidelines, the instructions from men in power – and those not in power, that dictate how she should live is suffocating. And yet second nature to those all around her.
However, Dr. Glass has a secret, and she will do whatever it takes to protect her children and her family from the fact that she is attracted to women. As we learn, she makes one difficult decision after the other, but as a reader all I felt myself doing was cheering her on. Through her loss and her struggles, I read page after page hoping she finds a way to find peace. Through the fear of losing her children, I hoped she would rise about it. Ultimately, I wanted her to be at peace in her heart and mind and find a way to be herself, without any repercussions to her children.
How can one find a way to hold her beliefs close, while allowing herself happiness? That is the struggle Dr. Glass faces. And one in which she navigates through marriage and divorce and through death and love with courage and tenacity and grace.
I gave this book five-stars. I applaud Dr. Glass for the courage it took to write this, and more so for the bravery she needed to find peace for herself and her children.
#bookreview #booksof2024 #drsaraglass #kissinggirlsonshabbat #memoirs #womenauthors #readmorebooks #reader #bookstagram #bookworm #bookishcanadians #booksofig #bookthoughts #bookaddict #bookrecommendations #simonschusterca #netgalley
May 28, 2024
Dr. Sara Glass's memoir, "Kissing Girls on Shabbat" shares with readers her darkest realities, greatest joys, and creates a small window into the world of ultra-conservative Orthodox Jewish communities. In a heartbreaking, inspiring story, Glass shares how she learned to stand on her own two feet when her religion and very family turned against her.
"Kissing Girls on Shabbat" is an inspiring celebration of learning to love yourself and becoming everything you've ever wanted to be. Thank you NetGalley and Atria Books for the ARC.
"Kissing Girls on Shabbat" is an inspiring celebration of learning to love yourself and becoming everything you've ever wanted to be. Thank you NetGalley and Atria Books for the ARC.
July 8, 2024
I really wanted to like this one. And I give Glass props for the courage to share this story. As a queer person I want to uplift new queer authors and voices. But I cannot recommend this book because the internalized homophobia is just too much.
Sara Glass is a beautiful writer and the subject matter is close to home. And, although maybe I’ll try to pick it up again, I got more than 75% through the audiobook and just couldn’t continue because I felt..gross… disgusted… This reaction is a testament to both how evocative her writing is and how this book forces the reader to accompany Glass in a journey that wallows in her own disgust at her queerness that was shaped by the community she grew up in.
What got to me was the overwhelming shame that pervades every page (or at least the entirety of what I read) of this book. At the beginning, there are very detailed descriptions of the author’s attraction to/lack of attraction, desire for/lack of desire for, and sex with her first partner Dasa and her first husband. And the thing that bothered me wasn’t that it was graphic (although I guess maybe at a certain point the details of every encounter felt gratuitous and a bit sensationalist), it was the shame that Glass infuses in every detail of those encounters. She forcibly drags the reader through every ounce of guilt, shame, disgust, fear, and you name it negative emotion that her sexual attraction to women and her inability to be a “good wife” caused her. And getting the reader to understand the internalized homophobia might have been the point… but at the same time the experience of reading it made me nauseous.
There have been some really powerful autobiographies by queer authors from individuals who grew up in traditional or religious settings that have come out in the last few years and that I have loved… Becoming Eve, Unicorn etc… and certainly those books also explore those author’s feelings of shame, and so I was trying to identify what made the experience of reading Glass’s book so different for me.
And the answers I’ve come up with are a combination of literary and editing choices as well as feelings of concern about/for the author. Starting with the literary: An autobiography is not a diary. The author doesn’t share every detail of their life from birth to the present; rather, they carefully choose details and experiences to craft a narrative. The author also creates a narrative voice that often reflects the perspective of the author of who they are now in contrast to the character of themselves who is going on the life journey. Especially when telling a story of change—in this case a journey from the teenager who was taught to hate her queerness to the therapist who now advises queer Jewish orthodox teens—emphasizing the differences between who the narrator is now vs the character that reflects who they were then helps show the reader that journey and change. In this book, however, there is little differentiation made between the feelings of Sara Glass the narrator/author and Sara Glass the character. The consequence is that it feels that Sara Glass the author still feels those feelings of shame that she describes in such detail; that, in fact, Glass has not actually changed much from the teen and twenty-something that she is describing.
