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Troubled
In this raw coming-of-age memoir, in the vein of The Short and Tragic Life of Robert Peace, The Other Wes Moore, and Someone Has Led This Child to Believe, Rob Henderson vividly recounts growing up in foster care, enlisting in the US Air Force, attending elite universities, and pioneering the concept of “luxury beliefs”—ideas and opinions that confer status on the upper class while inflicting costs on the less fortunate.
Rob Henderson was born to a drug-addicted mother and a father he never met, ultimately shuttling between ten different foster homes in California. When he was adopted into a loving family, he hoped that life would finally be stable and safe. Divorce, tragedy, poverty, and violence marked his adolescent and teen years, propelling Henderson to join the military upon completing high school.
An unflinching portrait of shattered families, desperation, and determination, Troubled recounts Henderson’s expectation-defying young life and juxtaposes his story with those of his friends who wound up incarcerated or killed. He retreads the steps and missteps he took to escape the drama and disorder of his youth. As he navigates the peaks and valleys of social class, Henderson finds that he remains on the outside looking in. His greatest achievements—a military career, an undergraduate education from Yale, a PhD from Cambridge—feel like hollow measures of success. He argues that stability at home is more important than external accomplishments, and he illustrates the ways the most privileged among us benefit from a set of social standards that actively harm the most vulnerable.
Rob Henderson was born to a drug-addicted mother and a father he never met, ultimately shuttling between ten different foster homes in California. When he was adopted into a loving family, he hoped that life would finally be stable and safe. Divorce, tragedy, poverty, and violence marked his adolescent and teen years, propelling Henderson to join the military upon completing high school.
An unflinching portrait of shattered families, desperation, and determination, Troubled recounts Henderson’s expectation-defying young life and juxtaposes his story with those of his friends who wound up incarcerated or killed. He retreads the steps and missteps he took to escape the drama and disorder of his youth. As he navigates the peaks and valleys of social class, Henderson finds that he remains on the outside looking in. His greatest achievements—a military career, an undergraduate education from Yale, a PhD from Cambridge—feel like hollow measures of success. He argues that stability at home is more important than external accomplishments, and he illustrates the ways the most privileged among us benefit from a set of social standards that actively harm the most vulnerable.
336 pages, Hardcover
First published February 20, 2024
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February 18, 2024
Troubled, the part memoir, part manifesto from Rob Henderson is a fascinatingly structured book, softening the reader up with two hundred pages about his undeniably harrowing childhood and adolescence, adding some reasonable analysis of the importance of children growing up in stable, loving family units, before hammering them with his half-baked hypothesis about class.
Each chapter is written from the perspective of Henderson at a different ages, from very young childhood to late twenties, and the author makes it clear from the outset that he will leave the analysis and reflection to the later chapters because this is the point at which he had the distance, knowledge and understanding to reflect on what had happened to him and what his experiences represented for society more broadly. His story of being shuttled between overcrowded foster homes, and then of the series of misfortunes that befell him after being adopted, is both heartwrenching and compelling. Henderson's points about the importance of firm boundaries, high expectations and secure attachment are eminently sensible and backed by not only anecdotes from his own life and his friends' lives but by comprehensive research.
The main theme which underpins Henderson’s recollections of his early life is family, and the importance of stability and security to children growing up. He rallies against schemes aimed at helping young people from disadvantaged communities get into college, for example, citing considerable research suggesting that educational opportunities cannot make up for a chaotic homelife. However, while he is very clear on what is not helping these children to be happy and fulfilled, he fails to posit any solutions to what he believes is the biggest problem afflicting poor Americans.
Henderson makes interesting observations about 'trickle-down meritocracy' at top universities, whereby positive discrimination policies have been put in place to address the lack of diversity (racial and economic) in the hope that the advantages these chosen members of a community accrue will ultimately benefit their whole community. But then, seemingly without irony, he writes that, 'Representation certainly benefits a handful of people who are chosen to enter elite spaces, but it doesn't seem to improve the lives of the dispossessed. In fact, it might backfire. Elite institutions strip-mine talented people out of their communities. Upon completing their education, most of these graduates do not return to their old neighborhoods. Instead, they relocate to a handful of cities where they live alongside their highly educated peers, eroding the bonds of solidarity they had with those they left behind. And who could blame them? It is reasonable to use your talents to advance your career and financial prospects. But if the original intent was to help languishing communities, then this particular solution is failing.' It is unclear how he squares this belief with the hope that children will be inspired by his story, which can only be heard because he wae selected for these opportunities.
I had not read Henderson’s 2018 New York Times op-ed Luxury beliefs are the latest status symbol for rich Americans prior to beginning Troubled - possibly because, to paraphrase Henderson, I don't have 'the kind of job that allows you to browse Twitter' or affords you the time to 'stay current on the proper way to think about social issues.' Thus, I came into Henderson’s book under-prepared: I expected a memoir but wasn't ready for the proselytising.
Henderson’s theory about luxury beliefs evolved from Thorstein Veblen's The Theory of the Leisure Class (1899), his angle being that in the 21st century, rather than indulging in frivolous, economically unproductive hobbies such as golf or beagling, the upper class fritters their time away thinking about the irrelevance of religion, cultural appropriation, and the legalisation of drugs, amongst other ideas which ordinary people cannot spare a thought for because 'they have real problems to worry about.'
According to Henderson, the only reason why anyone would hold these beliefs is to show off their class and education to their peers, just as one might flaunt a designer handbag or expensive car. Somehow, he is able to categorically know that no one has come to these conclusions through their own research, or that they truly understand the stances they are endorsing.
Henderson glibly muses that, 'Maybe the luxury belief class is ignorant of the realities of who is most harmed by crime. Or perhaps they don't care that the poor will become even more victimized than they already are.' And yet, a cursory amount of reading would reveal that the American War on Drugs, to use an example of a policy counter to one of Henderson’s luxury beliefs, is responsible for swollen prison populations, single parent families and millions of families ruined by addiction. This is just one example of Henderson’s argument seeming under-researched and flawed. He just isn't that informed about some of the issues that are central to his hypothesis, he makes lazy presumptions about the net benefit of ideas he supports, and his ignorance only serves to patronise those whom he purports to speak for.
Henderson’s theory is littered with contradictions; it is painfully ironic that the people who would have the time to read his op-ed, his newsletter and his book, and to ruminate on his ideas, are the very same people he decries. At the time of writing, he has spent time in poor working class communities, in the United States Air Force, and at some of the world's top academic enclaves. How does he know what 'ordinary' people believe about these issues? The rigour of his research into the role of the family has been replaced by anecdotal evidence camouflaged by statistics, and, while I do not dispute that he observed a correlation between students from specific backgrounds subscribing to specific views, this does not prove causation. Indeed, if Henderson were to spend time in a town with similar deprivation markers to his adopted hometown of Red Bluff, but with a predominantly Black population, he would likely find support for the idea of police reform. Furthermore, in having the time to conjecture on his ideas whilst pursuing a PhD at Cambridge University, has Henderson himself not become one of the elites he so despises?
Georges Prat, a Canadian criminal lawyer, writing for Medium in 2021, had this to say of Henderson’s hypothesis:
If I were to guess, I’d say Henderson is simply a highly conservative person who arrived at university and hadn’t been in touch with left-wing woke politics prior to that. He had a strong sense of certainty in his own views, so when he encountered opposing views, he didn’t even bother entertaining them to evaluate their merits. Instead, he dismissed them as nonsense. After that, he had to find a way to reconcile the apparent intelligence of his peers with the “nonsense” views they held... One gets the sense he feels so certain in the correctness of his conservative views that he came up with a way to explain away the opposing views held by his university peers, i.e. “they only believe that because they’re affluent status seekers displaying their luxury beliefs as a way to move up the social hierarchy. Obviously the ideas themselves have no merit.'
It is a shame that Henderson chose to conclude his book with his soap-boxing, as the rest of the book is moving and rousing.
Thank you to NetGalley and Swift Press for the opportunity to read and review an ARC of this book.
Each chapter is written from the perspective of Henderson at a different ages, from very young childhood to late twenties, and the author makes it clear from the outset that he will leave the analysis and reflection to the later chapters because this is the point at which he had the distance, knowledge and understanding to reflect on what had happened to him and what his experiences represented for society more broadly. His story of being shuttled between overcrowded foster homes, and then of the series of misfortunes that befell him after being adopted, is both heartwrenching and compelling. Henderson's points about the importance of firm boundaries, high expectations and secure attachment are eminently sensible and backed by not only anecdotes from his own life and his friends' lives but by comprehensive research.
The main theme which underpins Henderson’s recollections of his early life is family, and the importance of stability and security to children growing up. He rallies against schemes aimed at helping young people from disadvantaged communities get into college, for example, citing considerable research suggesting that educational opportunities cannot make up for a chaotic homelife. However, while he is very clear on what is not helping these children to be happy and fulfilled, he fails to posit any solutions to what he believes is the biggest problem afflicting poor Americans.
Henderson makes interesting observations about 'trickle-down meritocracy' at top universities, whereby positive discrimination policies have been put in place to address the lack of diversity (racial and economic) in the hope that the advantages these chosen members of a community accrue will ultimately benefit their whole community. But then, seemingly without irony, he writes that, 'Representation certainly benefits a handful of people who are chosen to enter elite spaces, but it doesn't seem to improve the lives of the dispossessed. In fact, it might backfire. Elite institutions strip-mine talented people out of their communities. Upon completing their education, most of these graduates do not return to their old neighborhoods. Instead, they relocate to a handful of cities where they live alongside their highly educated peers, eroding the bonds of solidarity they had with those they left behind. And who could blame them? It is reasonable to use your talents to advance your career and financial prospects. But if the original intent was to help languishing communities, then this particular solution is failing.' It is unclear how he squares this belief with the hope that children will be inspired by his story, which can only be heard because he wae selected for these opportunities.
I had not read Henderson’s 2018 New York Times op-ed Luxury beliefs are the latest status symbol for rich Americans prior to beginning Troubled - possibly because, to paraphrase Henderson, I don't have 'the kind of job that allows you to browse Twitter' or affords you the time to 'stay current on the proper way to think about social issues.' Thus, I came into Henderson’s book under-prepared: I expected a memoir but wasn't ready for the proselytising.
Henderson’s theory about luxury beliefs evolved from Thorstein Veblen's The Theory of the Leisure Class (1899), his angle being that in the 21st century, rather than indulging in frivolous, economically unproductive hobbies such as golf or beagling, the upper class fritters their time away thinking about the irrelevance of religion, cultural appropriation, and the legalisation of drugs, amongst other ideas which ordinary people cannot spare a thought for because 'they have real problems to worry about.'
According to Henderson, the only reason why anyone would hold these beliefs is to show off their class and education to their peers, just as one might flaunt a designer handbag or expensive car. Somehow, he is able to categorically know that no one has come to these conclusions through their own research, or that they truly understand the stances they are endorsing.
Henderson glibly muses that, 'Maybe the luxury belief class is ignorant of the realities of who is most harmed by crime. Or perhaps they don't care that the poor will become even more victimized than they already are.' And yet, a cursory amount of reading would reveal that the American War on Drugs, to use an example of a policy counter to one of Henderson’s luxury beliefs, is responsible for swollen prison populations, single parent families and millions of families ruined by addiction. This is just one example of Henderson’s argument seeming under-researched and flawed. He just isn't that informed about some of the issues that are central to his hypothesis, he makes lazy presumptions about the net benefit of ideas he supports, and his ignorance only serves to patronise those whom he purports to speak for.
Henderson’s theory is littered with contradictions; it is painfully ironic that the people who would have the time to read his op-ed, his newsletter and his book, and to ruminate on his ideas, are the very same people he decries. At the time of writing, he has spent time in poor working class communities, in the United States Air Force, and at some of the world's top academic enclaves. How does he know what 'ordinary' people believe about these issues? The rigour of his research into the role of the family has been replaced by anecdotal evidence camouflaged by statistics, and, while I do not dispute that he observed a correlation between students from specific backgrounds subscribing to specific views, this does not prove causation. Indeed, if Henderson were to spend time in a town with similar deprivation markers to his adopted hometown of Red Bluff, but with a predominantly Black population, he would likely find support for the idea of police reform. Furthermore, in having the time to conjecture on his ideas whilst pursuing a PhD at Cambridge University, has Henderson himself not become one of the elites he so despises?
Georges Prat, a Canadian criminal lawyer, writing for Medium in 2021, had this to say of Henderson’s hypothesis:
If I were to guess, I’d say Henderson is simply a highly conservative person who arrived at university and hadn’t been in touch with left-wing woke politics prior to that. He had a strong sense of certainty in his own views, so when he encountered opposing views, he didn’t even bother entertaining them to evaluate their merits. Instead, he dismissed them as nonsense. After that, he had to find a way to reconcile the apparent intelligence of his peers with the “nonsense” views they held... One gets the sense he feels so certain in the correctness of his conservative views that he came up with a way to explain away the opposing views held by his university peers, i.e. “they only believe that because they’re affluent status seekers displaying their luxury beliefs as a way to move up the social hierarchy. Obviously the ideas themselves have no merit.'
It is a shame that Henderson chose to conclude his book with his soap-boxing, as the rest of the book is moving and rousing.
Thank you to NetGalley and Swift Press for the opportunity to read and review an ARC of this book.
April 6, 2024
The memoir portion of this is fine, but this book isn’t really about the memoir; instead Henderson uses his difficult life story to soften readers up for the last 70 pages, which are a poorly-thought-out screed against so-called liberal elites and woke politics, though with the serial numbers filed off because he’s trying to get one over on the reader. The primary goal of this book seems to be pretending that social justice is just a rich people affectation that even they don’t really believe, in the usual vein of Republicans who are struggling mightily to convince the electorate that they are the ones here for the little guy, but who have no solutions to offer, only rants about liberal values destroying America.
And look, as far as Henderson’s life story goes, it’s compelling: after being removed from his mother’s care at age 3 due to her drug addiction (she was subsequently deported to South Korea), he bounced around in the foster care system for several years, before being adopted by a family that wound up disintegrating soon afterwards. This chaos and instability left him a troubled and troublemaking teenager, until he joined the Air Force, dealt with the alcohol abuse he was using to deal with his pain, and finally got into Yale. He’s a good storyteller, it’s engaging and fast reading, and if the purpose of this book was just to tell his story, or to comment on foster care, adoption, and the effects of a traumatic childhood, this would be a pretty good book. I feel for the guy’s rough life, and he does a strong job of communicating his emotions to the reader.
Unfortunately, the personal story turns out to be the Trojan horse for his half-baked political message, disguised as a message about social class. Henderson wants the reader to believe (presumably because, as he indicates, his intended audience is disaffected young men unengaged with politics) that Yale undergraduates represent the rich as a whole, and that progressives are all wealthy while conservatives represent everyday, hardworking folk. Here, take a look at actual partisan leanings by wealth: Democratic preference is relatively consistent across income tiers, but slightly more common amongst the poorest Americans (50%, vs. 44% among the richest), while Republican preference is least common amongst the poor (27%) and most among the rich (47%). The one thing I guess he gets right is the significant numbers of the poor (23%) with no preference, as opposed to 10% of the wealthy. But his vision of the world, in which Republican elites don’t exist and only Ivy Leaguers care about social justice, is hogwash.
Henderson’s thesis is that woke politics are “luxury beliefs,” or something only rich people believe but which hurt the poor. He pretends this isn’t a partisan analysis, but mysteriously only progressive beliefs are ever targeted: don’t hold your breath waiting to hear about rich people who totally oppose government handouts while raking in the subsidies and tax breaks, or advocating for abortion bans that they and their families can just travel to avoid. Nope, his primary bugbear is…. acceptance of single parenting.
No, seriously. Single parenting is definitely the biggest problem in America today, if you ask Rob Henderson. And it’s true that better-off Americans are more likely to be raised by both parents, which in turn better positions them for success. According to Henderson, the culprit for this state of affairs is privileged undergraduates who think different family structures are acceptable, while meanwhile, planning for traditional families themselves. Hypocrites! says Henderson. Don’t they know true belief means demanding everyone else do exactly what you do? (I just got some unexpected insight into the crowd that claimed gay marriage would destroy straight marriage. Of course, unlike gay marriage, single parenting is probably the intended life plan of few of the people who wind up doing it.) Obviously, if rich kids condemned single parenting with sufficient verve, poor adults would stay in lousy relationships and thus we’d be back to the idyllic(?) 1950s. It can’t be about falling real wages among the working classes while the rich get richer (you’d think this might come up in a book purporting to criticize the rich, but it doesn’t because Henderson only criticizes the rich to the extent they are progressive). It can’t be about mass incarceration separating families and making low-income men worse marriage prospects. It definitely wouldn’t be helped by expanding access to birth control so women in marginal relationships could avoid unintended pregnancy. Nope—clearly the problem is the rich being insufficiently judgmental of the poor.
The rest of his arguments are along the same line. Poor Americans are obese because fit college students endorse body positivity. No suggestions that we should limit what can be put in food, or do anything about food deserts, or walkability of cities and neighborhoods, or look into overeating as an addiction—shaming is definitely the solution to this problem (of course he doesn’t realize that opposition to fat shaming grew out of the fact that people engage in it all the time, which has not stopped Americans from getting fatter). He also thinks it’s total hypocrisy that wealthy Americans are slightly more likely to endorse defunding the police than the poor, who are more often victimized—apparently missing that the rich are less often victimized because the police are working for them, and also that very few proponents want to actually abolish the police, as opposed to reform.
And I should say, I don’t even disagree with everything Henderson says. He critiques the excesses of the campus safe-space movement, which I think most grown adults would agree are excessive (no word on the book banning movement though, or any other suppression of ideas from the right). He questions wealthy people leaning hard on whatever marginalized identity they possess, and I agree there’s a tendency among many to focus on every other identity rather than grappling with economic inequality (but then, Henderson makes no proposals for reducing economic inequality either, nor even acknowledges the existence of racism, despite being Asian-American himself. But of course, he’s writing for a conservative, white audience). He points out that some people endorse the party line publicly while admitting a different opinion in private (which is definitely true on both sides the more tribal our politics become, but then Henderson has no comment on Republicans or the existence of the culture wars, because he wants you to think progressives just randomly became hardcore to show off).
Ultimately, this book is a con. I’ll be interested to see whether Henderson ultimately uses it to parley a place on the conservative talk show circuit like his mentor Jordan Peterson (whose endorsement his website trumpets), or to run for office like the vile J.D. Vance (credited in the acknowledgments, and who also used a memoir this way). But I certainly can’t recommend it. If you’re here for a story of childhood abandonment, trauma and recovery, check out What My Bones Know instead. Or if you want to read about actual policies and practices that keep people poor, try Poverty, by America. Also, see this review from a writer whose life experience parallels Henderson’s.
And look, as far as Henderson’s life story goes, it’s compelling: after being removed from his mother’s care at age 3 due to her drug addiction (she was subsequently deported to South Korea), he bounced around in the foster care system for several years, before being adopted by a family that wound up disintegrating soon afterwards. This chaos and instability left him a troubled and troublemaking teenager, until he joined the Air Force, dealt with the alcohol abuse he was using to deal with his pain, and finally got into Yale. He’s a good storyteller, it’s engaging and fast reading, and if the purpose of this book was just to tell his story, or to comment on foster care, adoption, and the effects of a traumatic childhood, this would be a pretty good book. I feel for the guy’s rough life, and he does a strong job of communicating his emotions to the reader.
Unfortunately, the personal story turns out to be the Trojan horse for his half-baked political message, disguised as a message about social class. Henderson wants the reader to believe (presumably because, as he indicates, his intended audience is disaffected young men unengaged with politics) that Yale undergraduates represent the rich as a whole, and that progressives are all wealthy while conservatives represent everyday, hardworking folk. Here, take a look at actual partisan leanings by wealth: Democratic preference is relatively consistent across income tiers, but slightly more common amongst the poorest Americans (50%, vs. 44% among the richest), while Republican preference is least common amongst the poor (27%) and most among the rich (47%). The one thing I guess he gets right is the significant numbers of the poor (23%) with no preference, as opposed to 10% of the wealthy. But his vision of the world, in which Republican elites don’t exist and only Ivy Leaguers care about social justice, is hogwash.
Henderson’s thesis is that woke politics are “luxury beliefs,” or something only rich people believe but which hurt the poor. He pretends this isn’t a partisan analysis, but mysteriously only progressive beliefs are ever targeted: don’t hold your breath waiting to hear about rich people who totally oppose government handouts while raking in the subsidies and tax breaks, or advocating for abortion bans that they and their families can just travel to avoid. Nope, his primary bugbear is…. acceptance of single parenting.