And truthfully, I really hope that this niggling feeling that Glass still thinks about her own queer desires in this way is simply a result of the narrative choices and poor editing. But, I am left wondering if this shame is actually how Glass still feels about herself. The truth is that after finishing more than 75% of the book, Glass was still talking about her attraction to women with a level of disgust and limited self awareness that made it painful to read… were we actually going to be allowed to see that changed perspective at all? If not, why? Does she perhaps still feel these same things now?
The point at which I stopped reading was The narrative style makes you the reader experience it without distance. And that was the point where I decided that I just couldn’t read anymore. I don’t want to judge her journey. But, there is enough homophobia and misogyny in the broader culture, I don’t need a book that forces me to feel those feelings without added reflection or insight.
And finally, I walk away from this reading experience with concern for the author’s wellbeing and a concern for her patients. Because it was not just the internalized homophobia, it is also the way that she deals with mental health in this book. Glass’s sister has , and the book focuses on her sister’s mental health and Glass’s concern for her sister. But, what about Glass’s mental health? Again, I was 75% through and Glass’s own mental health received limited attention or reflection. There seems to be (as it is written) no self reflection or self awareness at all. Did she ever even get real help from a professional (meaning not someone who solely treats the community she came from and not someone who thinks that being queer is a sin)? Again, 75% through - nope.
I sincerely hope that Glass has sought mental health counseling from a legit practitioner and that the perspectives presented in this book do not reflect how she feels about the world today, and that these issues were all resolved in the last 25% of the book.
Sara Glass is a beautiful writer and the subject matter is close to home. And, although maybe I’ll try to pick it up again, I got more than 75% through the audiobook and just couldn’t continue because I felt..gross… disgusted… This reaction is a testament to both how evocative her writing is and how this book forces the reader to accompany Glass in a journey that wallows in her own disgust at her queerness that was shaped by the community she grew up in.
What got to me was the overwhelming shame that pervades every page (or at least the entirety of what I read) of this book. At the beginning, there are very detailed descriptions of the author’s attraction to/lack of attraction, desire for/lack of desire for, and sex with her first partner Dasa and her first husband. And the thing that bothered me wasn’t that it was graphic (although I guess maybe at a certain point the details of every encounter felt gratuitous and a bit sensationalist), it was the shame that Glass infuses in every detail of those encounters. She forcibly drags the reader through every ounce of guilt, shame, disgust, fear, and you name it negative emotion that her sexual attraction to women and her inability to be a “good wife” caused her. And getting the reader to understand the internalized homophobia might have been the point… but at the same time the experience of reading it made me nauseous.
There have been some really powerful autobiographies by queer authors from individuals who grew up in traditional or religious settings that have come out in the last few years and that I have loved… Becoming Eve, Unicorn etc… and certainly those books also explore those author’s feelings of shame, and so I was trying to identify what made the experience of reading Glass’s book so different for me.
And the answers I’ve come up with are a combination of literary and editing choices as well as feelings of concern about/for the author. Starting with the literary: An autobiography is not a diary. The author doesn’t share every detail of their life from birth to the present; rather, they carefully choose details and experiences to craft a narrative. The author also creates a narrative voice that often reflects the perspective of the author of who they are now in contrast to the character of themselves who is going on the life journey. Especially when telling a story of change—in this case a journey from the teenager who was taught to hate her queerness to the therapist who now advises queer Jewish orthodox teens—emphasizing the differences between who the narrator is now vs the character that reflects who they were then helps show the reader that journey and change. In this book, however, there is little differentiation made between the feelings of Sara Glass the narrator/author and Sara Glass the character. The consequence is that it feels that Sara Glass the author still feels those feelings of shame that she describes in such detail; that, in fact, Glass has not actually changed much from the teen and twenty-something that she is describing.
And truthfully, I really hope that this niggling feeling that Glass still thinks about her own queer desires in this way is simply a result of the narrative choices and poor editing. But, I am left wondering if this shame is actually how Glass still feels about herself. The truth is that after finishing more than 75% of the book, Glass was still talking about her attraction to women with a level of disgust and limited self awareness that made it painful to read… were we actually going to be allowed to see that changed perspective at all? If not, why? Does she perhaps still feel these same things now?
The point at which I stopped reading was The narrative style makes you the reader experience it without distance. And that was the point where I decided that I just couldn’t read anymore. I don’t want to judge her journey. But, there is enough homophobia and misogyny in the broader culture, I don’t need a book that forces me to feel those feelings without added reflection or insight.