No, seriously. Single parenting is definitely the biggest problem in America today, if you ask Rob Henderson. And it’s true that better-off Americans are more likely to be raised by both parents, which in turn better positions them for success. According to Henderson, the culprit for this state of affairs is privileged undergraduates who think different family structures are acceptable, while meanwhile, planning for traditional families themselves. Hypocrites! says Henderson. Don’t they know true belief means demanding everyone else do exactly what you do? (I just got some unexpected insight into the crowd that claimed gay marriage would destroy straight marriage. Of course, unlike gay marriage, single parenting is probably the intended life plan of few of the people who wind up doing it.) Obviously, if rich kids condemned single parenting with sufficient verve, poor adults would stay in lousy relationships and thus we’d be back to the idyllic(?) 1950s. It can’t be about falling real wages among the working classes while the rich get richer (you’d think this might come up in a book purporting to criticize the rich, but it doesn’t because Henderson only criticizes the rich to the extent they are progressive). It can’t be about mass incarceration separating families and making low-income men worse marriage prospects. It definitely wouldn’t be helped by expanding access to birth control so women in marginal relationships could avoid unintended pregnancy. Nope—clearly the problem is the rich being insufficiently judgmental of the poor.
The rest of his arguments are along the same line. Poor Americans are obese because fit college students endorse body positivity. No suggestions that we should limit what can be put in food, or do anything about food deserts, or walkability of cities and neighborhoods, or look into overeating as an addiction—shaming is definitely the solution to this problem (of course he doesn’t realize that opposition to fat shaming grew out of the fact that people engage in it all the time, which has not stopped Americans from getting fatter). He also thinks it’s total hypocrisy that wealthy Americans are slightly more likely to endorse defunding the police than the poor, who are more often victimized—apparently missing that the rich are less often victimized because the police are working for them, and also that very few proponents want to actually abolish the police, as opposed to reform.
And I should say, I don’t even disagree with everything Henderson says. He critiques the excesses of the campus safe-space movement, which I think most grown adults would agree are excessive (no word on the book banning movement though, or any other suppression of ideas from the right). He questions wealthy people leaning hard on whatever marginalized identity they possess, and I agree there’s a tendency among many to focus on every other identity rather than grappling with economic inequality (but then, Henderson makes no proposals for reducing economic inequality either, nor even acknowledges the existence of racism, despite being Asian-American himself. But of course, he’s writing for a conservative, white audience). He points out that some people endorse the party line publicly while admitting a different opinion in private (which is definitely true on both sides the more tribal our politics become, but then Henderson has no comment on Republicans or the existence of the culture wars, because he wants you to think progressives just randomly became hardcore to show off).
Ultimately, this book is a con. I’ll be interested to see whether Henderson ultimately uses it to parley a place on the conservative talk show circuit like his mentor Jordan Peterson (whose endorsement his website trumpets), or to run for office like the vile J.D. Vance (credited in the acknowledgments, and who also used a memoir this way). But I certainly can’t recommend it. If you’re here for a story of childhood abandonment, trauma and recovery, check out What My Bones Know instead. Or if you want to read about actual policies and practices that keep people poor, try Poverty, by America. Also, see this review from a writer whose life experience parallels Henderson’s.
March 13, 2024
In the last few years I’ve realized that although we might not always understand their purpose, our cultural norms provide solutions to problems we once struggled with as a society. Our norms, habits and traditions exist for a reason, and western countries are bastions of individual freedom and liberty, at least compared to historical standards, precisely because we have a framework that allows us to work together and thrive. Some of the most prevalent norms may include,
Religion and community
Treatment of the poor and downtrodden
Worker’s rights
The rule of law
Hiring norms
Educational standards
The institution of marriage
A respect for foreign cultures
And so forth…
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I originally published this review on my Substack The Unhedged Capitalist - check out that article to read this review with images and better formatting...
https://theunhedgedcapitalist.substac...
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We may not always grok what a cultural norm is meant to accomplish, but that doesn’t mean they don’t serve a purpose. For example, we’ve recently seen famous atheists like Richard Dawkins backtrack on their aggressive goal of secularizing the west. Dawkins and others have realized that convincing Americans and Europeans to give up their religion isn’t going to lead to another enlightenment period.
In practice, without a Christian framework to guide their actions people can be tempted to adopt other, darker creeds. Adrift in nihilistic modernity, Johnny starts calling himself Jenny and gets it into her head to throw soup on the Mona Lisa because she wants to change the weather. This might generously be called a de-evolution in our societal arc.
Structure is another often underappreciated service that culture can provide. For instance, not so long ago I read about the daily existence of medieval Europeans. While these societies had many problems: tyranny, unaccountable leaders, working class exploitation, etc., in some ways our distant ancestors enjoyed a certain stability that’s largely unavailable today.
A man studied as an apprentice until he’d learned a skill to mastery, at which point he was all but guaranteed steady employment for the rest of his life. A blacksmith need not fear redundancy. In our modern society it’s hard to know what skills will be valued ten or twenty years in the future. Just a few years ago computer programming seemed like one of the best jobs to pursue, but now ChatGPT has thrown that career path into flux. Our sense of security and continuity has been shattered, and people have begun to act strange because of it.
Structure and stability isn’t just necessary on the macro level though. As Rob Henderson points out, structure is incredibly important for kids too. Children who grow up in a chaotic environment like the foster care system are more likely to go prison, get addicted to drugs and/or to have unhealthy relationships in their adult life.
Rob would know. Rob’s childhood was like living inside a washing machine. Ten different families, if I remember correctly, before finally being adopted by his mother. There was never a longstanding father either. After Rob’s adopted parents divorced his father refused to speak with Rob to enact grim revenge on his mother. I cannot conceive of how awful that must have felt. This is but one scene of many, revealing to us the hellishly unstable childhood that Rob miraculously extricated himself from.
As with any good memoir, Rob is admirably honest in this book. To such an extent that several scenes evoked a temporary dislike for our author. I was particularly pissed when Rob took a baseball bat out of his trunk and smashed the windshield of a random person’s car. Logically I knew why he’d done it; an extreme childhood and an unhealthy relationship with emotions, but logic didn’t make that brief story any more palatable. Nor was it easy to read about the jarring events that brought Rob to a point where smashing windshields seemed like a thing one ought to do. Troubled is not always a pleasant book to read, but it is very well-written.
If you’re familiar with Rob Henderson it’s probably because of his brilliant “luxury beliefs” framework. Luxury beliefs, as defined by Rob, are “ideas and opinions that confer status on the upper class at little cost, while often inflicting costs on the lower classes.”
When weighing the decision to purchase Troubled you should know that the book is first and foremost a recounting of Rob’s childhood in the foster care system. The theory of luxury beliefs fills but a smallish number of pages near the end of the book. At least, that’s one way of looking at it. Another interpretation is that the entire memoir is about luxury beliefs, as we gradually discover the two decades of instability that gave Rob a framework to interpret the anti-logic value systems of his upper class compatriots at Yale.
For an example of this anti-logic value system please consider this choice moment in which Rob learns, much to his amazement, that he’s too privileged!!! to understand the emotional atrocity a professor has committed by suggesting that, hold on tight please, students should figure out their own Halloween costumes without the administration getting involved.
Notice that the definition of a luxury belief contains two parts.
A thing believed by the upper class.
A thing which inflicts a cost on the lower class.
Here’s an example of the second point. Rob discovered that most of the students at Yale were in excellent physical shape. Despite their below-average BMIs, when queried about health and fitness these skinny Jimmies and waifish Wandas regurgitated gibberish about how we can’t have any fat shaming and how it’s critical that we celebrate alternative lifestyles. Of course these students don’t want to be obese, but they’re happy to encourage others to be.
The same phenomenon holds true for marriage. Students claimed that the institution of marriage is outdated, yet an overwhelming majority of them benefitted from growing up in a two parent household. Furthermore, when pressed for details most students acknowledged their intention to get married. The students want a stable home life, but if other people who aren’t them want to have kids out of wedlock, we should encourage that.
Not to sound too dramatic, but isn’t this all kind of… evil? The ostensible elites, the theoretical leaders of our society, are eating healthy and getting married while prattling on about how it’s cool to be fat and have a kid out of wedlock. If one were to be especially cynical, you might even say that this is all done deliberately. The elites feel threatened because there are too many of them (see my review of End Times and the theory of elite overproduction) so they espouse ideas that will remove other people from the competition pool.
One could conclude that if you did the opposite of everything the elites suggest, after a few years your life would be pretty damn good!
At this juncture we might ask: how did we get here? Why now?
We return to our theme of cultural norms. Society requires a way for the elites to differentiate themselves from working and middle class folk. A high status marker may be noxious, like riding in a palanquin carried by eight slaves. Or it may be relatively benign, like driving a Cadillac instead of a Ford.
Historically our elites used luxury products like expensive cars, trendy vacations and large homes as a way to peacock their status. The problem, as Rob formulates it, is that luxury goods have lost their luster. Driving a Cadillac in 1960 was kind of a big deal… Today, not so much. My childhood neighbor Mrs. Sweetman drove a Cadillac, an expensive one too, and she taught 11th grade social studies.
As luxury goods have become more widely available, the elites and elite aspirants have had to devise other ways to draw a line between themselves and the unwashed masses. Enter luxury beliefs. The elites love these beliefs because they do two things. They fend off the unenlightened commoners, and they come impregnated with moral superiority too!
Students at elite universities aren’t being taught to hone their minds; they’re learning how to speak and act in ways that signal their status. When an employer like Google wants to hire someone they can’t ask if they’ve come from an upper class background, but they can demand that every job applicant write a five-hundred word essay about intersectionality.
Afterwards the HR department can quickly create two piles. Those who’ve answered the question correctly, and then the rejects who jotted down the perfectly reasonable reply of: what in the unholiest of gibberish hells are you speaking of?
After I finished reading Troubled I had a thought... You could give this book to a friend or family member who you’ve tragically lost to the current thing. You know the guy, “we have to save Ukraine!” But he can’t find the European continent on a map if you gave him three tries.
Or the gal who’s out marching for queers for Palestine, because reasons… Rob Henderson’s memoir is a brilliant sneak attack because you can slide it in under the radar. Rob is a mixed race Latino and Korean man from California. He grew up in foster care, graduated from Yale and has been published in the New York Times.
These things do not change how I think about Rob or his book. I am (and you probably are too) mercifully blessed with an ability to measure a person’s merits based on the quality of their ideas, not the color of their skin, sexual orientation or matriculation. However, Mr. Current Thing places great stock in labels, identities and markers of victimhood. So like wrapping the heart worm pill in cheese, just mention Rob’s lived experience and the sale will be easy.
By the time your friend or family member gets to the section about luxury beliefs their cognitive dissonance will be off the charts. Mr. Current Thing will be forced to admit that a person who checks almost all their victimhood boxes is telling them that modern activism is harming the people it purports to elevate. This could actually lead to a real conversation! Imagine that.
After you’ve exploded your friend’s brain should you read a copy of the book yourself? Yes, if you want to understand what it’s like to grow up in foster care and how a chaotic environment can create a disconnect between expectations, actions and outcomes. The emotional callouses that form from abandonment, the suppression of hope, and the quest for immediate gratification at the expense of long term achievement. This is the story of how Rob dealt with adversity, sometimes in all the wrong ways, but eventually found a recipe for success that brought him out of rural California and into our Substack universe. Troubled is an honest memoir from a man who got out.
Religion and community
Treatment of the poor and downtrodden
Worker’s rights
The rule of law
Hiring norms
Educational standards
The institution of marriage
A respect for foreign cultures
And so forth…
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I originally published this review on my Substack The Unhedged Capitalist - check out that article to read this review with images and better formatting...
https://theunhedgedcapitalist.substac...
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We may not always grok what a cultural norm is meant to accomplish, but that doesn’t mean they don’t serve a purpose. For example, we’ve recently seen famous atheists like Richard Dawkins backtrack on their aggressive goal of secularizing the west. Dawkins and others have realized that convincing Americans and Europeans to give up their religion isn’t going to lead to another enlightenment period.
In practice, without a Christian framework to guide their actions people can be tempted to adopt other, darker creeds. Adrift in nihilistic modernity, Johnny starts calling himself Jenny and gets it into her head to throw soup on the Mona Lisa because she wants to change the weather. This might generously be called a de-evolution in our societal arc.
Structure is another often underappreciated service that culture can provide. For instance, not so long ago I read about the daily existence of medieval Europeans. While these societies had many problems: tyranny, unaccountable leaders, working class exploitation, etc., in some ways our distant ancestors enjoyed a certain stability that’s largely unavailable today.
A man studied as an apprentice until he’d learned a skill to mastery, at which point he was all but guaranteed steady employment for the rest of his life. A blacksmith need not fear redundancy. In our modern society it’s hard to know what skills will be valued ten or twenty years in the future. Just a few years ago computer programming seemed like one of the best jobs to pursue, but now ChatGPT has thrown that career path into flux. Our sense of security and continuity has been shattered, and people have begun to act strange because of it.
Structure and stability isn’t just necessary on the macro level though. As Rob Henderson points out, structure is incredibly important for kids too. Children who grow up in a chaotic environment like the foster care system are more likely to go prison, get addicted to drugs and/or to have unhealthy relationships in their adult life.
Rob would know. Rob’s childhood was like living inside a washing machine. Ten different families, if I remember correctly, before finally being adopted by his mother. There was never a longstanding father either. After Rob’s adopted parents divorced his father refused to speak with Rob to enact grim revenge on his mother. I cannot conceive of how awful that must have felt. This is but one scene of many, revealing to us the hellishly unstable childhood that Rob miraculously extricated himself from.
As with any good memoir, Rob is admirably honest in this book. To such an extent that several scenes evoked a temporary dislike for our author. I was particularly pissed when Rob took a baseball bat out of his trunk and smashed the windshield of a random person’s car. Logically I knew why he’d done it; an extreme childhood and an unhealthy relationship with emotions, but logic didn’t make that brief story any more palatable. Nor was it easy to read about the jarring events that brought Rob to a point where smashing windshields seemed like a thing one ought to do. Troubled is not always a pleasant book to read, but it is very well-written.
If you’re familiar with Rob Henderson it’s probably because of his brilliant “luxury beliefs” framework. Luxury beliefs, as defined by Rob, are “ideas and opinions that confer status on the upper class at little cost, while often inflicting costs on the lower classes.”
When weighing the decision to purchase Troubled you should know that the book is first and foremost a recounting of Rob’s childhood in the foster care system. The theory of luxury beliefs fills but a smallish number of pages near the end of the book. At least, that’s one way of looking at it. Another interpretation is that the entire memoir is about luxury beliefs, as we gradually discover the two decades of instability that gave Rob a framework to interpret the anti-logic value systems of his upper class compatriots at Yale.
For an example of this anti-logic value system please consider this choice moment in which Rob learns, much to his amazement, that he’s too privileged!!! to understand the emotional atrocity a professor has committed by suggesting that, hold on tight please, students should figure out their own Halloween costumes without the administration getting involved.
A student from Greenwich, Connecticut, who had attended Phillips Exeter Academy (an expensive private boarding school), explained that I was too privileged to understand the harm these professors had caused. At first I was stunned. But later, I came to understand the intellectual acrobatics necessary to say something like this. The student who called me “privileged” likely meant that due to my background as a biracial Asian Latino heterosexual cisgender (that is, I “present” as the sex I was “assigned” at birth) male, this means that I have led a privileged life
However, I also learned that many inhabitants of elite universities assign a great deal of importance to “lived experience.” This means that your unique personal hardships serve as important credentials to expound on social ills and suggest remedies.
These two ideas appeared to be contradictory. Which is more relevant to identity, one’s discernible characteristics (gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and so on) or what they actually went through in their lives? I asked two students this question. One replied that this question was dangerous to ask. The other said that one’s discernible characteristics determine what experiences they have in their lives. This means that if you belong to a “privileged” group, then you must have had a privileged life.
Notice that the definition of a luxury belief contains two parts.
A thing believed by the upper class.
A thing which inflicts a cost on the lower class.
Here’s an example of the second point. Rob discovered that most of the students at Yale were in excellent physical shape. Despite their below-average BMIs, when queried about health and fitness these skinny Jimmies and waifish Wandas regurgitated gibberish about how we can’t have any fat shaming and how it’s critical that we celebrate alternative lifestyles. Of course these students don’t want to be obese, but they’re happy to encourage others to be.
There was a striking absence of obesity among the [Yale] students—many of them seemed to be preoccupied with their weight and image. I learned a term I’d never heard before: fat shaming. It was remarkable that students who seldom consumed sugary drinks and often closely adhered to nutrition and fitness regiments were also attempting to create a taboo around discussions of obesity. The unspoken oath seemed to be, “I will carefully monitor my health and fitness, but will not broadcast the importance of what I am doing, because that is fat shaming.
The same phenomenon holds true for marriage. Students claimed that the institution of marriage is outdated, yet an overwhelming majority of them benefitted from growing up in a two parent household. Furthermore, when pressed for details most students acknowledged their intention to get married. The students want a stable home life, but if other people who aren’t them want to have kids out of wedlock, we should encourage that.
A former classmate at Yale told me “monogamy is kind of outdated” and not good for society. I asked her what her background is and if she planned to marry. She said she came from an affluent family, was raised by both of her parents, and that, yes, she personally intended to have a monogamous marriage—but quickly added that marriage shouldn’t have to be for everyone.
Not to sound too dramatic, but isn’t this all kind of… evil? The ostensible elites, the theoretical leaders of our society, are eating healthy and getting married while prattling on about how it’s cool to be fat and have a kid out of wedlock. If one were to be especially cynical, you might even say that this is all done deliberately. The elites feel threatened because there are too many of them (see my review of End Times and the theory of elite overproduction) so they espouse ideas that will remove other people from the competition pool.
I watched students claim that investment banks were emblematic of capitalist oppression, and then discovered that they’d attended recruitment sessions for Goldman Sachs.
Gradually I came to believe that many of these students were broadcasting the belief that such firms were evil in order to undercut their rivals. If they managed to convince you that a certain occupation is corrupt and thus to be avoided, then that was one less competitor they had in their quest to be hired.
One could conclude that if you did the opposite of everything the elites suggest, after a few years your life would be pretty damn good!
At this juncture we might ask: how did we get here? Why now?
We return to our theme of cultural norms. Society requires a way for the elites to differentiate themselves from working and middle class folk. A high status marker may be noxious, like riding in a palanquin carried by eight slaves. Or it may be relatively benign, like driving a Cadillac instead of a Ford.
Historically our elites used luxury products like expensive cars, trendy vacations and large homes as a way to peacock their status. The problem, as Rob formulates it, is that luxury goods have lost their luster. Driving a Cadillac in 1960 was kind of a big deal… Today, not so much. My childhood neighbor Mrs. Sweetman drove a Cadillac, an expensive one too, and she taught 11th grade social studies.
As luxury goods have become more widely available, the elites and elite aspirants have had to devise other ways to draw a line between themselves and the unwashed masses. Enter luxury beliefs. The elites love these beliefs because they do two things. They fend off the unenlightened commoners, and they come impregnated with moral superiority too!
Broadcasting personal feelings of emotional precarity and supposed powerlessness was part of the campus culture [at Yale]. Conspicuously lamenting systemic disadvantage seemed to serve as both a signal and reinforcer of membership in this rarefied group of future elites. Many students would routinely claim that systemic forces were working against them, yet they seemed pleased to demonstrate how special they were for rising above those impediments. This spawned a potent blend of victimhood and superiority.
Students at elite universities aren’t being taught to hone their minds; they’re learning how to speak and act in ways that signal their status. When an employer like Google wants to hire someone they can’t ask if they’ve come from an upper class background, but they can demand that every job applicant write a five-hundred word essay about intersectionality.
Afterwards the HR department can quickly create two piles. Those who’ve answered the question correctly, and then the rejects who jotted down the perfectly reasonable reply of: what in the unholiest of gibberish hells are you speaking of?
Your typical working-class American could not tell you what heteronormative or cisgender means. But if you visit an elite college, you’ll find plenty of affluent people who will eagerly explain them to you. When someone uses the phrase cultural appropriation, what they are really saying is, “I was educated at a top college.”
After I finished reading Troubled I had a thought... You could give this book to a friend or family member who you’ve tragically lost to the current thing. You know the guy, “we have to save Ukraine!” But he can’t find the European continent on a map if you gave him three tries.
Or the gal who’s out marching for queers for Palestine, because reasons… Rob Henderson’s memoir is a brilliant sneak attack because you can slide it in under the radar. Rob is a mixed race Latino and Korean man from California. He grew up in foster care, graduated from Yale and has been published in the New York Times.
These things do not change how I think about Rob or his book. I am (and you probably are too) mercifully blessed with an ability to measure a person’s merits based on the quality of their ideas, not the color of their skin, sexual orientation or matriculation. However, Mr. Current Thing places great stock in labels, identities and markers of victimhood. So like wrapping the heart worm pill in cheese, just mention Rob’s lived experience and the sale will be easy.
By the time your friend or family member gets to the section about luxury beliefs their cognitive dissonance will be off the charts. Mr. Current Thing will be forced to admit that a person who checks almost all their victimhood boxes is telling them that modern activism is harming the people it purports to elevate. This could actually lead to a real conversation! Imagine that.