And finally, I walk away from this reading experience with concern for the author’s wellbeing and a concern for her patients. Because it was not just the internalized homophobia, it is also the way that she deals with mental health in this book. Glass’s sister has , and the book focuses on her sister’s mental health and Glass’s concern for her sister. But, what about Glass’s mental health? Again, I was 75% through and Glass’s own mental health received limited attention or reflection. There seems to be (as it is written) no self reflection or self awareness at all. Did she ever even get real help from a professional (meaning not someone who solely treats the community she came from and not someone who thinks that being queer is a sin)? Again, 75% through - nope.
I sincerely hope that Glass has sought mental health counseling from a legit practitioner and that the perspectives presented in this book do not reflect how she feels about the world today, and that these issues were all resolved in the last 25% of the book.
July 18, 2024
I have to confess: I have a nosy, verging on rubberneck-y, interest in fundamentalist religious groups. Whether it is the FLDS, the Duggar family, extremely conservative Muslim societies, or even, thanks to "How To Say Babylon," Rastafarianism, I am drawn to learning about the restrictive rules and inflexible attitudes of these communities and especially how they impact young women. Is this fascination a bit squicky? Maybe. I think it developed from my own brush with fundamentalist Christianity as a young teen, although I was fortunately never pulled in too deeply.
"Kissing Girls on Shabbat" is the first book I have read that examines an Orthodox Jewish community, and it was quite compelling. Dr. Sara Glass shares about her experiences as a member of the Gur Hasidic sect, living in Brooklyn and Lakewood, NJ, specifically focusing on how she slowly learned to embrace her queer identity in a religion that doesn't even acknowledge that lesbians exist.
Overall, I found this memoir very interesting and moving. The pacing is good, and I was always eager to read more. Dr. Sara Glass is obviously a very smart and strong woman, and I especially connected with her in her "mama bear" protectiveness of her children, for whose education and freedom she fought so hard.
It feels weird to have "complaints" about a memoir, knowing that it is a work of the heart and that writing it was undoubtedly a difficult, emotional process. Nevertheless, I felt like there were some odd gaps in the narrative that I wished had been filled in. I would have loved it if more of the memoir had focused on Malka's (now going by Sara) childhood and teenhood, when she was in the depths of indoctrination. I am curious about a life that was evidently very restrictive (no television, etc.) but that somehow gave her the latitude to have many opportunities for sexual exploration with other young women. I was also puzzled by how both her mother and her first ex-husband basically disappeared from the narrative for many chapters. I was especially interested in Yossi's role in his children's lives, and you eventually learn a little about it in the last few chapters, as the custody case is being settled, but it was a big blank for the majority of the book. Finally, I really would have loved an epilogue that shared about how her family and orthodox friends reacted to her officially coming out as gay and to writing this book. What did her sisters say?? Her exes? Her ex-in laws? Do her kids still have contact with any of them? I guess that is my nosy, prying side coming out again, but the impact of these types of tell-all books on a private, conservative community is something that interests me. I acknowledge that I am not entitled to any of that info and that Dr. Glass told the story she wanted to tell.
My favorite parts of the book were the beginning, when Dr. Glass briefly describes her childhood and her first marriage, and the end, when she really embraces her sexuality and breaks free from the rabbinical divorce agreement that had controlled her decisions for so long. The middle section felt a little long and repetitive. I realize that she was in a very difficult position of not being able to admit to being (or even explore being) a lesbian for fear of reprisal from her first ex-husband and community, but all of the lying and emotional/actual cheating made me uncomfortable.
I would recommend this memoir to fans of "Educated," "How to Say Babylon," and "Counting the Cost." I loved that Dr. Glass mentioned Lamya H., author of "Hijab Butch Blues," in her acknowledgements. "Hijab Butch Blues" is one of the best memoirs I have ever read. "Kissing Girls on Shabat" is a solid read, especially if you are interested in religion, LGBTQ stories, and motherhood.
"Kissing Girls on Shabbat" is the first book I have read that examines an Orthodox Jewish community, and it was quite compelling. Dr. Sara Glass shares about her experiences as a member of the Gur Hasidic sect, living in Brooklyn and Lakewood, NJ, specifically focusing on how she slowly learned to embrace her queer identity in a religion that doesn't even acknowledge that lesbians exist.
Overall, I found this memoir very interesting and moving. The pacing is good, and I was always eager to read more. Dr. Sara Glass is obviously a very smart and strong woman, and I especially connected with her in her "mama bear" protectiveness of her children, for whose education and freedom she fought so hard.