After you’ve exploded your friend’s brain should you read a copy of the book yourself? Yes, if you want to understand what it’s like to grow up in foster care and how a chaotic environment can create a disconnect between expectations, actions and outcomes. The emotional callouses that form from abandonment, the suppression of hope, and the quest for immediate gratification at the expense of long term achievement. This is the story of how Rob dealt with adversity, sometimes in all the wrong ways, but eventually found a recipe for success that brought him out of rural California and into our Substack universe. Troubled is an honest memoir from a man who got out.
July 19, 2023
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.
The man has been through so much in his life. From being bounced around in the foster care system to being adopted by parents who end up getting divorced, to military life, then schooling at some prestigious universities.
I enjoyed the whole book and the last few chapters were so good. His background is not the typical background of these elite college kids. His writing on luxury beliefs and being morally righteous is spot on. The hypocrisy among his fellow students was eye-opening.
I highly recommend this book.
The man has been through so much in his life. From being bounced around in the foster care system to being adopted by parents who end up getting divorced, to military life, then schooling at some prestigious universities.
I enjoyed the whole book and the last few chapters were so good. His background is not the typical background of these elite college kids. His writing on luxury beliefs and being morally righteous is spot on. The hypocrisy among his fellow students was eye-opening.
I highly recommend this book.
July 18, 2024
It amazes me how some reviewers are trying to make this book political.
Keep up the hard work, Rob! And I'd love it if you wrote a book specifically aimed at teens and kids in the throws of foster care that may be a bit younger (under 18).
I would love to give this book, but some may find it triggering in the wrong ways.
Keep up the hard work, Rob! And I'd love it if you wrote a book specifically aimed at teens and kids in the throws of foster care that may be a bit younger (under 18).
I would love to give this book, but some may find it triggering in the wrong ways.
November 28, 2023
In Troubled: A Memoir of Foster Care, Family, and Social Class, Rob Henderson explores the many lives he has lived. From his experiences growing up in a working class foster family to the absurdities and contradictions he encountered among the millionaire progressive class during his time at Yale and Cambridge, Henderson distills truths about humans and our nature. If you read one autobiography in 2024, this should be it.
July 16, 2024
Thought-provoking and deeply relevant! I need to think about this one a bit more before writing a more detailed review, but I definitely recommend!
October 8, 2023
Rob Henderson grew up in the foster care system in many household in many places. He became a keen observer of human behavior. He realized his friends with two parents had a better life than he and his friends with only one. In his case, it would take hard work for him to make his way. His understanding of the economic and social fabric of society is informed by his childhood experience. It is refreshing to see the views of an experienced person.
February 25, 2024
I don’t typically enjoy memoirs, as I tend to find them overly angsty. I loved this one. I should state that, as a fan of Henderson’s essays and a subscriber of several years to his Substack, I was predisposed to like his memoir. That said, I believe I would have liked it even if I’d never heard of the guy. Despite his horrible childhood, Henderson avoided the naval-gazing I so dislike and told his story in a refreshingly open and confident way. Highly recommended (as is his Substack).
February 13, 2024
(free review copy) It took me a minute to see where Henderson’s politics fell, but ahhhhh, the comments on his Substack filled me in right quick. And no, I don’t fall in his conservative camp, but also, the older I get the more I deeply understand how one’s upbringing and past trauma will shape future beliefs. This man was deeply harmed by the adults around him and the system responsible for his care and the society who should have caught him. He was cared for in the military and disillusioned at Yale by the vast class divide he encountered.
Honestly, I don’t disagree entirely with him on several points and commend him for his achievements. And he was raised for years by two women in a romantic relationship and he isn’t homophobic ~ he can’t be TOO far right yet? I hope? I have lots of thoughts and feelings about his stance about two-parent homes, but I’ll have to do a lot more fact and stat checking to be able to ignore the stark numbers in this book. As a child of divorce and currently in a 19-year marriage, obviously my own experiences color my initial sway toward agreement with him, but I also have seen many an author use numbers in their favor, so am hesitant to be quoting this for a bit.
As a public school educator, his childhood story is one I see everyday to some degree and it breaks my heart. His past has shaped him and he lived to tell the tale ~ it’s one worth reading and considering.
ETA: Henderson would want to know my background and would probably be able to determine my feelings about his book based on that info without reading my review, so here it is: female, white, cis, married to a man, Masters and Bachelors degrees from state colleges, married to a delivery driver (no degree), three children, household income approximately $150,000, child of divorce, both parents college educated.
Source: digital review copy via Edelweiss
Honestly, I don’t disagree entirely with him on several points and commend him for his achievements. And he was raised for years by two women in a romantic relationship and he isn’t homophobic ~ he can’t be TOO far right yet? I hope? I have lots of thoughts and feelings about his stance about two-parent homes, but I’ll have to do a lot more fact and stat checking to be able to ignore the stark numbers in this book. As a child of divorce and currently in a 19-year marriage, obviously my own experiences color my initial sway toward agreement with him, but I also have seen many an author use numbers in their favor, so am hesitant to be quoting this for a bit.
As a public school educator, his childhood story is one I see everyday to some degree and it breaks my heart. His past has shaped him and he lived to tell the tale ~ it’s one worth reading and considering.
ETA: Henderson would want to know my background and would probably be able to determine my feelings about his book based on that info without reading my review, so here it is: female, white, cis, married to a man, Masters and Bachelors degrees from state colleges, married to a delivery driver (no degree), three children, household income approximately $150,000, child of divorce, both parents college educated.
Source: digital review copy via Edelweiss
January 31, 2024
Rob’s father was never in the picture. His mother is addicted to hard drugs and he is taken from her and placed into foster care at 3. This is just the start of an incredibly tumultuous childhood. Rob bounces from foster home to foster home for years until he is adopted.
But there is always something that seems to be waiting in the wings to shake things up. His adoptive parents divorce. His father no longer wants to see him. His mother comes out as gay and Shelly moves in. On and on it goes, as friends die and the family loses their house. Loss is ever constant.
Rob, incredibly smart, has no reason to excel in school after Shelly is accidentally shot at a gun range. He passes with a low C average and in a glimpse of self-awareness after watching a friend kick a dog off of a cliff, Rob enlists in the military.
While progressing quickly through several promotions in the Army, Rob is beginning to experience feelings that he doesn’t want to feel. He deals with this by drinking until he blacks out. Eventually, he checks himself into rehab, and begins to pursue an academic future.
His experience at Yale is mind-bending for him. Rob’s observations of the elite class is not flattering at all and is incredibly eye-opening. He notes the hypocrisy of this group of people and begins to research them. He notes how they create cultural norms that they themselves do not follow. (Example: They will say traditional marriage is so old-fashioned; we should move on from it. At the same time, the person saying this will have a traditional family and fully intends to have one herself.)
Rob’s journey truly shocked and shattered me. The odds were so absurdly set against him from day one, and yet, here he is today, arguably more successful than most people. This is a must read.
Thanks to NCTE and Rob Henderson for the ARC. Coming out on February 24, 2024.
But there is always something that seems to be waiting in the wings to shake things up. His adoptive parents divorce. His father no longer wants to see him. His mother comes out as gay and Shelly moves in. On and on it goes, as friends die and the family loses their house. Loss is ever constant.
Rob, incredibly smart, has no reason to excel in school after Shelly is accidentally shot at a gun range. He passes with a low C average and in a glimpse of self-awareness after watching a friend kick a dog off of a cliff, Rob enlists in the military.
While progressing quickly through several promotions in the Army, Rob is beginning to experience feelings that he doesn’t want to feel. He deals with this by drinking until he blacks out. Eventually, he checks himself into rehab, and begins to pursue an academic future.
His experience at Yale is mind-bending for him. Rob’s observations of the elite class is not flattering at all and is incredibly eye-opening. He notes the hypocrisy of this group of people and begins to research them. He notes how they create cultural norms that they themselves do not follow. (Example: They will say traditional marriage is so old-fashioned; we should move on from it. At the same time, the person saying this will have a traditional family and fully intends to have one herself.)
Rob’s journey truly shocked and shattered me. The odds were so absurdly set against him from day one, and yet, here he is today, arguably more successful than most people. This is a must read.
Thanks to NCTE and Rob Henderson for the ARC. Coming out on February 24, 2024.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 15, 2024
Thank you #partner Gallery Books for my #gifted copy of Troubled!
𝐓𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞: 𝐓𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐝
𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫: 𝐑𝐨𝐛 𝐇𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧
𝐏𝐮𝐛 𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐞: 𝐅𝐞𝐛𝐫𝐮𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝟐𝟎, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
If I had to recommend one memoir to read this year, it’s this one. Troubled is so impactful and raw and is a must read. I found this book, and Henderson’s words, to be so thought provoking. I was constantly placing tabs in this book and highlighting parts that stood out and really caused me to think and reflect. Growing up in an unstable environment, Henderson really forces the reader to look at the importance of stability and love in childhood. “Credentials and money are not antidotes to the lingering effects of childhood maltreatment.” Perhaps the part that resonated most with me was the end of the book as Henderson is recounting a conversation he had with some friends about concerns with their six year old not talking as much as his peers, wondering if they should be reading to him more. Henderson’s response: “Yeah, but not because it will expand his vocabulary. Read to him because it will remind him that you love him.”
𝐓𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞: 𝐓𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐝
𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫: 𝐑𝐨𝐛 𝐇𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧
𝐏𝐮𝐛 𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐞: 𝐅𝐞𝐛𝐫𝐮𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝟐𝟎, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
If I had to recommend one memoir to read this year, it’s this one. Troubled is so impactful and raw and is a must read. I found this book, and Henderson’s words, to be so thought provoking. I was constantly placing tabs in this book and highlighting parts that stood out and really caused me to think and reflect. Growing up in an unstable environment, Henderson really forces the reader to look at the importance of stability and love in childhood. “Credentials and money are not antidotes to the lingering effects of childhood maltreatment.” Perhaps the part that resonated most with me was the end of the book as Henderson is recounting a conversation he had with some friends about concerns with their six year old not talking as much as his peers, wondering if they should be reading to him more. Henderson’s response: “Yeah, but not because it will expand his vocabulary. Read to him because it will remind him that you love him.”
February 23, 2024
3.5 rounded to 4
Troubled: A Memoir of Foster Care, Family, and Social Class
Rob Henderson
Thank you #partners @gallerybooks & @simon.audio for my gifted copies
The majority of this book is an intimate, captivating memoir of Henderson's experiences in foster care, and later in his adopted family. Unfortunately, the last quarter took an unexpected turn, as Henderson shares his theories about social class and inequality. Though his conclusions are the complete opposite of my own, I still appreciate reading this book, and recognize that Henderson's unique journey informs his current opinions. I would definitely still recommend for folks seeking different perspectives.
🎧 Wonderfully narrated by the author.
Troubled: A Memoir of Foster Care, Family, and Social Class
Rob Henderson
Thank you #partners @gallerybooks & @simon.audio for my gifted copies
The majority of this book is an intimate, captivating memoir of Henderson's experiences in foster care, and later in his adopted family. Unfortunately, the last quarter took an unexpected turn, as Henderson shares his theories about social class and inequality. Though his conclusions are the complete opposite of my own, I still appreciate reading this book, and recognize that Henderson's unique journey informs his current opinions. I would definitely still recommend for folks seeking different perspectives.
🎧 Wonderfully narrated by the author.
January 4, 2024
Normally I prefer memoirs that are strictly story. If there’s citations, I don’t want it. So surprisingly, I was hooked on this. While roughly the last third is more commentary than story-telling, it’s fascinating to see the way Henderson’s experiences and realizations growing up have shaped his current views. I often step away from memoirs with something to think about but this book has me thinking. I may not be his target audience but I fully expect to keep coming back to some of these passages.
March 11, 2024
The preface had me tearing up a bit, but anytime family and children are involved, I will probably tear up. This book is about 80% memoir and the last 20% on the luxury beliefs he encountered at the elite universities. It did help me understand a bit on why the foster care system is the way it is because it had always confounded me why we move a child around every couple of months.
The beginning and end's emphasis on a loving two parent family unit reminded me of a short story I had once read about a social worker and a young boy who was one of her cases. He had muttered that even his birth mother didn't love him and that boy ended up dead due to gang activity. The impact of the deterioration of the family unit is no doubt disastrous on the children and society at large. I also found it interesting that while overall the two parent family has become less common, the degree to which this has happened is much less so for those in the upper middle class. Anyways, definitely a book that kept my attention and gave me thoughts to ponder.
The beginning and end's emphasis on a loving two parent family unit reminded me of a short story I had once read about a social worker and a young boy who was one of her cases. He had muttered that even his birth mother didn't love him and that boy ended up dead due to gang activity. The impact of the deterioration of the family unit is no doubt disastrous on the children and society at large. I also found it interesting that while overall the two parent family has become less common, the degree to which this has happened is much less so for those in the upper middle class. Anyways, definitely a book that kept my attention and gave me thoughts to ponder.
March 13, 2024
Troubled is a memoir by Rob Henderson, the writer who coined the term “Luxury Beliefs.”
Henderson grew up in the California foster-care system, engaged in lots of risky behavior as a teen, and later struggled with alcohol addiction. Seemingly against all odds and following military service (he largely attributes his transformation to this decision), Henderson went on to earn degrees from both Yale and Cambridge. While this is an inspiring story of upward mobility and economic success, Troubled is tinged with sadness as Henderson mentions on more than one occasion that he would gladly give up all his hard-won attainments in exchange for a childhood that was happy and stable.
This memoir reminded me a lot of J.D. Vance’s Hillbilly Elegy in that it scrutinizes trendy political beliefs through the lens of one man’s impoverished upbringing. I also found it fascinating to read Troubled right after finishing Abigail Shrier’s Bad Therapy. While the latter talks about the unintended consequences of over-parenting and over-coddling, the former highlights the perils of under-parenting and under-supervision. Interestingly, I think both authors would agree on the kind of home environment that is best for kids—a loving, secure, pleasantly predictable one where parents (ideally, two that are married) are not afraid to be warmly authoritative and to pass down their values with confidence.
Highly recommended. I especially enjoyed reading about Henderson’s experiences at Yale and Cambridge. I think his analysis of "Luxury Beliefs" is spot-on.
Henderson grew up in the California foster-care system, engaged in lots of risky behavior as a teen, and later struggled with alcohol addiction. Seemingly against all odds and following military service (he largely attributes his transformation to this decision), Henderson went on to earn degrees from both Yale and Cambridge. While this is an inspiring story of upward mobility and economic success, Troubled is tinged with sadness as Henderson mentions on more than one occasion that he would gladly give up all his hard-won attainments in exchange for a childhood that was happy and stable.
This memoir reminded me a lot of J.D. Vance’s Hillbilly Elegy in that it scrutinizes trendy political beliefs through the lens of one man’s impoverished upbringing. I also found it fascinating to read Troubled right after finishing Abigail Shrier’s Bad Therapy. While the latter talks about the unintended consequences of over-parenting and over-coddling, the former highlights the perils of under-parenting and under-supervision. Interestingly, I think both authors would agree on the kind of home environment that is best for kids—a loving, secure, pleasantly predictable one where parents (ideally, two that are married) are not afraid to be warmly authoritative and to pass down their values with confidence.
Highly recommended. I especially enjoyed reading about Henderson’s experiences at Yale and Cambridge. I think his analysis of "Luxury Beliefs" is spot-on.
February 20, 2024
A must-read book!
Essential reading for anyone interested in understanding the modern working-class experience. Gripping, moving, and authentic! It's also something of a "banned book", which makes its reading all the more worthwhile!
Essential reading for anyone interested in understanding the modern working-class experience. Gripping, moving, and authentic! It's also something of a "banned book", which makes its reading all the more worthwhile!
April 8, 2024
Troubled relata la historia increíble, dura y agitada de la infancia y juventud de Rob, un niño que vivió en 9 familias de acogida antes de los 8 años en California. Esta inestabilidad caló hondo en su vida. Aún así, de algún modo pasó de ser un joven con relativamente malas notas en el colegio y con varios comportamientos de riesgo (peleas, drogas) a tener un PhD en psicología de Cambridge. Esto hace que nos pueda contar su historia de vida de manera muy especial.
La mayoría de los capítulos tratan de la vida en el colegio y universidad de Rob: una crónica de lo que le tocó (y a veces eligió) vivir. En ocasiones va entretejiendo sus vivencias con evidencia del campo de la psicología para explicar y entender las consecuencias de lo que vivió. Hay dos capítulos derechamente más centrados en evidencia y papers sobre esto. Y hay otros dos capítulos centrados en su teoría de las luxury beliefs. Estos a mi gusto son los más débiles, pues regularmente cae en caricaturas de sus compañeros de clase alta. En otras palabras: explicar todo el comportamiento de una persona solo en base a su búsqueda de estatus y pertenencia a un grupo social siempre se queda corto. Y, en ocasiones, puede caer en un pseudo materialismo que termina por extirpar la libertad de cada ser humano.
La principal enseñanza de Troubled es que lo que más importa para la vida de un niño/a es la estabilidad en su ambiente de crianza, la que sería principalmente brindada por su familia. Estabilidad es, por ejemplo, que existan adultos que están constantemente en la vida del niño, que lo apoyan y lo quieren, que tienen comportamientos predecibles. Carecer de un ambiente estable en la infancia es mucho peor que vivir en un ambiente vulnerable o pobre, en términos de las consecuencias que tiene en los niños. Es mucho más común para los niños criados en ambientes inestables no terminar el colegio (y menos la universidad), el uso de drogas, embarazo adolescente, tener problemas de salud mental, tener menores ingresos en el futuro, etc. Eso a su vez es consecuencia de vivencias dolorosas en la infancia y juventud. Por eso el foco de Troubled está en la estabilidad y la familia, antes que en la pobreza. Tal vez sea lo que más importa hoy en día.
La mayoría de los capítulos tratan de la vida en el colegio y universidad de Rob: una crónica de lo que le tocó (y a veces eligió) vivir. En ocasiones va entretejiendo sus vivencias con evidencia del campo de la psicología para explicar y entender las consecuencias de lo que vivió. Hay dos capítulos derechamente más centrados en evidencia y papers sobre esto. Y hay otros dos capítulos centrados en su teoría de las luxury beliefs. Estos a mi gusto son los más débiles, pues regularmente cae en caricaturas de sus compañeros de clase alta. En otras palabras: explicar todo el comportamiento de una persona solo en base a su búsqueda de estatus y pertenencia a un grupo social siempre se queda corto. Y, en ocasiones, puede caer en un pseudo materialismo que termina por extirpar la libertad de cada ser humano.
La principal enseñanza de Troubled es que lo que más importa para la vida de un niño/a es la estabilidad en su ambiente de crianza, la que sería principalmente brindada por su familia. Estabilidad es, por ejemplo, que existan adultos que están constantemente en la vida del niño, que lo apoyan y lo quieren, que tienen comportamientos predecibles. Carecer de un ambiente estable en la infancia es mucho peor que vivir en un ambiente vulnerable o pobre, en términos de las consecuencias que tiene en los niños. Es mucho más común para los niños criados en ambientes inestables no terminar el colegio (y menos la universidad), el uso de drogas, embarazo adolescente, tener problemas de salud mental, tener menores ingresos en el futuro, etc. Eso a su vez es consecuencia de vivencias dolorosas en la infancia y juventud. Por eso el foco de Troubled está en la estabilidad y la familia, antes que en la pobreza. Tal vez sea lo que más importa hoy en día.
February 27, 2024
An incredible, eye-opening story told with remarkable clarity
Henderson's upbringing was as unstable, violent, and traumatic as they come. From bouncing around foster homes to graduating with a PhD from Cambridge, his perspective on social class is uniquely insightful. As the chapters progress we see his perspective change with his age, but the instability and uncertainty of his early life remain central to his lived experience and greatly inform the ideas he later champions in the book. But while some readers will read this book as a critique of the elite class, it is first and ever and always an unflinching advocacy of the importance of family and values. The clarity and power with which he emphasizes that importance is second-to-none.
This book does put a spotlight on the narrowmindedness of the 'elite' class, of course, but his goal is not to thoroughly rebut any of their ideas in particular so much as to highlight the insular bubble in which they (we) live. The considerations are primarily material, the cost of failure is minor, there is an outsized focus on status. He does not argue that certain ideas should be dismissed because they are to some extent used as status symbols, but merely observes that ideas indeed are frequently used to convey status and, keeping this in mind, that we should be particularly cautious of ideas espoused by highly insulated and disconnected parts of society. The cost of scrutiny by their (our) peers is often a greater consideration than the costs of a certain policy to society at large. Further, their ability to assess the costs in the first place is hindered by their narrow, overly-materialistic perspective. This idea, which puts an asterisk next to the academic entitlement to the ethos, is uncomfortable but important.
Much of this book will remain with me for a long time, but not any idea in particular so much as my own self-reflection. Henderson argues, in short, that childhood trauma "is bad because it's bad". Why I felt that needed to be substantiated with cold, hard data before I could confidently accept it as true is a reflection of the gaping blind spot that he so brilliantly illuminates. In our quest toward rationality, we often lose the bigger picture. My favorite quote: "'Should we be reading to him more?' they asked me. 'Yeah,' I replied. 'But not because it will expand his vocabulary. Read to him because it will remind him that you love him.'"