It feels weird to have "complaints" about a memoir, knowing that it is a work of the heart and that writing it was undoubtedly a difficult, emotional process. Nevertheless, I felt like there were some odd gaps in the narrative that I wished had been filled in. I would have loved it if more of the memoir had focused on Malka's (now going by Sara) childhood and teenhood, when she was in the depths of indoctrination. I am curious about a life that was evidently very restrictive (no television, etc.) but that somehow gave her the latitude to have many opportunities for sexual exploration with other young women. I was also puzzled by how both her mother and her first ex-husband basically disappeared from the narrative for many chapters. I was especially interested in Yossi's role in his children's lives, and you eventually learn a little about it in the last few chapters, as the custody case is being settled, but it was a big blank for the majority of the book. Finally, I really would have loved an epilogue that shared about how her family and orthodox friends reacted to her officially coming out as gay and to writing this book. What did her sisters say?? Her exes? Her ex-in laws? Do her kids still have contact with any of them? I guess that is my nosy, prying side coming out again, but the impact of these types of tell-all books on a private, conservative community is something that interests me. I acknowledge that I am not entitled to any of that info and that Dr. Glass told the story she wanted to tell.
My favorite parts of the book were the beginning, when Dr. Glass briefly describes her childhood and her first marriage, and the end, when she really embraces her sexuality and breaks free from the rabbinical divorce agreement that had controlled her decisions for so long. The middle section felt a little long and repetitive. I realize that she was in a very difficult position of not being able to admit to being (or even explore being) a lesbian for fear of reprisal from her first ex-husband and community, but all of the lying and emotional/actual cheating made me uncomfortable.
I would recommend this memoir to fans of "Educated," "How to Say Babylon," and "Counting the Cost." I loved that Dr. Glass mentioned Lamya H., author of "Hijab Butch Blues," in her acknowledgements. "Hijab Butch Blues" is one of the best memoirs I have ever read. "Kissing Girls on Shabat" is a solid read, especially if you are interested in religion, LGBTQ stories, and motherhood.
Read
June 14, 2024When author Sara Glass was married at 19 in an arranged Hasidic marriage, she didn't quite realize she was a lesbian, even though she'd had multiple same-sex relationships.
In her new book, she traces her journey of exploring and coming to terms with her sexuality, a journey that included two marriages to men and her fight to maintain custody of her children.
Glass told me that by sharing her story, she hopes to help LGBTQ Haredi young people learn from her experiences. “I almost wanted to write it as a PSA: you cannot marry away the gay,” she said. “It’s not going to work!”
Read the full article in Shtetl, a recently launched news outlet that covers ultra-Orthodox Jewish communities like hers:
https://www.shtetl.org/article/kissin...
In her new book, she traces her journey of exploring and coming to terms with her sexuality, a journey that included two marriages to men and her fight to maintain custody of her children.
Glass told me that by sharing her story, she hopes to help LGBTQ Haredi young people learn from her experiences. “I almost wanted to write it as a PSA: you cannot marry away the gay,” she said. “It’s not going to work!”
Read the full article in Shtetl, a recently launched news outlet that covers ultra-Orthodox Jewish communities like hers:
https://www.shtetl.org/article/kissin...
June 9, 2024
This is the memoir of a woman that was born and raised in a New York fundamentalist Jewish sect known as the Hasidic community. Sara convinced herself that she was bisexual early in life but finally acknowledged that she was truly a lesbian. Having had two children, much of the story revolves around her struggles to ensure custody following her first divorce. There is much drama, perhaps too much for the average reader. XOXOXOs to the author, Dr. Sara Glass, for sharing her story:)
Note: This review is based on an Advance Reader's Edition received through goodreads.com.
Note: This review is based on an Advance Reader's Edition received through goodreads.com.
July 4, 2024
My take on this book is in one way or another it will touch you some how and you will walk away wanting to improve or breakthrough weather that be you sexuality, marriage status, religious beliefs and breaking away from it, or your struggle with past traumas or mental health.Although so sad and hard to read during certain parts, I think Everyone should read this book. It will make me a stronger person in the end
July 9, 2024
Finished this book in one day. A powerful memoir about religious misogyny, grief, and the hurdles a woman has to overcome to be her true self in a fundamentalist community. Loved loved loved it. A must read.
June 15, 2024
Could not put this down. Such a beautiful memoir.
July 10, 2024
A beautiful, well-written memoir of leaving the Hasidic community and thriving.
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