Henderson's upbringing was as unstable, violent, and traumatic as they come. From bouncing around foster homes to graduating with a PhD from Cambridge, his perspective on social class is uniquely insightful. As the chapters progress we see his perspective change with his age, but the instability and uncertainty of his early life remain central to his lived experience and greatly inform the ideas he later champions in the book. But while some readers will read this book as a critique of the elite class, it is first and ever and always an unflinching advocacy of the importance of family and values. The clarity and power with which he emphasizes that importance is second-to-none.
This book does put a spotlight on the narrowmindedness of the 'elite' class, of course, but his goal is not to thoroughly rebut any of their ideas in particular so much as to highlight the insular bubble in which they (we) live. The considerations are primarily material, the cost of failure is minor, there is an outsized focus on status. He does not argue that certain ideas should be dismissed because they are to some extent used as status symbols, but merely observes that ideas indeed are frequently used to convey status and, keeping this in mind, that we should be particularly cautious of ideas espoused by highly insulated and disconnected parts of society. The cost of scrutiny by their (our) peers is often a greater consideration than the costs of a certain policy to society at large. Further, their ability to assess the costs in the first place is hindered by their narrow, overly-materialistic perspective. This idea, which puts an asterisk next to the academic entitlement to the ethos, is uncomfortable but important.
Much of this book will remain with me for a long time, but not any idea in particular so much as my own self-reflection. Henderson argues, in short, that childhood trauma "is bad because it's bad". Why I felt that needed to be substantiated with cold, hard data before I could confidently accept it as true is a reflection of the gaping blind spot that he so brilliantly illuminates. In our quest toward rationality, we often lose the bigger picture. My favorite quote: "'Should we be reading to him more?' they asked me. 'Yeah,' I replied. 'But not because it will expand his vocabulary. Read to him because it will remind him that you love him.'"
March 26, 2024
The first 85% of this book I really enjoyed, an interesting memoir that reminded me of how idiotic teenage boys can be. But he ends this book with his extremely frustrating views on what he calls “luxury beliefs”. Like the author, I grew up lower middle class and somehow I have beliefs that only belong to the elite 1%? I know what the words cisgender and heteronormative mean. According to the author these are only words people use to show others their elite education. He totally lost me at the end of this book with his half baked views. The only parts I agree with him on are that children benefit from loving, stable, secure families. He gives no suggestions on how to actually help lower class families or foster children achieve this, and chooses instead to blame it on liberal elites who he believes want to keep others poor. If you read this book, I would recommend skipping the end of the book completely as it ruins the book in my opinion.
February 20, 2024
In a time where so many poor youths don’t see a useful future, Rob Henderson’s personal story in Troubled illuminates a path to a meaningful and productive life.
February 13, 2024
A heartbreaking but eye-opening story.
I found Robert Henderson's story fascinating. Not just for his very impressive academic achievements but also for his very early awareness of the not so good things in this world. Granted, Robert goes through a lot of hardships from a very young age but sadly seems to me like he developed kind of an early adult radar for a kid, which is understandable.
I can only imagine how difficult and horrible is to be separated from your biological mother, have no relationship whatsoever with your mom or your dad, and have to go through the Foster Care system. Like I said, I can only imagine but I can see how these situations can alter a person's life forever, and that was the case for Robert indeed.
I also found it interesting his views on social class, and his views on education, especially since he had access to these called elite universities, and how the pressure of just being there can have negative and positive impacts on a person's life.
Although Robert's story is very heartbreaking at times, when he describes his experiences being a foster kid, I also found his story very inspirational and one that could be of help to others.
Thank you Gallery Books for the free advanced copy, in exchange for an honest review.
I found Robert Henderson's story fascinating. Not just for his very impressive academic achievements but also for his very early awareness of the not so good things in this world. Granted, Robert goes through a lot of hardships from a very young age but sadly seems to me like he developed kind of an early adult radar for a kid, which is understandable.
I can only imagine how difficult and horrible is to be separated from your biological mother, have no relationship whatsoever with your mom or your dad, and have to go through the Foster Care system. Like I said, I can only imagine but I can see how these situations can alter a person's life forever, and that was the case for Robert indeed.
I also found it interesting his views on social class, and his views on education, especially since he had access to these called elite universities, and how the pressure of just being there can have negative and positive impacts on a person's life.
Although Robert's story is very heartbreaking at times, when he describes his experiences being a foster kid, I also found his story very inspirational and one that could be of help to others.
Thank you Gallery Books for the free advanced copy, in exchange for an honest review.
April 11, 2024
Rob Henderson was taken from his drug-addicted mother and placed in foster care at age 3, where he was shuffled from family to family. At age 9 he was adopted by a family that later crumbled in divorce. He endured poverty, a family member being shot, homelessness, and his own teenage alcohol addiction. He was a good and bright student when he wanted to be, but with so few good role models and no real hope of improvement, he rarely bothered to even try.
Though my environment had stabilized, the quiet disdain I felt for grown-ups lingered and flared when they tried to get me to do anything school-related. As far as I was concerned, adults were unreliable liars. With each new family, new parent, and new rejection, grief, anger, and loneliness accrued within me.
Enlistment in the Air Force gave him structure he'd never had and eventually helped him to overcome his addictions and depression, even enabling him to attend Yale University. Henderson chronicles his life as he remembers it, and it's not pretty. And while it can feel like a 'misery-memoir' at times, he's honest about his feelings and mistakes and the insight he feels he's since gained.
People who have undergone harrowing events rarely want to discuss them. I had misgivings about sharing my story because I knew many readers would feel pity, which was the last thing I wanted. Whatever sympathy you felt while reading my story, please channel it toward kids currently living in similarly unpromising environments.
Henderson is only 33 years old, but he knows how fortunate he is to have changed the trajectory of his life; most of his friends from his teen years are either incarcerated or in rehab, and living in poverty. But he also shares his observations of his fellow-students at Yale, nearly all of whom came from very affluent backgrounds and two-parent households, as well as his idea of what he calls "luxury beliefs." These are usually liberal ideas embraced by some - marriage is outdated, defund the police, drug legalization, etc. - but which they themselves do not intend to follow and would never recommend (or even allow) for their own children.
The luxury belief class claims that the unhappiness associated with certain behaviors and choices primarily stems from the negative social judgments they elicit, rather than the behaviors and choices themselves. But, in fact, negative social judgments often serve as guardrails to deter detrimental decisions that lead to unhappiness. In order to avoid misery, we have to admit that certain actions and choices are actually in and of themselves undesirable—single parenthood, obesity, substance abuse, crime, and so on—and not simply in need of normalization.
I think it's this opinion of his that is driving the critical reviews I've seen here. But I didn't feel he was trying to make a political statement as much as he was advocating for stronger families and more support for behaviors that are proven to have positive outcomes. I'm adding too many quotes into my review, but I felt that Henderson had some very good insights into society's values - at both ends of the socio-economic spectrum. And I think it's an important story to read.
A couple months ago, I spoke with two of Mom’s friends who asked me for advice... Mom’s friends were worried that their son isn’t talking as much as other six-year-olds. They, like many parents, were concerned with how “smart” their kid is. “Should we be reading to him more?” they asked me. I thought of how lonely I felt trying to teach myself how to read as a foster kid. “Yeah,” I replied. “But not because it will expand his vocabulary. Read to him because it will remind him that you love him.”
Though my environment had stabilized, the quiet disdain I felt for grown-ups lingered and flared when they tried to get me to do anything school-related. As far as I was concerned, adults were unreliable liars. With each new family, new parent, and new rejection, grief, anger, and loneliness accrued within me.
Enlistment in the Air Force gave him structure he'd never had and eventually helped him to overcome his addictions and depression, even enabling him to attend Yale University. Henderson chronicles his life as he remembers it, and it's not pretty. And while it can feel like a 'misery-memoir' at times, he's honest about his feelings and mistakes and the insight he feels he's since gained.
People who have undergone harrowing events rarely want to discuss them. I had misgivings about sharing my story because I knew many readers would feel pity, which was the last thing I wanted. Whatever sympathy you felt while reading my story, please channel it toward kids currently living in similarly unpromising environments.
Henderson is only 33 years old, but he knows how fortunate he is to have changed the trajectory of his life; most of his friends from his teen years are either incarcerated or in rehab, and living in poverty. But he also shares his observations of his fellow-students at Yale, nearly all of whom came from very affluent backgrounds and two-parent households, as well as his idea of what he calls "luxury beliefs." These are usually liberal ideas embraced by some - marriage is outdated, defund the police, drug legalization, etc. - but which they themselves do not intend to follow and would never recommend (or even allow) for their own children.
The luxury belief class claims that the unhappiness associated with certain behaviors and choices primarily stems from the negative social judgments they elicit, rather than the behaviors and choices themselves. But, in fact, negative social judgments often serve as guardrails to deter detrimental decisions that lead to unhappiness. In order to avoid misery, we have to admit that certain actions and choices are actually in and of themselves undesirable—single parenthood, obesity, substance abuse, crime, and so on—and not simply in need of normalization.
I think it's this opinion of his that is driving the critical reviews I've seen here. But I didn't feel he was trying to make a political statement as much as he was advocating for stronger families and more support for behaviors that are proven to have positive outcomes. I'm adding too many quotes into my review, but I felt that Henderson had some very good insights into society's values - at both ends of the socio-economic spectrum. And I think it's an important story to read.
A couple months ago, I spoke with two of Mom’s friends who asked me for advice... Mom’s friends were worried that their son isn’t talking as much as other six-year-olds. They, like many parents, were concerned with how “smart” their kid is. “Should we be reading to him more?” they asked me. I thought of how lonely I felt trying to teach myself how to read as a foster kid. “Yeah,” I replied. “But not because it will expand his vocabulary. Read to him because it will remind him that you love him.”
February 21, 2024
The title of Rob Henderson's book couldn't have been picked more aptly. By sharing his experiences in an unflinching manner, he gives his readers access to a perspective that is acking among people who have never come close to personally experiencing lack, torn-apart relationships, and borderline poverty first-hand. By following him into the abyss of his difficult upbringing, and the initial anything but rosy outlook, I have gained much gratitude for the many good fortunes in my life, and also more deeply understood that many of the measures which we pursue in order to help people may need revisiting.
To draw a parallel with a very famous set of books [SPOILER ALERT!]... Many, many times after reading Harry Potter, I have thought to myself, "why did Voldemort turn out the way he was? What made him into a kind of 'social monster,' someone who kept bullying people?" And then I thought, well, both Harry Potter and Tom Marvolo Riddle (which is Voldemort's "birth name", and is also made up of male figures who abandoned him "at/before birth") grow up in terribly unstable conditions. As much as Harry lives with his aunt and uncle, they clearly do not love him, and he (as well as Voldemort) wishes to be at his school over the summer, rather than going home -- which for Voldemort is the foster care facility in which his mother died right after giving birth to him.
The difference is never fully made explicit in the book, but I think Rowling's message could not be "closer" to what I believe your book reveals. The question is this... Have you experienced true, genuine love and care in your life, so that you know how to value your own existence enough to do what can be described as "making a contract with your future self (and the people you love!)," forgoing pleasure and potentially acting out of anger and resentment or bitterness over some injustice now, because you understand that seeking pleasure or vengeance (or nihilist numbness) in the moment will incur a big cost, and prevent you from truly contributing to the mysterious beautiful whole that is "Life?" Voldemort is described as having "a damaged soul," and every major act of violence further rips apart his (and in the book any human's) soul, making it ever less likely to be able to "feel whole again."
Are you interesting in hearing from a real-world, could-have-been Voldemort, someone on a path toward possible self-destruction, who came to understand the terrible choices he could make, what led him to consider those choices, and who was able to turn his life around? Then read his book!
Thank you, Dr. Henderson, for your willingness to share this so openly!
To draw a parallel with a very famous set of books [SPOILER ALERT!]... Many, many times after reading Harry Potter, I have thought to myself, "why did Voldemort turn out the way he was? What made him into a kind of 'social monster,' someone who kept bullying people?" And then I thought, well, both Harry Potter and Tom Marvolo Riddle (which is Voldemort's "birth name", and is also made up of male figures who abandoned him "at/before birth") grow up in terribly unstable conditions. As much as Harry lives with his aunt and uncle, they clearly do not love him, and he (as well as Voldemort) wishes to be at his school over the summer, rather than going home -- which for Voldemort is the foster care facility in which his mother died right after giving birth to him.
The difference is never fully made explicit in the book, but I think Rowling's message could not be "closer" to what I believe your book reveals. The question is this... Have you experienced true, genuine love and care in your life, so that you know how to value your own existence enough to do what can be described as "making a contract with your future self (and the people you love!)," forgoing pleasure and potentially acting out of anger and resentment or bitterness over some injustice now, because you understand that seeking pleasure or vengeance (or nihilist numbness) in the moment will incur a big cost, and prevent you from truly contributing to the mysterious beautiful whole that is "Life?" Voldemort is described as having "a damaged soul," and every major act of violence further rips apart his (and in the book any human's) soul, making it ever less likely to be able to "feel whole again."
Are you interesting in hearing from a real-world, could-have-been Voldemort, someone on a path toward possible self-destruction, who came to understand the terrible choices he could make, what led him to consider those choices, and who was able to turn his life around? Then read his book!
Thank you, Dr. Henderson, for your willingness to share this so openly!
June 22, 2024
Este libro me gustó mucho porque sentí que era una perfecta mezcla de evidencia con biografía/historia novelada. Esto hacía que fuera un relato muy amigable de leer en cuanto al lenguaje que usa, pero siempre está citando evidencia, mencionando cifras e incluso aludiendo a ciertos paper que permiten ilustrar a través de su historia los complejos efectos del sistema de adopción y la falta de cuidado y cariño en la infancia, entre otros temas.
Por lo mismo, siento que este libro sirve tanto para momentos de ocio como para aprender del cuidado infantil, psicología del desarrollo y efectos de crecer en ciertos tipos de familia o bajo ciertos modelos de cuidado.
Para mí personalmente, que he estudiado el tema y me apasiona bastante, me gustaría haberlo leído antes justamente para haber conocido parte de la evidencia que menciona, pero a la vez fue pefecto este momento en que, ya habiendo estudiado un poco más, fue muy impactante como a través de la historia de Rob iba haciéndome sentido todo lo que he leído en artículos científicos o escuchado en una cátedra.
Muy recomendado no solo para aprender, sino para valorar y tomarle el peso al cariño en todas sus formas, al cuidado en la infancia y a los vínculos relevantes en esa etapa de la vida, todas características que influyen enormemente en las experiencias, relaciones y la vida que construyen las personas en su adultez.
Mucho más que la educación formal o los títulos universitarios, crecer en una familia estable y que te entregue amor es algo que no hemos valorado lo suficiente y que puede ser mucho más determinante en los resultados futuros.
Por lo mismo, siento que este libro sirve tanto para momentos de ocio como para aprender del cuidado infantil, psicología del desarrollo y efectos de crecer en ciertos tipos de familia o bajo ciertos modelos de cuidado.
Para mí personalmente, que he estudiado el tema y me apasiona bastante, me gustaría haberlo leído antes justamente para haber conocido parte de la evidencia que menciona, pero a la vez fue pefecto este momento en que, ya habiendo estudiado un poco más, fue muy impactante como a través de la historia de Rob iba haciéndome sentido todo lo que he leído en artículos científicos o escuchado en una cátedra.
Muy recomendado no solo para aprender, sino para valorar y tomarle el peso al cariño en todas sus formas, al cuidado en la infancia y a los vínculos relevantes en esa etapa de la vida, todas características que influyen enormemente en las experiencias, relaciones y la vida que construyen las personas en su adultez.
Mucho más que la educación formal o los títulos universitarios, crecer en una familia estable y que te entregue amor es algo que no hemos valorado lo suficiente y que puede ser mucho más determinante en los resultados futuros.
February 27, 2024
This book was a gut punch to read. I could see a lot of fellow students from my school days in various experiences that Rob described from his own life. A lot of the scenarios were not unfamiliar to me…though I did not participate, I witnessed a great deal of such scenarios among high school friends from broken, abusive, etc families. I remember how shocked I was to see a trailer full of friends drinking and doing drugs one night with the Mom right next door (she supplied the stuff) and feeling sorry fir my friend who was hosting because, like Rob, he was a highly intelligent kid with a lot of potential…but he had a dad in prison and a druggie mom.
The end chapters are gold…particularly when he points out the luxury beliefs of the academic elite class and how incongruent these “beliefs” are with the way they actually live or want their children to live…how those beliefs are just another way to achieve status at the expense of those they are lying to and about.
And his thesis that loving families are the most important piece to a child’s well-being…I’m thankful he told his story and grateful to have read it.
I think it would be a really helpful book to anyone fostering or adopting to read…or anyone in community with those fostering or adopting.
The end chapters are gold…particularly when he points out the luxury beliefs of the academic elite class and how incongruent these “beliefs” are with the way they actually live or want their children to live…how those beliefs are just another way to achieve status at the expense of those they are lying to and about.
And his thesis that loving families are the most important piece to a child’s well-being…I’m thankful he told his story and grateful to have read it.
I think it would be a really helpful book to anyone fostering or adopting to read…or anyone in community with those fostering or adopting.
February 26, 2024
This is a memoir of a child raised in foster care, who eventually gets adopted but his issues do not stop there. Rob is intelligent, insightful and very much on-point with his self evaluation and those of his social environments in foster care, self-destruction and on his journey of upward mobility. Rob’s connection with reading seems to be the seed of his future growth. Despite the trauma and poor choices that were made for him and he made himself, Rob started glimpsing that he could be the change he wanted to see in the world (Gandhi). Though I was only in foster care for six months, my childhood was unstable; everyone’s situation is different. Rob’s story resonated with me on many levels. Maybe this is a boy thing? He spoke about befriending adversaries after a fight in the school yard. I understand that. This is a wonderfully written biography by an exceptional individual! Sometimes a few good decisions and a bit of luck make all the difference. Rob, I hope you are done running. I wish you stability and continued insight for your continued growth. “Child is the father of the man” ~ Wordsworth. Five stars out of five!
February 22, 2024
I've been reading the author for a few years and I was excited to read this. As a work of sociology it is impressive enough, peppered with statistics and journal articles that support his conclusions. But it is first and foremost a human story, a moving personal tale of growing up in chaos and instability. Henderson "graduated" to the elite after a few years in the Air Force and admission to Yale, but he has a grounding in poverty and instability that the majority of his peers lack. It's a story that resonates with me, though my "poverty" was always of the relative kind and individuals in my life were unstable while my life was not. Still, a subpar GPA, military service, and a good grad school all check out. And while my alienation was never as pervasive as his was, I understand it.
His concept of luxury beliefs has always resonated with me even before I read his encapsulation of it. His America is characterized by an ingroup/outgroup dynamic less reliant on wealth than on beliefs and tastes. And while his views can generally be characterized as right of center, his is no facile polemic. It is an unsentimental look at childhood instability as it is lived and remembered and also as it and its legacies are viewed by an upper class that has opinions about it without beginning to understand it, and for that reason it should be widely read even by those who may not agree with Henderson about much.
His concept of luxury beliefs has always resonated with me even before I read his encapsulation of it. His America is characterized by an ingroup/outgroup dynamic less reliant on wealth than on beliefs and tastes. And while his views can generally be characterized as right of center, his is no facile polemic. It is an unsentimental look at childhood instability as it is lived and remembered and also as it and its legacies are viewed by an upper class that has opinions about it without beginning to understand it, and for that reason it should be widely read even by those who may not agree with Henderson about much.
February 28, 2024
Informative about a group of society not discussed, those in the foster system. The impact of having two parents (a mother and father) raise a child is imperative to a child’s overall wellbeing and Rob is not afraid to write about it. I appreciate his honesty and analysis, especially since he is a byproduct of the system.
I listened to this book in which the author read it. Being that he expresses having learned at an early age to turn his emotions off like a light switch, he definitely proves this in his reading. I am not criticizing this but just commenting that there is no emotion which can be a negative to some. This topic, however, is one that is serious and certainly doesn’t need varying tones.
I listened to this book in which the author read it. Being that he expresses having learned at an early age to turn his emotions off like a light switch, he definitely proves this in his reading. I am not criticizing this but just commenting that there is no emotion which can be a negative to some. This topic, however, is one that is serious and certainly doesn’t need varying tones.
February 28, 2024
Beautifully written memoir! Rob was abandoned by his biological father. His birth mother was a drug addict. Rob was placed in many different foster homes until he was adopted by a couple. In time, they divorced and Rob was yet abandoned by another father. Rob continued to live with his "Mom" and "sister". He made many poor decisions growing up (he was a poor student, chose bad friends, started doing drugs, became alcoholic, etc), but then joined the military, where things changed for him. He fulfilled his obligation there, often getting promotions for his good work. With the the help of counseling, treatment, and funding from the GI Bill, he went on to be a Yale graduate. I think we can all take a page from his book.....life is what you make it.
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